Here's the person no one has ever seen...

[Nikole]

I have been doing a lot of introspection lately. It all started when I was assigned a paper to do for English class two weeks ago. The topic of the paper was to write about our childhood and adolescence, and apply it as to how it has formed us into the people we are today: emotionally, and psychologically. What I am trying to get at was that I bullsh***ed the whole entire five-page paper. You have no idea how bad I wanted to just write the truth. I guess I was scared. I was scared that, I don’t know, it would get out somehow, and into the wrong hands, and people would look at me differently. I hate that saying, "The truth will set you free." Hell, one thing I know for certain, is that the truth wouldn‘t set me free. Even if I did set it free in that paper it still is a part of me whether I liked it or not, and it wouldn’t have made me feel any better nor worse by unleashing it.

Then I asked myself the question, "Who am I?" The funny part was that I don’t know. I tend to look and relate myself to a void in every aspect and sense. Now I am not going through the whole, look at me, I am going through the process of finding myself, as other people my age. It’s the exact opposite, because I feel like I am so darn old, I feel like I have already lived my life and I am only 19-years-old. The sad part was that I have felt like this my entire life, since the age of three, I swear. As a child I was always told that I was too mature for my age, far more mature than all the other children, and some of their parents (you know the half-witted parents, my parents) too. I never felt like I belonged with people my own age, I always related better to people that were older than I was. Odd, I know. That’s the only way I can describe it though. I’ve always felt like I was wise beyond my years, not in the attained knowledge sense, but in the sense, that I’ve already been there done that kind of way. From a young age on, I knew that life was a b***h and that it was a hard and cruel place. It was evident to me that the only way to get by was to not let anybody walk all over me, and to always stand my ground no matter what either verbally or physically (if it came down to it). At home, it was the same way too. Both my parents were hard asses.

My father was the one who was never home, but when he was there was hell to pay. No one could ever do anything right. I was never, ever hit as a child, but verbally abused by my father, yes. I remember this one time, I was in first grade, I came home with an 85 on a math test, and he yelled at me, and screamed, "What the f**k is wrong with you? An 85, why couldn’t you f***ing get a 100 f***ing percent? I don’t raise f***g losers. Look, at all you f***ing have. Look, at all, I work hard for, for you and the rest of the family, so you all can have the best of everything, and this is how you f***ing repay me? All I asked was that you try your best, because education means everything in this world. You cannot fail in school, because if you do, you will get nowhere in life. Again, I’ll say, that I don’t raise losers, and no one in this family is going to grow up to be a deadbeat. Next time, get a 100 percent, not an 85." Then he walked out of the room, and shut my door behind him, the rest of the day he didn’t say anything to me…he didn’t even look at me, and he didn’t apologize…ever. So from that point on I worked my butt off in school. That’s how I got by with everything; I would bury my head in homework and in books. That’s why I am so hard on myself when it comes to what I do. It has nothing to do with pleasing my father; it has to do with me showing him up. In a way proving, I did this on my own, and it has nothing to do with you or what you "gave" me.

My mother now, was always the nurturing one, the one who tried to fix my father’s mistakes. She was strict, but not in the way that he was. Say when I went out she had to know where I was 24/7, who I was with, the address and the phone number of who I was staying with…this is even when I just wanted to go over and play over a friend’s house. To this day, I still do not even know how they are still married to each other. They are exact and total opposite. I know, opposites attract, but they should have detracted a long, long time ago. The one thing that my mother always clung to was her faith. I came from an extremely religious household, though I never believed in "God" or the Catholic Church. I have always thought that it was a bunch of bs.. If my mother heard that, she would have a heart attack. She would basically feel as though she had failed me in some way, and I wouldn’t want her to go through that, because she has done so much for me, even though at times we don’t see eye-to-eye. I cannot say that for my father though. All I have in my heart is hatred for that "man."

Now, onto my lovely older brother. How does he cope with everything? Alcohol. I have tried to help him an infinitive amount of times, but he doesn’t want my help, nor anyone else’s, so I have decided to just leave him be. I have given up trying. I cannot help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. In the back of my mind though, I keep hoping that one day he will turn his life around, and ask for my help or anyone’s help…either that or his liver is going to give out on him. Sometimes, I don’t blame him though. It seems like it’s the easier way out. To be numb all the time. Not having to think or feel. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t go that route, I have too much going for me, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. My brother didn’t have it easy growing up either, but he had it a hell of a lot easier than I did, that’s for sure.

