intellectual vs. emotional responses

[guest101]

Hi, Portia

[isittoolate]

I talk to myself a lot. It helps me keep my identities straight   

Well actually I was listing off on my fingers out loud, what I have left to do...................

'''''''''''''''''shop, tomorrow. then make a seafood salad and a pasta salad and I'm ready for the onslaught!

[guest101]

LOL now I can laugh ---  I think what's happening here might fall under No. 6

http://www.nagty.ac.uk/student_academy/forums/netiquette.aspx

[isittoolate]

Honestly, I thought this thread would die!

May I shoot it?

[Hopalong]

 
I've missed her too Izz...I'm sure! 

Hi (((P))))

Hops

-speaking of Ps, where's Pennyplant?

[guest101]

hi Guest101,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((guest101))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I sure did miss you and I'm glad you're back, no matter how you choose to post.   

bean

Hi Bean, it sounds like you think you've figured out who I am.  I might be assuming myself.  I sure would have like it better if you spoke to me and tried to find out why I was so hurt about what happened here, then you'd be sure to know who I am.

Honestly, I thought this thread would die!

Funny, though posting the chit chatter is keeping the thread very much alive.

I'd like to do something unorthodox.  I'd like to invide everyone who's posted on this page to talk about what they feel about this thread but the catch is they have to be honest.

No attacking, pointing fingers, scapegoating and blaming.  That way we could figure out why this thread (which so many SAY they find distasteful) has over 1,000 views and over 160 responses. 

I can be open and honest with whomever is honest with me, but I will not participate in this game of disrupting the thread or changing the subject.

Been there and done that at the dinner table with many a spouse and family member.

Hasn't any one else experienced that?

People talking around you.  Ignoring you.  Changing the subject while they look at you with accusing eyes -- it feels awful, doesn't it?

You've brought up the unspoken and broken the FOO rule and you get punished for it.  Isn't that what is happening here.


 
 

[lighter]

Izzy, dear....

would



 you




please




shoot




this




thread?




I'll help make the pasta salad..... ::tapping foot::



Ok.....


::hanging head:::




And the seafood one.

[guest101]

Thanks Portia -

I always loved your in-your-face-honestly-this-is-what-I-think/feel approach.  

It is refreshing.

The other day one of my sons was attempting to ride a 10 speeder.  He was a little wobbly and unsure of himself but I encouraged him to take a go on the smooth terrain of the street rather than try to manage the crack sidewalk.  He was scared though and just kept trying to manage the sidewalk.  As he disappeared out of my sight around the corner . . .

Well, a thought popped into my head -- a memory.  My memory is shot -- too much abuse. I had to disassociate so I forgot a lot of stuff.  But this memory was of myself riding my own ten speeder, except we were not allowed off the block.  We had to ride back and forth in front of my house and that was really ridiculous on a ten speeder.  My younger brother and I decided to give it a go around the block and we did this, feeling free and glorious for about five minutes until we spotted one of my oldest brothers stomping up the block.

He'd seen us!!!

Well when my oldest brother got there he smacked me so hard I literally went black and saw all the stars and fireworks.  I think he knocked me out cold for a while.  When my Mom got home of course she said I got what I deserved

They (my FOO) were always tellings us that the rules about not going too far, not doing this and not doing that were for our safety.

They (my FOO) always said there were bad people out in the world that could do us harm.

But that was a lie!

The dangerous people, the people who were harming us were right in that house.  We had much more to fear from them than we did from anyone on the outside.

I think that memory came to me because I can handle that truth right about now.

So what I've finally learned from my FOO 40 years later is:  The most dangerous, abusive people are so much so because they PRETEND to be nice.

[Ami]

Dear Friends,
   I think that Guest is asking us to resolve this so Guest feels comfortable coming back to the board. Why is that so hard to do? Do we want to be scapegoated as Guest seems to be? We have all been there,ourselves.     Can't we extend grace to Guest even if we disagree or don't disagree with individual posts?  Isn't that what we didn't get from N's?                                    Ami       

[guest101]

Portiam, what do I feel about Ami's perception?

I think it's clear what is happening here and the more the responses come the more clear it is.

It was very hard to live through the ranting, screaming, (fake) threats of self-harm, etc. and then have them act like nothing had happened when they next walked through the door.

I think people are assuming I'm someone I'm not -- which is funny, because they won't even ask!!!

So I think people here don't want to address me and my pain but want to glaze over it because they feel it's (FAKE)  .

Sometimes people give examples of their own form of narcissism.  The person's pain becomes about them -- what they feel, what they can take, what they can handle -- what happened to THEM in the past.  What happened to the my moment on the floor, after all it's my thread.

It's been stolen, that's how it seems, and you know that's well and good if you're dealing with an abusive person who is out to hurt and use you and who isn't being honest about their pain and feelings in the first place  but if you're not . . .



Ami, I've decided to take some of your advice.  since I'm obviously going to be ostracized and not allowed to "play" with the other members I'll just keep voicing my own stories and truth and ignore the "bullies".

I am genuine and my pain is genuine, and no one here (even though they seem to think they do) knows what happened to me and what I'm truly talking about because they haven't

ASKED!!!!

To me, that means that they are not interested -- and judging by the responses that seems pretty clear, too.
Seems pretty clear they're wishing I'll just go away.

