intellectual vs. emotional responses

[reallyME]

Dandylife,

The "you should know what I'm thinking" is not only BPD but also an NPD trait.  It's also stated as "you should always be one step ahead of me!"  or "if you really loved me, you would have KNOWN I don't like ______"

BG-  Don't lecture me. LISTEN to me. If a need a lecture, I have my NMother's phone number.
Bigalspal

This made me smile.  That is sooooooo right!

[lighter]

. But when an oldtimer gets SNIPPY, that's not gonna be taken very well by someone who is too new to understand what is going on. This idea might never come to fruition, (Newbie Corner), but just maybe an oldtimer & a Newbie can get off on better footing.
Love,
Bigalspal

::raising hand::

I don't have a problem with a newbie corner, bigalspal.

When I first came here I wanted so badly to ask someone who everyone was and what the board dynamics were. 

A newbie corner won't help you figure that out but..... if it helps..... why not?

[bigalspal]

Hi Ch & Others,
I guess CH, I'm not there yet. That's why I cannot relate to the "snippiness" of someones tone. I don't expect I will EVER be there. I guess we'll have to disagree on that one.
I am however, old enough to know there will be confict. I believe i've stated than over & over again. Confict is to be expected. BUT, I did not engage this person. I even aplogized for apologizing earlier! I can see where this is getting me nowhere! *pulling out hair*.
I don't see why you & some of the others on this board  don't get this. And I know you don't understand why I won't get it either.
Other people have stated very clearly that they feel like they've been attacked, too & didn't like it.
It can't just be ME!
Ok, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start a new thread with that old topic, & see if I can get the answers I was looking for in the first place. (At least I will as soon as I get off the phone with my husband) I'll try to post in a kind & thought provoking manner, if you will.
How about it? I'll see you on another topic as soon as I can!
Love,
Bigalspal
 

[bigalspal]

Hi Lighter,
Thanks for the reply about the Newbie Corner. I'm not sure if it'll ever happen, but it's something to think about!
Love,
Bigalspal

[Certain Hope]

See you "over there" Bigalspal 

Say, is it okay if I call you "Pal"? 

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Pal,

Is it okay if I ask you to ponder something...I hope it helps, I don't want to stir the pot...this is meant as a gentle question:

If you think about the notion of someone being "snippy" , and then you think about the word attack -- do they seem like they match? Like...if they were weights in your hands, would they weigh the same?

I think you had a strong triggered feeling when you felt "corrected". Does that go waaaay back? (By the way, I can so relate to hugging cardboard cutouts...my NMom literally stands there, arms stiff at her sides, whenever I put my arms around her). Anyway, I just want to say that from being around a while, I know Write has had a tough time with her bipolar illness at times. She manages it so very well but it can be disabling. And she's just now had an episode, and a very recent divorce and move to handle. For her, the phrase "mental illness" is triggering too. My guess is when she was abrupt in that post, it had nothing to do with you...just her own trigger--that resonates with her life as much as feeling "lectured" resonates with you.

I don't know about you, but I'm often not "in the moment" enough to catch on that things I respond with great heat and hurt to, are often not about me at all. I was just thinking, maybe weighing the words, and knowing a little more about the context, might be helpful. If not, feel free to ignore me! I promise not to take it personally.

Meanwhile, if I'm beating a dead horse into dogfood, forgive me. I like you and am delighted you are here with us! You are an ebullient interesting woman and I am enjoying getting to know you. Everybody hits "off notes" now and then, but I truly believe that as a group, as a community, we try hard to be good to each other.

Knowing that about the overall intention is good enough for me. I have faith in this board as a healing, growing, amazing place (warts and mistakes and all)--I hope in time you will too.

Is your hubby on the road this weekend?

love
Hops

[lighter]

Hops.... that was such a good post.  I couldn't have said it better. 

[bigalspal]

Hi Hops,
I guess I'm not sure what I feel right now. At first, I guess (no, I know) I felt attacked.
Then after I was able to find my voice & started fighting back (I hate to put it like that), then it wasn't so scary anymore. It became a lot easier to realize it was just Write being snippy.
I was just horrified & felt responsible for a lot of possible new posters being hurt by what I had said.
Remember, she ended her post with something like this: "I'm worried about the new people stumbling across these topics & being hurt by them." I'm paraphrasing because I don't have the energy to cut & paste her post. Boy, that was a lot to put on my shoulders. I was one of the ones that started the NEW ball rolling. I honestly did not feel I was going to hurt anybody.
When she suggested It might, I just lost it. That was not fair to do that to me.
So, I guess I went through a lot of different stages. Grief, Fear, Shame, & then Anger.
Write might have issues, but it still does not give her the right to give me a mantle of shame I did not earn.  That's a HUGE trigger for me-Shame. I haven't grown enough to handle that well.
I guess when you are new, you think that the others on the board might be a little further along than you. I say that with kindness. I'm not trying to be glib. That's honestly what I thought.
I guess I was just surprised.
I hope I can learn from this & grow. My husband always tell me I'm too trusting. That I always expect the best first & then I get hurt. How in the world I got too trusting with strangers is beyond me. All that I can come up with is that CLOSE family members were not to be trusted, so I guess I think strangers might be better. I honestly don't know.
So, I guess I better get to bed. I have an early pre-surgery Dr.'s appt. tomorrow.
I hope everyone gets a good night's sleep!
Oh, yep, you can call me "Pal". I think it's great!
Love,
Bigalspal
  

[guest101]

hops, thanks for responding to my confession - that I had been deeply hurt here, for offering your apology and understanding.

it means a lot and I appreciate it.