My father’s attitude towards my brother was that he had to be the best of the best, and excel in sports, screw academics. If anything in the household went wrong, I was blamed out of the two of us. It was always over stupid little things too. Like, washing the dishes or our rooms not being clean enough…not being immaculate. Sometimes, I just wish it would all just end, that we could be normal. Then and again, what is normal? According to society, and everyone else on the outside, we were the normal, picture-perfect family. On the inside, I, for one, was slowly killing myself with each and every fake smile, that I greeted the world with every day.

That’s why I am so headstrong. That’s why I am so unemotional. That’s why I am cold. That’s why I am the way I am, because that’s the way I evolved, that’s the way I grew up.

Sometimes, I really envy any other person that’s in touch with their emotions. There are so many times, I wish that I could just cry. There are so many times I needed to cry, but couldn’t. I have been like that ever since I was little…not being able to cry. The only way I can cry is when someone that is close to me dies. I cry for a little while, but not too long… As soon as I heard my grandmother died, I cried for about 2 seconds. Through the whole wake, through the whole funeral, I stood there stone faced. I felt nothing. I couldn’t feel anything. I tried to make myself cry at the funeral, but I couldn’t. I even resorted to poking myself in the eye with my finger, to make my eyes tear up…it worked for about a second. Then I was back to the same stone cold face. I wanted so much to breakdown in tears, because that’s how I felt, but I couldn’t, my body wouldn’t allow me to, no matter how hard I tried. On the inside, I may be dead, but I still hurt.

Maybe, this would have been to the extent of what I would have written for the paper. Whom am I kidding? As much as I wanted to, I know that if I had a chance to do it again, I would have stuck with the same decision that I made. Whether or not I like to admit it... I pretend to have a perfect life, a perfect family, because that is what the people around me expect of me. Think of it whatever way you want. Think that I am going through denial. Chances are you didn't grow up the way I did, around the fake, phony people I did. I guess it rubbed off on me in some ways. I just contradicted myself, because to those who know me, or anyone I meet, they will tell you that I am the realest person they have ever met. In general, there is nothing fake about me, or the way I carry myself. The only aspect that I am fake is when it comes to my family and home life. I suppose it’s because I don't want anyone's pity, that's why I pretend that everything is all hunky-dory. And that's why I stay distanced from people, that‘s why I put up my wall, that's why I am always on my guard. I put my life on it, that if anyone was in my place, they would have done the same thing I have done my entire life: pretend that they're just another all American, cookie-cutter girl.

In a twisted way, I guess that this is some sort of closure for me. All I know is for the first time in my life, I feel vulnerable, and this is not a pleasant feeling whatsoever.

So, this is the person that no one has have ever seen, or ever known...

- Nikole

P.S. - Thanks in advance for taking the time out to read my tirade...

[Portia]

Welcome Nikole. Welcome! Did I hear anger like lava rumbling underneath all your words? Are you about to erupt like some fantastic volcano? Wow and about time too! Your father is such a control-freak, serious problems going on there.

But let’s get more serious. What brought you here? Why do you feel vulnerable now? Because of what you’ve written here (surely not)? Or something else that’s happened/not happened? Or is it simply that English paper? Brought all this bubbling to the surface?

Hey you just told your truth! Doesn’t that feel great? It is great! We’ve seen you Nikole, and we’ve heard you, your precise, tough words, telling us about your dysfunctional family. Congratulations – you’re not a fake and never will be. That’s no small thing you know? It’s more important than…than what?...than, well, anything I can think of.

You can be real here. And truthful. And angry. You can say whatever is on your mind – be it telling stories about your childhood (or today), to some fun introspective topics (the nature of love, life and why our parents f*ck us up?!). Maybe we’ll talk about what makes a person? And how tucked inside you is your personality…and how you can find it, bring it out in the open and let it fly where it wants to? (I’m getting flowery now, oops.)

Do you have anyone else you tell the truth about your family to? A friend? Are you living away from home now?

