intellectual vs. emotional responses

[guest101]

it might be useful for some who post here to think about the difference between intellectual responses and emotional ones and when one might be given where the other was needed.

for example, it seemed clear to me that overcomer was looking for comfort and understanding on an emotional level when she posted about her friend who had murdered her child and has since been imprisoned in the Are we Mentally Ill thread..

what I seemed to be hearing her say is:  I can't reconcile the friend I knew with the person who could do such a thing.

we all go through this -- when we face the horror of the person we thought we knew and the person whom they become after we've realized what they've done.

this is trauma.

integrating "both" people and understanding that is very difficult, especially since for many of us the horror we're revisiting is the trauma we suffered as children.

that's why people have a hard time believing that their pastor has molested their child, it's just too horrifying, believeing that nice, kind, giving Father so and so has done something so horrible.

we start to question everything we know and feel.

so when we go through something like that, intellectual explanations, definitions don't make us feel any better - I think they make us feel worst, IMO.

when we're trying to explain our feelings, others get offended and then we have to trip over ourselves apologizing to them for their hurt feelings and our feelings never get addressed.

I can imagine that many of us experienced this a lot growing up.

at the very least, this thread should give us all some things to think about.

I suppose what we're looking for is someone to say they understand and to share where they've felt the same feelings, too.

[Hopalong]

Hello Guest,
Is there something of your own story you'd like to share too?

Don't know anything about who you are...

Welcome,
Hopalong

[Ami]

Dear Guest,
  I 100% agree with what you are saying. I have tried to say this --on several occasions-- but I could not say it in the way that you did, although I "felt" it.
  There are two levels.Someone will ask a question on an emotional level and get an intellectual answer which just pushes them back in to "shame" and feeling like they were wrong to ask it.
  The people giving the "intellectual " answers ,often, are blocking the "same' emotions that the question brought up. Instead  of "owning " that they are blocking their own emotions-- they try to "take away the emotions of the  other person."
   I think that we, on the board, and in real life need to ignore those answers . Also, to know that the person who cannot understand on an emotional level is simply blocking their own pain. The trick is to not 'let them "push you away from your own healing.  That is the key-- on the board and in real life b/c those people are always there. 
                                                                       Love  Ami
 

[Ami]

Thanks Besee
   We all do it to others and  others do it to us---What I realized is that I have to honor my core and not let other opinions be put higher than my own gut. I think that this is a crucial lesson in life--- not just this one small area.Besee,  thanks for that sweet response, friend. It takes a lot of humility on your part to admit something like this                                     Love  Ami

[JanetLG]

Izzy,

Ami wrote:
"There are two levels.Someone will ask a question on an emotional level and get an intellectual answer which just pushes them back in to "shame" and feeling like they were wrong to ask it."

And you replied with:

"HUH?"

I think what Ami is saying is that, suppose a person writes on the forum," I feel like so-and-so when this happens", and they get a response from someone who says, "Ah, that's wotsit theory, propounded by DrThingy, everyone knows that!".

That's an emotional level comment replied to with an intellectual one.

If the original poster wanted an emotional reply, they'd have felt better if they had a response such as: "I've had that, it was dreadful, it made me feel terrible. I'm sorry for you."

Getting an analytical response when you wanted an intuitive/emotional one makes you feel ashamed for asking the 'wrong' question (even though it's not wrong).

Is that what you were saying, Ami?


Janet

[Ami]

Yes-- Thank you ,Janet                               

[lighter]

Note to self:

Lable my threads accordin to responses I wish to receive.

Hmmmmm, makes sense to me.


Example:



I hate my marriage and need words of encouragement please!

As opposed to....

I keep banging my head against the wall...  why do you think it hurts?



Or.....


Need understanding and empathy regarding Nmum dilemma.

as opposed to...


Do you think I should go NC with Nmum?


We could also invite or prohibit debate and/or support and limit a thread to only those responses we desire on a particular subject under the rules and regulations of...... ummmmm....... guest 101 was it?.... according to a posters invidivual need for emotional or intillectual responses.

