And the longer my husband denies the dysfunction, the more i feel like he has me and his mom on the same level in terms of openness and honesty goes.
I' currently looking at boundaries and where mine are weak or non-existent, but it's sooooo hard to focus on that stuff when my husband keeps checking to see if I'm ok. i love him dearly and I don't think he does these things to hurt me, but his reactions when I try to talk ona matter-of-fact basis really put me off.
Hi Jillebean,
I've felt this way... like my husband may put me and his mom on the same level in terms of emotional openness and honesty.
This is something I've been working through here at home... trying to come to terms with my own part in it... because I'd tried to keep communication open with my m-i-l, while he basically had chosen to ignore her, for the most part.
Now the people involved in my particular situation aren't NPD, but alot of the same factors are involved... I guess because of past emotional turmoils.
And I'm two years out of drinking, too... still learning to feel and deal with emotions, rather than stuff or numb them.
Anyhow, I'm just coming to see that I was setting up a no-win situation for my husband when (in my mind) I'd hinge our entire relationship on his approach to his mother. I do not mean to say that's what you're doing... and I do understand that it's much different when an in-law is NPD and there are children involved...
but I've found that he is much more receptive to my input re: my feelings (including about his mother) when I make it clear to him that I don't expect him to "fix" anything... just need him to hear and hug. From what I can tell, he's shut off alot of his
own feelings about his mother because they're too overwhelming to hold. I'm beginning to think that's quite wise of him to practice this sort of detachment.
Re: my dealing with her, he just wants me to do whatever will be "okay" for me, and... (here's the unspoken part, I think)... leave him out of it.
Since he and I don't have any children together and live 200 miles away from her, this is a much simpler matter.
But trying to put myself into your shoes, I wondered... does your husband have a strong interest in ensuring that your children spent time with his parents?
Is this something which he actively promotes or does he just generally choose the path of least resistance?
See, I'm trying to put myself into the position of not resisting so much as standing on my own ground, if that makes sense... and allowing him to stand on his.
That ground is becoming more common and shared as I learn to distinguish my emotions about my m-i-l's behavior from my emotions about my husband and his emotions about (whatever).
So when I tell him I feel such and such about something his mom did, I don't need him to
feel the same way... only to value my feelings by acknowledging them. As we practice this together, the door opens for him to tell me how he feels about some of this... and to share with me how he deals with it. Eek.. I'm not doing very well expressing this, but the main thing I'm finding is that he needs to know I don't expect him to make everything okay for me. With that pressure off, we each have room to grow.
Hugs to you.
With love,
Hope