I like your style Nikole. Hope to hear more from you! Maybe more from me later...next week...whenever..P

[paige t]

Thank you very much for your posting.  It seemed very real and honest.  Much of what I read here and in other stories, goes over my head or I just can't seem to relate, I find myself reaching the end of it and realizing that I wasn't able to pay attention.  
I have had the same feeling of being fake.  I didn't always feel fake but when asked about feelings or myself I could totally tell it to make it sound completely positive and warm hearted and perfect or tell it to sound completely negitive and imperfect.  I would be being honest though.  Huh, I'm even confusing myself.
Mostly your posting reminded me of my husband.  He lived his life looking okay and "normal".  A little reserved and shy.  Looking closer after much time, I found there was a wall, a big gigantic wall.  He didn't respond to things with emotion.  I was confused and felt alone.  After I left him, he "woke up".  It was like a 10 ton weight fell on his head.  He had been keeping this wall to protect himself against feeling failure, losing people.  He felt so lonely, frustrated, empty, and responsible.  Now we are back together and he is still dealing with keeping himself open and being honest about who he is.  When I see him there, I am in love.  I feel peace.  I feel strong.  We have both been injured by our childhoods and are learning how to get us.  
I also have felt old beyond my age.  Not all my life the way you described, but over the last 10 years.  I'm 28.  I hate when people treat me as though I'm young, naive, and inexperienced.  I am older inside then most 40 year olds I know.  In my opinion.  I have been through so much.   Much more than anyone else I know.
Take care!  Thanks again.
Paige

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the warm welcome, Portia. Yes, you did hear anger, annoyance, fury, and rage...all in one healthy dose. The truth is out, and there is no turning back. What’s said is said. End of story. However, to end the story on a happy note...the volcano inside myself erupts and happened to engulf my father (and everyone else’s person of resentment [insert name here]) and burns him / person of choice to a crisp... Sunny side up. There are always happy endings in my book.

Why I feel vulnerable? I feel vulnerable; because that was the first time, I didn’t sugarcoat my true feelings in order to appease others. It is the underlying fact that I am out there without my iron-fist raised in the air, ready to take on the world. Simply, I just have my middle finger pointing outward, flipping off the world, because this is me, the real me, whether people like it or not, or whether they want to hear it. (I still know about the saying, "That when you point [or in this case, flip the world off] there are three fingers pointing back at you.") It has taken me a long time to accept who I am, both the positive and negative aspects of myself. BAM! (As Emril would say...) Here I am! Thus, my journey that has led me here. To help others the best I can, and to receive advice/support (which I have gotten already, thanks).

Yes, I do have some people I can talk to, a few extremely close friends, whom have known me for years, that I can talk to freely, but still, I hold back a little...have to leave something to the imagination, ya know?

On a closing note, it does feel great to get it off my chest sort of speak, but at the same time I am obliged by the truth...a prisoner of the truth, if you will.

Once again, thanks!
Take good care of yourself!
- Nikole

[Nikole]

(Sorry about the earlier post, my computer was on one of its I-am-not-going-to-work-if-hell-freezes-over fits…)

Paige, I completely understand your feelings of being fake, as they mimic my own. What you said, it wasn’t confusing to me at the least. It is once you start doing it; it becomes a habit, and is hard to break off from. I am slowly but surely trying to do so. My experience was much like your own. I would pretend that everything was a-okay, or if I wanted to, make it sound negative...it went with my mood, and of course, it meant who I was talking to. When you stated that you felt as though you were being honest when telling people about your feelings when you really weren’t... I understand. It is like a part of you knows the truth, yet another just dispenses whatever information comes to mind, and after a while you start to believe the false information, because you just do it so much, that it embeds itself to the caverns of your mind, which means it is on constant re-play.

Feeling older than one actual is can have negative and positive attributes; it has been for me anyway. The positive, is that from a young age on, I’ve always been able to relate and have in-depth conversations with people of all ages, because there was this sort of odd connection there between us, a sort of unspoken familiarity. (I think that if anything was confusing... Huh?) The negative aspect is that I didn’t relate to people my own age as much. I mean, sure, socially no problem, but emotionally I did not. When you say you feel like you are older on the inside than some 40-year-olds you know, it’s understandable. Now, I many not know what your whole life was like, but as you said, you’ve been through so much. That’s what I find makes people (including myself) mature so fast on the inside, that the outside has years to catch up on... Just think of it this way, you may feel like are older on the inside, but on the outside, the plus is that there are no wrinkles or signs of aging...

