Need Advice Again

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  This is just a very small point. However, when My kids were small, I just let the house go. The number one priority is your emotions. You have to conserve your emotions so that you don't "lose it" with M. This would be my first priority.All the material things will still be there,but losing it with M will stay with him-. This is not a guilt trip=just a way to prioritize-                             Love   Ami

[lighter]

Tayana:

Instead of feeling guilty about being tired and short with M..... use it to teach him how to deal with stress and problems. 

He'll have the same problems in his life, like everyone.

You can skip the guilt and calmly come back to M when you've taken a break. 

You can explain that you were having a hard time and said some things/yelle/lost your patience got overwhelmed whatever.

Apologize for it, show him how to do that.

Then talk about what you're going to work on next time.  Tell you how to deal with stress by doing it yourself and explain it.

Ask him for ideas on doing better next time.

Walking away, for 5 minutes or whatever announce it, when you realize your getting upset, next time.  Teach him to find a way to blow off steam by finding a way to do it yourself.  You will have your thing and he might go to his room and draw or read or whatever but work on finding ways to deal with stress. 

Try to gain his cooperation and learn how to problem solve.

Guilt sucks.  Use it as a teaching tool instead and then M will see how to take responsibity, apologize and work on doing better. 

Thats what it's all about.  Talk talk talk to him about your goals of staying calm and let him know it's OK to blow it but this is how we deal with it and try to do better next time.  I probably said the same thing 10 different ways sorry. 

(tayana) you're doing great.  You're mother is toxic.  Spend less and less time with her as you can and tape a note on your door to leave the tv on for the dog and be kind to yourself so M learns to be kind to himself: )

[debkor]

Tay,

Hey I'm sitting in a mess right now.  It's raining and I'm tired from working the yard all day yesterday so you know what? F** it.  It will get cleaned but maybe not today.  Oh well!  Watch this is when unexpected company will show up. 

Your doing fine Tay.  Things sound normal.  You are handling things Your Way now.  Not that they always work out how we would like them to go but it's Your Way. 

You sound really good.  You should be proud.

Harry Potter?  Oh I haven't read it yet but my D told me everything well mostly and I kind of could not wait.  There ya go Tay, you helped me.  The house is a mess I may just kick somethings out of the way and sit down and read. 

The nice thing about being grown up and having your own place is when you don't feel like doing something, You Don't Have Too and who's going to yell at me, Me? Not today.  Oh my D's room is a mess too.  She just came back from vacation.  I guess I should fix that.  *closes the door*.  There done fixed. 

Your mom has some really silly comments.  She is trying so hard to get reaction from you. I bet she gets on your last nerve.  Ok mom the visit has been good.  Time to go, see ya, we'll do this again real soon.  Head to the car and let out a big *SHEW*  shake your head, smile and be happy with your escape done so beautifully. 

Enjoy yourself Tay and your son. You know who you are Tay you know what kind of mom you are.  You are a good loving mom!

Deb

[Hopalong]

Mega dittoes, Deb!

Your doing fine Tay.  Things sound normal.  You are handling things Your Way now.  Not that they always work out how we would like them to go but it's Your Way. 

You sound really good.  You should be proud.

(((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((Deb)))))))))))))))

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   With a new Yorkie baby, my house is a mess, too                                Love    Ami

[isittoolate]

If it was a family member that did that to me
a part of me would WANT to put them in jail.

A part of me thinks that she should, a part of me really wants that.  There's another part of me that's saying I'm a terrible person for wanting to put my mother in jail. 

I  think I'm going to talk to my mother when I go home to take my dog out.  I can't talk long, but I'll give her a choice.  She can either take responsibility or I'll let it go to trial.   Maybe, by some miracle, she'll feel guilty and decide to do the right thing.

I just don't think I should have to accept the blame for this.  I had nothing to do with it.

Well my place is clean too but --back to you tayana. Have you decicded what to do? Sometimes we are given too much time to think, but generally the first thought is the 'gut' thought and I have to agree that if a family member did this to me I wouldn't hesitate to take action.

My son-in-law (before daughter divorced him) owed me $55,000.00 so I put it in a lawyer's hands and it took some time, but eventually by garnishment of his wages , it was over. I don't regret that one bit.

There is a lesson here and many of us tend to forget--- our own family will screw us too. Also "Never a borrower nor a lender be". "Friends, Romans Xountrymen, lend me your ears-------------------------------------------------------"   look at that man over there with a bag of ears,


Izzy

[lighter]

Izzy:

I didn't know you collected on that loan.

I'm pleasantly surprised bc it always sounded like you were so completely screwed by him..... and he got away with it all. 

I bet that really ticked him off.... and surprised him.   At what point did you hire an attorney to get your money back?

