Author Topic: My Sister  (Read 4280 times)

tempesta

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My Sister
« on: July 18, 2007, 12:36:35 AM »
My Sister is a combo of both of these two things.  It has been going on for years but the last 5 years are hell.  My Daughter who has studying Physchology. has been for years has come up with this dx concerning my Sister, her Aunt. It is sad cause she has caused her husband who in the last year has become her ex, and her Daughter who is gonna have a baby this fall, and a Son who has turned 16, hell.  I am there for them as much as I can be.  Her kids think of me more as their Mom then their own Mom.  She is so vain and self centered it makes me sick and sad inside.  She has lost a ton of weight which has just caused her symptoms to become even worse.  Our older brother and sister won't have anything to do with her.  Of course she doesn't see any of this as being her fault.  My Mother who has passed away years ago is the one that started this all.  She favored her and babied her and now we are all paying for the damage is has caused.  I just try to help as much as I can.  I listen to her and am there for her and them.  I try to drop hints to her, as to what she is doing, but it is always way above her head.  I cannot go out with her cause she thinks every man is in love with her, and that every woman envys her.  Some days I am able to blow it off and feel for her, and other days I could just slap her and would love to just tell her to snap out of it, geeeez.  I guess we all have crosses to bare and do the best that we can.  All we can do is love them and pray that things will get better.   :? Am I making any sense?  :roll:

Cluster B: Dramatic or Erratic Behavior

Histrionic (Hysterical) Personality: People with a histrionic personality conspicuously seek attention, are dramatic and excessively emotional, and are overly concerned with appearance. Their lively, expressive manner results in easily established but often superficial and transient relationships. Their expression of emotions often seems exaggerated, childish, and contrived to evoke sympathy or attention (often erotic or sexual) from others.

People with a histrionic personality are prone to sexually provocative behavior or to sexualizing nonsexual relationships. However, they may not really want a sexual relationship; rather, their seductive behavior often masks their wish to be dependent and protected. Some people with a histrionic personality also are hypochondriacal and exaggerate their physical problems to get the attention they need.

Narcissistic Personality: People with a narcissistic personality have a sense of superiority, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. They have an exaggerated belief in their own value or importance, which is what therapists call grandiosity. They may be extremely sensitive to failure, defeat, or criticism. When confronted by a failure to fulfill their high opinion of themselves, they can easily become enraged or severely depressed. Because they believe themselves to be superior in their relationships with other people, they expect to be admired and often suspect that others envy them. They believe they are entitled to having their needs met without waiting, so they exploit others, whose needs or beliefs they deem to be less important. Their behavior is usually offensive to others, who view them as being self-centered, arrogant, or selfish. This personality disorder typically occurs in high achievers, although it may also occur in people with few achievements.


Hopalong

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2007, 12:50:48 AM »
Welcome, Tempesta.
Thanks for sharing your story.

Your neice and nephew are so extremely lucky to have you in their lives.

I'm sorry for the realizations about your sister, but isn't it a relief in a way to have them. To know you're seeing things accurately.

I'm glad you've found this board. There is so much wisdom and generosity here. You will be supported.
I hope you have 2-D support too. You need to take care of yourself so your life doesn't become all about your sister's.

best,
Hopalong

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2007, 01:10:45 AM »
Hi,  Tempesta:

I think my sister is Borderline Personality Disorder, with some other (not so charming) Cluster B disorders presenting as well. N and anti social tendencies, perhaps?

I'm a little beyond "suggesting" things to her gently, lol. 

I don't think that'll get your neice and nephew anywhere, either, just for the record.

She ticks me off and once she draws first blood, as she did just this afternoon, I let her have it.  She usually accuses me of doing something she's doing, herself.  I'm usually a bit sorry I strike back but..... I just can't help myself in the last few years.

 Is this where you're headed? 

Not sure but..... it makes no difference. 

I don't think my sister hears a word I say.  She just feels more persecuted and right, IMO.  Your sister will probably continue down the path she's on, no matter what you do.  You're N and N are lucky to have your maternal support, in any case. 

I sometimes feel (ashamed) like I'm picking on an emotionally retarted person, for speaking the truth, then remind myself that I do it for ME, not for her.  I shouldn't feel guilty and I can't just fix her, though I would if I could.


There was something so satisfying about getting the last word with her.  I don't think I've ever done that before. 