Regarding your husband, I can understand how hard of a decision that must have been for you to make. I am glad you were true to yourself and feelings and stood firm for what you knew and felt was true, because it only helped in the end. That ‘10 ton weight that fell on his head,’ as you put it, was probably his realization that he lost the best thing in his life, you. Gladly enough, it did wake him, and he is trying to change his ways. It’s great to hear that you two are back together; it is sort of a new beginning for the both of you. It’s not going to be easy, but you two have half the battle already won, in my eyes. You both realized that there was a serious problem that needed to be fixed. There’s going to be good times and bad times, smiles and laughs, and tears of healing. I wish you two the best on your journey together, may your days only get brighter from here on out.

Best of luck and wishes,
Nikole

[lynn]

Hi Nikole,

Welcome to the board.  Thank you for sharing your story.  This is a place where you can try new things... like telling the truth about your life.... and just maybe, you find that instead of rejection or judgement, you receive support for being YOU.  

Your story was important to me because I am leaving a long-term marriage with a man that has similarities to your dad.  I have two kids, 16 and 19.  It has been a remarkably difficult time for me recently.  Your story reminded me, in a clear and honest way, how important it is for me to continue this process.  

It is the "fake family" idea that was one important reason for me to divorce.  I know that my kids demand honesty.... they can see a fake situation from a mile away.... So, as difficult as the divorce process is, I want to create an honest, real environment for my children.

Thank you for the story.  Thank you for the reminder.  It came on a day that has been really tough for me.

Remember, that no matter what anyone else says (like your dad for example) you are good enough.  Even with the truth of your story, you are good enough.  Even with an 85 on your math test, you are good enough.  Even if you make stupid choices in the future (we all do!) , you are good enough.  And people will love you and accept you for what you are inside.  In fact, I think people will love you accept you mostly for the parts of you (imperfect as they may be) that are real and true.  

Warmly,
lynn

[sjkravill]

Welcome Nikole,
Telling your truth is the first, vital step on the long, difficult path.  As difficult as it is, I still believe the truth will set you free.  It may not win you friends, infact it may to the opposite of that with some people, I certainly advocate discernment when sharing it. But some people will take great comfort in your honesty.  Even if the truth wins you no friends (which can feel pretty crappy) the more you tell it to yourself, the more you will be able to feel your feelings, and forgive, and do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, and move on, and live fully.

I could relate to your story in some ways.
In that I too have always been old... have always related best to women who are between 10 and 50 years older than I am.  

I too (at least in the last year or so) have difficulty letting go of my defenses long enough to feel my feelings.

I too can relate to the myth of the perfect family... Strangely, I think I have intentionally blocked memories of growing up, and just believed it because it was easier. But telling the truth to myself is helping me to understand who I am, forgive my parents, and slowly, walk the winding path of recovery.
Anyway, way to go!  Keep telling your truth, to a journal, to us, to good friends, a good therapist.
Peace!

[Wildflower]

Hi Nikole,

Welcome!!!!  

When I was 20, I was taking a feminist history class and I decided to write one of my papers on my grandmother because she was an extremely successful doctor.  Boy was that ever not smart.    I got caught in the cross-fire between Mom and Grandmom big time, and I almost went mad trying to figure out which set of ‘facts’ to put down.  So from here, I’m thinking it was an incredibly smart move to take the approach you did.  You can work out your family stuff on your own – and not get it all messed up in your grades, and your future!  I’m thinking about that now and wondering, why in the world didn’t I just pick another topic when the craziness started?!?  Hunh.  Note to self on getting out of sticky situations…

I’ve got the old thing, too.  Or at least, I used to.  I think I’ve seriously regressed over the years , but…that’s not my point right now.  People were always mistaking me for someone older as I was growing up because I was mature for my age and I also happened to be at the top of the growth charts.  When I started having trouble in school in third grade, an emergency meeting was set up between my teacher, my mother, and me, and when I started to cry, my teacher said something I’ll never forget:  She said, “I’m hard on you because you’re smart and I think you can do better, but you also seem so much older than the other kids.  I'm sorry.  Sometimes I forget that you’re not, and that's not fair to you.”  I think that’s another way in which it’s not so great to be older than your age.  It means that sometimes you don’t get the proper support for someone your age, though that teacher ended up being kind to me.  Tough, but kind.