::HUGE intake of breath::

All posters unable to limit or control said responses will be asked to sit in the naughty box and think about what they've done.  ::nodding::

If guest 101 is Dr. G.....  I know I got time in the naughty box coming, lol; )  

[mudpuppy]

Hi g101,

  No offense intended, but I went back and read your posts on Overcomer's thread and they seemed remarkable for how devoid of emotion they were and seemed to me to be almost completely of an intellectual nature.
  Now I'm not tossing rocks here as I usually give the wrong response myself, but I just found the wise counsel in this thread a tad at odds with your actual words on Overcomer's. Perhaps you perceived your words on her thread as emotional support and I am misinterpereting them myself. Or perhaps you are criticising yourself here. I don't know.
 I also wonder if Overcomer herself feels "imprisoned" on her thread.
 Not looking for conflict, just speaking my admittedly occasionally ossified mind.

mud

[Ami]

Dear Izzy,
   I am going to defer to someone else to explain it .                                 Ami

[bigalspal]

Ok, people, here goes, I really HATE to get into this again.
Although I'm not the Guest poster, I guess I have to agree with what they said.
I just couldn't articulate it like they did.
When I came to this board, I was so excited to find a place where I could just get it all out without an "intelectual" point of view. Just some place where I could be heard. With people who understood what I was saying & didn't mind that I let it all hang out. As I grew a little stronger, I began to see I had something positive to offer back. After the "intelectual"  discussion & all the stuff was said about being more PC, & sensitive to what was being written, I began to question if it was ME that was not doing the right thing & hurting others that come here for help. As you know, that opened Pandora's Box. In her box were all the negative things that I've internalized all my life.
BTW, I always try to be PC when dealing with other hurting people. I don't find that wrong or offensive, but who's to say what's right or wrong (of couse I don't mean racial or ethnic type slurs) if you are not the hurting person? I'm not sure I would want to make that call. And BTW, NOTHING on this board that I "stumbled across" has ever hurt me in a personal way. Not until I felt I was being called to task about my post. A few posters, while being supportive, seemed to leture me that I was wrong because I felt that way. Again, I know someone with my issues doesn't always know she is being attacked or not. But I did feel that way. I want ANYONE to be able to say what they want (including me) without having to see it from an inelectual point of view. That's not what I'm here for. It feels like I'm being lectured to.I'm here first & foremost to get it all out, then proceed with my healing.
I hope you can try & see my point of veiw. I didn't think I'd ever be able to post again, even when I said I would. So, I'm trying to be brave & face this particular fear.
Thanks for listening,
Bigalspal  

[JanetLG]

Bigalspal,

Please keep posting! I learn so much from your posts. I'm sorry you felt 'got at' sometimes.

I think what you've explained, though, is very true. Especiallly when people first find this board, it tends to result in a splurge of emotional offloading, because it's such a relief to be among people who don't look at you as if you're mad.

Then, people not exactly 'calm down', but they get to the point where they can offer advice to others, based on their experiences...and that's where the problems start, because some people want the emotional stuff, and some want the intellectual stuff.

If we were 'rational' enough when we start a new thread to say ' with this one, I'm looking for theories and answers' or 'with this one, I'm looking for sympathy and me-too responses', it would be simple. But we're emotional, feeling people, and we've all been hurt. Badly. So sometimes we are unclear in what we ask for, and sometimes we're a bit blinkered when we read other people's posts, because we're all starting from different places.

I don't see an answer to it, really, except to all try to be understanding, and not critical of other people's offers of support.

Here endeth the lesson!

I'm off for some chocolate, before somebody flames me.

Janet

[lighter]

Hi g101,

  No offense intended, but I went back and read your posts on Overcomer's thread and they seemed remarkable for how devoid of emotion they were and seemed to me to be almost completely of an intellectual nature.
  mud

Ummmm.... 101's first post actually looked like it was copied from a medical source and was sans empathy for Overcomer. 

[bigalspal]

Lighter,
OMG! I felt EXCATLY the opposite as you did!
I felt Guest101 was saying his/her post with warmth and comfort. It really made me feel like someone "got me".
I didn't feel like it came from a text book. Just the opposite. I THANK Guest101!
Bigalspal

[lighter]

Lighter,
OMG! I felt EXCATLY the opposite as you did!
I felt Guest101 was saying his/her post with warmth and comfort. It really made me feel like someone "got me".
I didn't feel like it came from a text book. Just the opposite. I THANK Guest101!
Bigalspal

Are you talking about Guest101's FIRST post on Overcomer's thread?  I do believe it was copied directly out of a medical source.

[bigalspal]

I'm talking about Guest101's ORIGINAL thread. THIS one we are now on. The first post.
Bigalspal