When I joked about ending up with dogs----- something big hit me. I looked back at my life. The happiest times were when I felt centered and whole. I could have been doing anything . I could have been with people or alone. My happiness was a connection of wholeness with myself.
As I heal, slices in time are coming back to me. I remember being in N.C-visiting my aunt and cousin. I was walking in the morning to meet them for breakfast. The cigarette factories smelled like cigarettes,but it was a sweet,plant type of smell. I felt whole. Another time I was eating breakfast in the college cafeteria ,early,on a Sunday morning when no one was there. The coffee was so good and I think that I had french toast. It was sweet and delicious.
Slices of time of being at peace are coming back to me. Life was more "real" and vivid that it has been lately. At some point-my senses became more .grey. I guess I got that Psychological word that means you can't experience pleasure".
I remember that I had many really nice boyfriends and girlfriends. However, no relationship ever "filled" up my sense of self. It was fun and exciting to have a boyfriend,but it was 'grey" if I did not have myself.
So, I see that what I want-- no one can give me. This is good b/c none can take it away from me either. My H is really a "blip" on the radar screen" to where I want to go. When I get whole,I will know what to do with him.
I am in shock now -- so I will give it time to get out. My H is a victim of his upbringing,too. HOWEVER,I cannot allow any abuse by him, my son,mother etc. The abuse issue is a secondary issue ,too.
I am happy that I don't need them to help me get where I want to go Love Ami