I liked the comment about getting old on the inside instead of on the outside where it shows.  Wish I could say that for me.    A year ago I had about four gray hairs – the same ones I’d had since I was about 12.  I’ve got about 100 now – just in this past year – and I’m not convinced it’s a part of my natural aging process, if you catch my drift.

Since I’m here, just a couple of thoughts on your post from the ‘healing’ thread.

I yearn for the day that I wake up with less cynical eyes, but I know that isn’t going to happen any day soon. I feel like I can’t just wake up one day and be transformed.

You know, it wasn’t an overnight thing for me, either.  It took a long time and lot of hard work to chip away at all the negativity that distorted my view of the world, and I’m still working on bits of it now.  I’m with CG, though, that you’re well on your way because I’ll tell you.  The beginning was the hardest part.  It was about learning to push on in spite of mistakes I’d made – and without beating myself up too, too much about how far I had to go and where I’d come from.  Maybe that’ll be easier for you and I’ve got ‘mistake’ issues (or even beating-myself-up issues ), but anyway, this is definitely one of those inertia things, and it looks like you’re already rolling down that path.  

You have conquered all the negativity in your life and brought with it such a phenomenal radiance of positivity.

I’m laughing at myself a little about this now, but I have to say, reading this right on the heels of springing a pretty negative leak about my mother really helped to ground me.  It helped me remember my most important goals in life instead of getting lost in the emotions.  Thank you for that.  

I look forward to hearing more from you, and again, welcome!

Wildflower

[Dawning]

Hi Nicole.  Welcome.  I am new to the group too.  Hey, it sounds like you are not *acting out* and are not in denial - that's SO fantastic and you've got the rest of your life to look forward to.  Sounds to me like you are getting grounded now.  Good for you and thanks for sharing.  How is your body taking all this?


Guest wrote:

Why I feel vulnerable? I feel vulnerable; because that was the first time, I didn’t sugarcoat my true feelings in order to appease others.

Yup.  I'm going through that now.  Did the sugar-coating thing (with family) from college years -until now.  This need to appease others or be responsible for their well-being is something I know well.  It is like my family nurtured that in me and have made full use of it in the past and still want to do it now.  Long-ago friends too.  And, you know what, that is such an energy zapper.  So taking that step to be vulnerable is empowering in the long run.  What I am working on now is to recognize that vulnerability and honour it by choosing wisely who I share my true feelings with.  For those who have a hard time hearing my true feelings, I don't share anymore (unlike before) or -if confrontation is necessary - begin my communication with " I feel....this way or that" in a measured voice.  By beginning the dialogue with "I feel" I am taking responsibility for my feeings and also giving the person listening the chance to truly listen - or not.  If they want to share their feelings, I am open to listening.  But I don't want to be defending or justifying my feelings, dam*it.  I just realized this was happening with someone who I have known since I was 18.  I don't want to talk to him right now and maybe never again.  Sad but better than being thumb-screwed.  Vulnerability with control-freaks has left me so confused.  Maybe I chose the control-freaks to open up to so I could subconciosuly try and re-write my childhood with a different outcome.  Hasn't worked.  I now realize this but I will continue to honour my vulnerability.  I think I can relate to the "first time" you allow yourself to feel vulnerable.  Vulnerable but wise to who you can't open up to.

As difficult as it is, I still believe the truth will set you free. It may not win you friends, infact it may to the opposite of that with some people, I certainly advocate discernment when sharing it. But some people will take great comfort in your honesty. Even if the truth wins you no friends (which can feel pretty crappy) the more you tell it to yourself, the more you will be able to feel your feelings, and forgive, and do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, and move on, and live fully.

sjkravill, thank you for putting that into words.  I wrote something somewhere recently that, if you let go of the fake and open your heart to truth and honesty....then guess what types of people begin to come into your life?     Think I'll go meditate on that for awhile.

~Dawning