[Lupita,
You asked why it devastates you so to be ignored by people. I think when we feel deeply devastated because someone didnt say "hi" to us, it's because we need so much to have every bit of that approval in order to feel good in our own skin. I suspect, Lupita, that you feel very bad about yourself most of the time and you are very dependent on every bit of attention--kind of like crossing a deep, dangerous stream by stepping from rock to rock. You can't afford to take the next step unless a rock is there to land on.
There are some deep internal things to do to break free of this kind of thinking, and I see you doing them and not holding back from the hard work of facing your feelings and dealing with their origins. In addition you could do a couple of other things that both involve facing outwards: one, try to recognize that most people are focused on themselves more than you. That's both a curse and a blessing It sometimes it means that you don't get the empathy you would like, but it also means that you are probably not being actively rejected as much as you think
This ( above) is very profound. In my uncovering of the layers of my true self, I am coming to these lessons.I have been so dependent on outside approval b/c I felt so,very badly about myself. I was trying to fix the inside by controlling the outside.
Today, while I was exercising , I was thinking about Lupita's posts. I was trying to remember the 'happiest" times in my life. They were times when I was whole. The times when I was being complimented, approved of or found a new boyfriend were exciting,but they were not fufilling. When I was at peace wih myself, that was fufillling. I remember small slices in time when I was happy. Many of them involve other people ,but I was happy b/c I was in harmony inside--- not b/c the other person or situation "made" me happy.
As I heal, these slices in time are coming back to me. I am remembering the feelings that went with them. My happiest times were ALWAYS when I felt whole. The activity and the person were secondary.
CB's statement about "most people are worrying about themselves and not us" strikes me, too. I "knew" that when I was younger.. I was not that self conscious b/c I knew that no one was really very concerned about me. They were concerned about themselves. I could relax and just be me.
I remember how it felt to develop the qualities that I liked in me. I was a warm person and I liked that. I could make people feel comfortable. I had a good sense of humor. I ,also, tried to develop the character that I wanted. I wanted to act in a way that I could respect myself .These strivings for my own development gave me confidence This is the path, I think.Thank you CB. That was a great post Love Ami .