Those who HAVE been supportive, kind and understanding -- in short, for staying true to your spirit thank you for that. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing for me, I guess.  It's about doing so with love.

Being dismissive and having a judging spirit about someone else's trauma -- I don't understand that.

[harris]

Light, how would you feel if the next time you write about the pain of your divorce and your fear in the night that your husband could attack you if someone posted that they want to make pasta salad?  How would that make you feel?  Please give a serious, non-sarcastic answer.

CB, there was a time when you were shaking in your boots about your divorce.  You are stronger now, but you are becoming a haughty, condescending know it all.  Try to remember the many, many, many times when you reached out in your pain and people helped you.

Laughter is important.  But please do not laugh at someone else’s pain.

[Ami]

Dear Guest,
  I think that  you need to fight for your voice. I have found that some people here do not like me, but many others do. Sometimes, i will get criticism from some people for something that other people thank me for bringing up. That is a big lesson to me. It tells me that some people will want to push me down or off,.However other people will appreciate me for the very same thing.
  My conclusion is that I need to fight for the opportunity to strengthen my voice. The board helps me to do that. Every interaction that I have here strengthens me. Usually I learn more from the 'bad" ones if I can process them right.
 I need a few special, supportive friends within the board community to help me when I am being attacked. They build me up when I am too weak to build myself up. i think that this is crucial to being a board member. Maybe, you did not have this. i could not survive without it.
  I think that you would be letting yourself down to "slink away". Your voice is just as important as anyone who criticized you                                                    Ami

[guest101]

Thanks CB for finally addressing me.  

I have been asked, but I didn't feel it was sincere or well intentioned and I didn't feel comfortable and I don't have to do anything unless I feel comfortable.

You do not know who I am at all. When I posted here I had an entirely different email address, which account I cancelled.

But this whole conversation is defensive and aggressive.

My response to you is not about my past hurt with other people. It is about your actions.  Not something I am projecting

About my actions?

You're assuming who I am.  

And you are assuming whatever that you think happened on the board was about you.

Well, newsflash -- it wasn't about you; it was about my own trauma from way back and all that I needed was a soft place to fall.  

It wasn't personal.

Why not just ask me with genuine concern what the hell happenned -- I don't feel the concern because it doesn't seem to be there.

And after all of these years I've learned to trust my instincts.

They've never failed me.

I am not your fake, ranting, screaming N -- I am someone else.  Please stop treating me like I am that person.

This will be my only response to you.  You can have your thread back.

My N dad used to do this -- announce in a dismissive way that he won't be addressing me anymore.  I've learned it was to reject me -- put me in my place.

There's a number of on going threads here and an option to start more -- what could be so attractive about this thread, so important that anyone needs to post on it and announce that they won't be posting anymore; or announce how much they dislike the conversation; or announce how much they'd like it to go away.

Why not just ignore it all together?

It's a rhetorical question.  I'm not interested in arguing.  

I just wanted to be left to voice my own pain and feelings in peace.  God knows what I need and I trust in Him, that He will send it to me, even if it comes only be the relief I get in typing these words.  All of this, I believe, is just standing in His way.  But that is the job of Satan, to block the goodness coming your way and to leave you in pain and sadness and Satan will use anyone who will allow themselves to be used.

I understand not everyone shares my faith -- and I don't say this to be offensive or accusatory but :

I claim my good and I rebuke Satan on this thread and ask God to give me the peace that He promised me so that I can continue to testify about his goodness and glory.

Amen.

[Ami]

This is my opinion,Guest. You can use the pain from your background,with your father- and make it play out DIFFERENTLY- this time. In the past ,I think that your father won and you walked away wounded. Why not make a different ending this time.? Why not  start  a new thread,?. I have been through several "deaths" on the board. Then ,I emerged stronger and with a more powerful voice. God will send you special people to help you. He ALWAYS does. Trust him and take this opportunity to make a different ending for yourself . Start a thread, at the beginning of this issue-- with your father not allowing you to have your voice. Write about your history of rejection( we all have it). Write about the patterns that it keeps repeating in your life. Write about the pain  that you feel,. Write about betrayal  on the board or in real life or both   Many people will understand  and you will even encourage newcomers to come out and to heal. When I am so real that it hurts,  then newcomers will come out to support me. It never fails                Love  Ami

[guest101]

Thank you Ami - even in the midst of your trials and tribulations you still find it in you to be supportive.

I will consider and pray on what you've suggested but . . .

right now it's really important for me to now allow anyone to make a mockery of my trauma.

my pain is real and genuine.  i have the scars to prove it.  scars that are emotional, deeply etched in my soul, gaping and oozing -- scars that are physical, ugly gashes, keloid over and healing -- slowly but not fast enough.

No one knows the heartache I've gone through -- no one!!!!

People can sympathize, empathize, understand with compassion surely but it's takes a willing heart to do that and . . .

I can't be fooled anymore.  I'm done with opening up to people who mean me harm.  I've done that all my life.

so whether I will open up on this board in a therapeutic way remains to be seen.  I know in my heart that God allows us to go through pain so that we can share our stories and be supportive of one another with a heart that truly understands because after all we've been there ourselves.  So yes, my story can help so many people.

But I cannot help anyone if I'm under attack.