Of course, now I'm dreading seeing her again: / 


tempesta

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2007, 01:17:34 AM »
Good for you lighter!  Yes there has been a few times she has made me so mad that I have said something, but she snips at me back or changes the subject.  Or like always cries, ugh.  She sees herself as always the victim, ugh!  :roll:  Like everyone is picking on her.  She has a bf that she has had even before she was divorced.  I have heard stories about him, he thinks he is something.  That is fine.  At least when she is with him she leaves me alone, lol! 
Lighter....I can relate to what you are saying, thank you for your response.  It helps to know I am not alone.

tempesta

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2007, 01:20:08 AM »
Thank you for your reply hopalong.  I responded to your reply but I don't see it here.  Wonder what happened.  Sometimes that happens on boards.  Again thank you, it means a lot. 

lighter

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2007, 01:32:25 AM »
You're not alone.  

My sister used to cry and carry on..... get so torn up with supressing tears she couldn't speak, that sort of thing.  

She also used to fill her arms with glasswear and do stuff that took the spotlight off the hard questions coming at her.  

She also has said that we're all too stupid to understand her LEVEL of understanding, which is that she knows everything and can't be bothered to attempt to school us.  

She thinks she's Mother Theresa and yet.... she has absolutely no empathy for any of her own family members.  

She'll take her families money to pay a downtrodden friend's medical bills, without asking about spending that money.  All her friends are struggling, odd people she can easily feel superior to, btw.  

She once invited a pedophile to stay in her home, while she was on a trip away, and made her husband accept his being there.... even after he/her husband walked in on this guy making out with his step daughter on the sofa.  Some kind'a crazy, huh?

When her husband questioned him about the scene on the sofa, he said he was drunk and thought it was his wife he was messing with.  The wife was upstairs asleep, btw.

Eventually the guy ended up busted BIG time and hanged himself in a park.  Awful awful story, that.  He raised daughters of his own who he molested, before getting his hands on step daughters.  My sister went to his funeral to support the wife, who was busy playing the role of aggrieved widow, oddly enough: /  

Why does my sister invite this kind of craziness and FORCE it down her husband's throat?  She recently picked one of the oddest of this bunch to be the Gaurdian of her child, in case anything were to happen to both parents.  She's been busily smacking her husband around emotionally for not agreeing to name this odd person as gaurdian also.  She can't see how crazy the choice is..... or how crazy her trying to bully him into the decision is either.  


isittoolate

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2007, 02:06:20 AM »
Welcome tempesta,

My sympathies are with you, having to deal with your sister. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say, "Listen! I've had it! You are now on your own! I have a Life to Live and I want to live it!", then walk away?

But you can't--oh the burdens of obligations! and the sadness for people who are unable to manage their own lives!

My thoughts are with you!
Love Izzy

bigalspal

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2007, 06:23:08 AM »
Hi Tempesta,
Welcome to the board!
Your sister sounds just like my NMother. And if it wasn't for MY aunt (her sister), I'm not sure I would've made it through. So keep on being there for the kids. It really does help.
If you read my posts, you'll see just how much my aunt has helped me. I kinda have her up on a pedestal because she, like your sisters kids, is more like my mom.
We've been soooo close through out my life. If not for her, I really believe I would not be on this earth. I cannot stress the importance of those kids having you in their lives. They need someone to "HEAR" them, to let them know it's not their fault that their mother is an N. Without that, they feel it's their fault mom is not giving them the love & nurturing they deserve. Hats off to you, Tempesta!! Alot of aunts would've walked away!
Bigalspal
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Ami

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2007, 07:54:04 AM »
Dear Tempesta,
   I had a mother like your sister. My grandmother saved my life. the best you can do in this situation(IMO) is 'save" anyone who is vulnerable and can be helped. It is probably"hopeless" to help your sister.
  You are not alone. We understand. Keep writing and sharing. You are a hero aunt              Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2007, 09:43:36 AM »
Welcome, Tempesta

I had an aunt with some of those characteristics. The drama was continuous and any attempts to curtail it wound up with me exhausted and drained. It's wonderful that you're there to offer your sister's children some sense of stability and continuity, as you are able... they'll definitely need all the help they can get!  I'm sure you'll be able to gather some great info and encouragement here as you share with the members. Glad you're here  :)

Hope


JanetLG

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2007, 01:37:31 PM »
Tempesta,

Welcome to the board - you'll find lots of support and help here.

Izzy said "Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say, "Listen! I've had it! You are now on your own! I have a Life to Live and I want to live it!", then walk away?"

Well, I eventually did that with my Nsister, and NMum at the same time, 13 years ago, after having 'family therapy' sessions where it became so clear to me that they'd never change. It was incredibly hard, but it needed to be done. My sister was the Golden Child in our family, and it sounds like your sister was the Golden Child in yours, too.

In the end you are more important, and if you can help your sister's children, that's great too.