Bigalspal, I can really understand where you're coming from and I'm glad I was able to give voice to your pain.

Ami, I agree with you -- I think some people are just mean.  Why that is can be speculated on.

My opinion is that they are removed from their own feelings so that they don't realize when they've hurt another.

or they just don't care.

some of us  - myself included, learned how to be mean from our parents and don't know any better.

i'm not saying that's the case all the time here but it is some of the times.

I had to learn how NOT to be mean.  that meant coming in contact with feelings that i would rather have avoided.

i also had to learn how to hear another person when they were saying "ouch" -- even if my own ears were smarting.

i also had to learn how to not deal with those people who were hurtful.  especially if they couldn't hear me say ouch. 

[guest101]

oh, I also had to learn to read between the lies. 

I had to learn to watch what people were actually doing and stop paying attention to what they say they were doing.

[bigalspal]

Guest101,
Once again, you have articulated exactly what I could not.
Thank you.
Bigalspal

[reallyME]

guest101 i also had to learn how to not deal with those people who were hurtful.  especially if they couldn't hear me say ouch. 

This statement had me pondering.  Sometimes I think, the N's in our lives, have even said "ouch" in order to gain our sympathies and have us right back under their control.  That might be why, some on here, even when the other is screaming "ouch," have learned to IGNORE it and go on with their lives.

Just a thought, not directed at any 1 person.

[bigalspal]

Hi Reallyme,
I totally agree with you. In fact, it became crystal clear. The ones that will not except the fact that I felt I was being attacked, snipped at, WHATEVER you want to call it & keep "gaslighting" me, trying to make me see it their way, are reacting to their upbringing just like ME.
The more I applogized, the more sympathy I got, but the more I stood up for myself the more I got "Bigalspal, are you SURE you seeing this the RIGHT way? I just don't SEE it that way".
I don't care how YOU saw it. You can state that. That's your right. I respect that. But don't keep on & on trying to convince me I was WRONG.
It SO like what I grew up with.
Before you go there (anyone reading this), & say you LOVED it when people were taking YOUR side. OF COURSE I did! YOU DID TOO!
EVERYONE wants validation. EVERYONE.
So, I see this a HUGE lesson for ME. Maybe not YOU.
I need to trust my own feelings. Believe me that's HARD.
Isn't this board called. VOICELESSNESS?
Because that's what THEY did to us?
I want my voice!
Love,
Bigalspal
 

[reallyME]

BGPal,

I have to be honest with ya.  I tend to be very OPINIONATED, so I've been told and agree.  I have to work very hard to not force my "truth" on other people, because I believe that it is the ONLY TRUTH there is, and I DO. 

I have learned that, in this world, there are people of varying beliefs, and, if I don't want to be harmed or killed, I best leave them to those beliefs.  We live in a world with some rough characters, and we sometimes need to let "sleeping dogs lie" as the saying goes.  I do what I can to share what I know and stand firm on, but if someone isn't interested, I let them do their thing.

The people that seem to grate on your nerves, are those who insist that you "see it their way" because you choose to see it YOUR way...I see nothing wrong with you choosing that or me choosing something else...but, I dare say, I do at least consider what other people say as having some possible validity.  That does not mean I have to do what they do...again, you, I , others all are allowed to have our CHOICE in things.  If someone tries to take that away from us, it is indeed an attempt to render us VOICELESS.

[Ami]

Bigalspal, I can really understand where you're coming from and I'm glad I was able to give voice to your pain.

Ami, I agree with you -- I think some people are just mean.  Why that is can be speculated on.

My opinion is that they are removed from their own feelings so that they don't realize when they've hurt another.

or they just don't care.

some of us  - myself included, learned how to be mean from our parents and don't know any better.

I'm not saying that's the case all the time here but it is some of the times.

I had to learn how NOT to be mean.  that meant coming in contact with feelings that i would rather have avoided.

i also had to learn how to hear another person when they were saying "ouch" -- even if my own ears were smarting.

i also had to learn how to not deal with those people who were hurtful.  especially if they couldn't hear me say ouch. 




Dear Guest,
   This(above) is a prescription for life. You outlined how to walk through this world and be emotionally healthy. The board is a "mini" world. There are characters,like in the video games, who are trying to derail you. There are helpful friends trying to coax you on,
  We have to find our core and learn how to deal with the derailing influences,. I think that "normal" people have already learned this lesson. Maybe, the difference between us and "normal" people is that we have not learned the life lessons
  Guest-- please keep posting. You have acquired a lot of wisdom. I really love your voice
   Bigals pal------ you have found your reason to be here- to find your precious,lost voice.                                             Love  Ami