[tayana]

My week was made yesterday when my boss told me . . . ready for this?  I'm getting a promotion.  Totally unexpected.  I'll have manager status which means I'll get sick time.  I'll get a raise.  It's going to be a good thing, and the timing couldn't have been better.

I took a couple of extra days off next week.  I don't think I'm going to mention it to my mom, just take my days off, send M to camp, so I can do some things like unpack.

M got in trouble tonight for mouthing off, so he lost his TV.  We went swimming and made brownies.  His grandma had bought him a new movie today, but he didn't get to watch it.  Terrible isn't it?

My mom was in a foul mood when I picked M up tonight.  I'm not sure why.  She kept trying to call me while I was talking to my brother about my patio garden, then when I called back she wouldn't even talk to me, so I talked to my dad about  my efforts to teach M to swim.  We floated tonight.  That's an improvement.

The lawyer won't return my calls, so I'm sort of stalled on the legal front.  He cashed my check though.

Deb, Harry was awesome.  I liked the end.

The house is still a mess, but I don't really care.  My mother won't set foot in here now.

[Hopalong]

Tayana,
CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion!

I'm so glad you've got that good news!
You're a strong hardworking survivor woman!

This makes me happy! 

And I'll congratulate you again if you stick to this about your upcoming days off:

I don't think I'm going to mention it to my mom

I just had 2 weeks off, with my mother out of the house, and I didn't breathe a word. A few days when I went to see her I was dressed in shorts. When she was alert to say something like, did you work today? I just said no, I had today off. I never told her I had a vacation (she would have said, well then, you have time to bring me home and take care of me).

Please take your days off for yourself and don't spend your precious life energy on your mother during them.

Hops

[CB123]

YAY, TAYANA!!!!!!!

Wish you could see me dancing around for you!  You are doing GREAT!

Love
CB

[isittoolate]

Oh lighter,

I didn't notice that post until now. (I've been playing that game..... with my daughter.)

Yes, I collected on that loan and you know what? My daughter was ahead of me for garnishment of his wages, re child support. She suspended her collections, so I was bumped to the front until I was paid off; then she could go back on for the child support.

Oh he was ticked and I would have been more ticked if I'd had no chance--but daughter helped..... in spite.

I gave the lawyer everything to start the case in about 1993.

Thanks for noticing and asking
xx
Izzy.

I'm anxious to get to bed to read a new book--by Nelson DeMille. usually anbout 10:00 and read for 2-3 hours.--just after 9:00 now

[lighter]

Two strong survivors..... Izzy and Tayana. 

Izzy, you're dd suspsended her child collection so you could collect?  That is an amazing thing to read.  I had no idea she did that for you and I suppose I'll stop kicking rocks and eatin bologna samichs over your skipping my post to play games with her, lol; )

Tay..... congrats on the fantastic news about your job.  I'm not surprised at all: )

Glad you resisted answering the phone when your mother was beeping in on your conversation with your brother.  Glad to see you don't plan on having her into your home.   

Sounds like M's being a pretty normal kid.  You so rock taking him to the pool and baking with him.  He's going to remember this the rest of his life, Tayana.  Such a good mama, you are.

I feel serenity flow through me just picturing you having some off time in your little nest, organizing and relaxing a bit..... doing some things for yourself.  (((Tay and M))) 

[Sela]

Hi Tayana,

I haven't posted to you in awhile but I've been reading along and I just wanted to chime in and say:

Yay!!  Congrats on the promotion!  Also on moving to your new home (is it starting to feel like home yet? I bet so!).  On your gradual disengaging from your anynumberofadjectives mother and on the lovely job you're doing of juggling it all, while growing into your skin as and doing a wonderful job as ...sole parent of a dear son and dog.

Look how far you've come in such a short time!

Fantastic and I'm very happy for you!   

Sela




PS:  May I respond to some of your ma's comments, just to vent ('cause I'd really just like to put a pie in her face  ):

"You think more of that dog than your kid."

I don't have a goat.

"You don't ever talk to me anymore."

What for?

"You  never told me he wasn't going to camp this week."

 

Yep.

"M is awfully distant."

He's learning. 

"He's turned into a city kid."

I told you I don't have a goat.

"He's getting so bad.  He just gets worse and worse."

Like his Granny.

"Why didn't you tell us you had to work we would have come and got him."

Exactly why I didn't tell you.

"I knew you were going to have a problem with that dog."

Hmmmm.  (Scratches chin.  Looks skyward)  Maybe I should get a goat?   

[lighter]

Heh, Sela.

I like you, lol.

[debkor]

Tay,

Congrats on  your promotion.  Your doing great.  I'm very happy for you and M.

Sela,

HAHHAHA
Thanks for the laugh.  Funny funny post.

Deb