Janet

motheroffour

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2007, 03:04:55 PM »
Janet,

Would it be ok if I asked you a question.....

When you decided that your family would never change and that you walked away, what did that look like?  Was it NC or did you find balance  with continued interaction?

--mof4

JanetLG

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2007, 04:04:51 PM »
Mof4,

I don't mind you asking at all!

What happened was that, when I was 31, after YEARS of trying to make my NMum behave normally, and not getting anywhere, with the support of my soon-to-be husband, I decided to start setting boundaries. I told her that, if I visited her and she insulted me, I would 'allow' (count) three insults, telling her each time when she'd done that. After the third one, I would leave. The only time I actually tried it, I was in her house about two minutes. It was so hard to actually follow through with it!

She contacted me during the week and said that *I* (not *we* or *the family*) needed to get family therapy 'so that you can learn how to fit into the family better'. That's what she thought family therapy was.

So, to try to keep the peace (again) I found a therapist, and started sessions, on my own, as that was the way the therapist said it had to be. I had about 6 sessoions on my own with him, during which time I constructed various letters to my Mum, Dad, brother and sister, setting out why I was unhappy, and asking them to meet wth me on a particular date at the therapist's, for a 2-hour session, twice (on two consecutive nights). After the last session on my own with him, I sent the letters.

The two sessions were video'd by the therapist( I knew about this, the others were only told as the session started, and my Mum and sister were NOT happy). The two sessions discussed my anorexia, my Mum's affairs, my Dad's alcoholism, etc. Pretty touchy stuff - most of it, we had NEVER discussed as a family before.

After the first session, we each went our separate ways. The second session, my Dad didn't turn up - apparently, he and my Mum had had a dreadful row after the first session, and my Dad refused to be 'humilated' by the affairs being discussed again. This instigated their divorcce the following year(which was apparently 'all my fault' according to my Mum).

At the end of the second session, it was clear as day that they would never change, never accept that they were anything other than a 'perfect family' and that I was just lying, whilst also being neurotic, mad, evil, sinful, wicked...you name it. Even the therapist seemed a bit out of his depth, and just kept looking from them to me, saying 'What are you going to do, if they stay like THIS?' He'd obviously expected a better outcome. Possibly, he'd not come across raging N's before.

I left the session knowing I had to stop seeing my Mum, at least.

But I found that she 'infected' all of the others, by saying to them (and all of my extended family, and her friends, and their children, several of whom I'd grown up with) that they had to choose either HER or ME. As so often happens, they chickened out, and all except my Dad chose her.

It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. I went from having a network of family (however dysfunctional, they were still my family) to having just my husband, and his relatives. I cried for weeks. I couldn't concentrate on my work. I felt really empty.

They tried contacting me sometimes (still do, annoyingly), but gradually, I've come to realise that I had to do that for my sanity. I see my Dad, and phone him, but our relationship is a bit distant - but then we were always kept apart, even when I was small, so I have to be grateful for the relationship that I do have with him.

I don't think it would have been possible to have had 'limited contact' with some of my relatives, and not my NMum and, as I later realised, NSister. They control everyone in the family, and the vitriol wouldn't have been worth it. I admire people who do try to still see parents when they know they're an N, but mine was simply too dangerous. I see that now ...I wish I'd seen it before I was in my thirties. I'm 45 now, and still healing.

But at least I'm healing  :D :D :D :D

Janet

Ami

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2007, 04:13:13 PM »
At the end of the second session, it was clear as day that they would never change, never accept that they were anything other than a 'perfect family' and that I was just lying, whilst also being neurotic, mad, evil, sinful, wicked...you name it. Even the therapist seemed a bit out of his depth, and just kept looking from them to me, saying 'What are you going to do, if they stay like THIS?' He'd obviously expected a better outcome. Possibly, he'd not come across raging N's before.



Dear Janet,
    You are really cute. You can find humor amidst the pain( above)                             Love  Ami
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

motheroffour

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Re: My Sister
« Reply #14 on: July 18, 2007, 09:32:46 PM »
janet,

Thanks!  You have given me a lot to think about.  We are in the middle of making some of these same decisions.  Realizing that it will NEVER change.  It is so hard!  I bet you cried for weeks.  My N's are the inlaws and I have already cried so much over the whole mess.  I am so sorry for the loss, so happy for your strength and safety, and glad for your relationship with your Dad.  You are strong to have gone thru that much family therapy.  Man, I would have run for the hills!!
Seems like your N can be a little nasty.  Mine is so nice!  Painfully pleasant!  How do you cut someone off who is so nice and does philanthropic things for neighbors and community?  It is a crazy-maker!  Thanks for lending me perspective.

--Mof4