New to the realization of Narcissism

[motheroffour]

I am a wife and a mother who is now realizing, with the help of my therapist, that I may have married into a Narcissistic family.  For ten years, I have dealt with crazy-making circumstances that have destablized my self worth and deminished my ability to trust my environment.  My husbands family looks so perfect.  They feel perfect.  They have many friends, are very charming, active in community/church service, are talented and fun.  They have fanclubs.  They live comfortably with all the praise they recieve.  They were even voted "Family of the Year".  But behind the scenes, when I am alone, the attacks take place.  Nothing I feel or do or say is right.  They assume they know my thoughts and tell me what I feel and think and what kind of person I am.  The twins, "shame and blame", seem to be part of my mother-in-laws daily discourse.  Along with intense control and claims of victimization when she doesn't get her way.  Empathy, negotiation, acceptance of opposing views, all seem to be difficult, if not impossible.  They do all the right things but the feelings are absent.  They don't have problems.  Problems are shameful.  They are different or more special than the rest of the world. Kind of "blessed by God".  They look and sound humble.  No one on the earth would believe me if I discribed what I experience on the inside.  I feel alone and hurting and have tried over the years to distance myself.  That, of couse, is against the rules of happy families.  I can't have any other emotion but happiness.  If I am having a bad day, they feel that I have disturbed their happiness and am blaming them for my problems.  If I have a concern with the family, it is met with such resistance that sends me reeling back.  My therapist says, "run like Hell."  Has anyone experienced living in the perfect family that is so emotionally underdeveloped?  I have felt so crazy.  To feel so badly about people who look so christian.  My husband finally sees it too.  His is coming terms with the emotional handicaps he has as a result.  I feel so alone.  I feel really trapped and want to move to another country to protect myself and my kids.

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
   I am so sorry that you are enduring this. I think that one really bright spot is that your Husband is seeing it,too. I think that it is unusual for the son of such a family to be so honest. That is a really,really positive thing that you have on your side.
   I have a N( narcissistic) mother and a silent father. I think the main point that I would like to emphasize  is  to  trust yourself and your perceptions. No one would"imagine" the things that you are describing.
   FBI agents say that they always trust their 'gut" . It very rarely leads them wrong. I would trust myself.
   If you have your husbands help-- you should be able to break away in the best way that you know how. Keep sharing. You will find great wisdom ,here.                      Love  Ami

[isittoolate]

Welcome MOF

Trust your therapist and "Run Like Hell"

You and your husband and children make a family. Your family does not need any outside influence from Ns

The next best piece of advice after RLH is NO CONTACT. No contact means do not see them,  do not answer phone calls from them, do not answer emails from them, do not think of them, do not try to exact revenge on them, do not have the teeniest iota of ANYTHING to do with them and the longer there is No Contact the faster you will heal from any trauma already done.

They are toxic people and there is no point in carrying any relationship one step further.

you are very fortunate that your husband reconizes what you do and together you can work on living your own  lives without the N relatives.

Good Luck to you.
love
Izzy

[bigalspal]

Hi Motheroffour,
Welcome to the board!
Listen, what you are feeling is not crazy. There is no way a "normal" family cannot have ups & downs. To deny you your feelings is damaging. My husband & are Christians. While we acknowledge we are truly blessed, we don't feel like we are the OLY ones. Of course, that exactly the type of behavior a true Narcissist would believe. What type of "fanclub" is it? That is weird!
Anyway, I have an NMother who thinks she "special". It's HARD to live up to!
We've all be through this. You are in a safe & caring place.
Bigalspal

[redginger]

Motheroffour, I'm also new here and new to this whole N thing, so I can't give any advice. I just wanted to give you a hug ((((hug)))). I'm very happy that your husband is seeing things as they are, I think that will be a tremendous help to you and your family.
Red

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mother))))))))))))))))))))))))
Welcome and I look forward to hearing more. I am pleased that you said your husband is coming to the realization along with you. That means your family is strong. Wonderful to hear that you have a therapist who tells you the truth!!!! Can you get away????? How soon?????
Love, Beth

[sea storm]

Mother of four, Moffie

How eloquently you describe life as a feeling person in a culture of narcissists. Their training is rigourous. They buy into a value system and condition each other with reward and punishment until it is cast in concrete. This kind of family is so enmeshed that an outsider is just a little critter who bounces off the pack. Enmeshed families are not good for spouses or human beings. There seems to be a covert acknowledgement, never spoken, that nothing you can do will ever be right.  Every such family needs a scapegoat and this is soul destroying for the candidate.

In  my case I married unknowingly into a family like that.  They were made up of people who knew how to enlist others as fans through their charisma and aura of ambition, success and bullet proof self esteem. There were several alcoholics in the family so that could account for some of the self absorbed and
entitled behaviour.  I could really relate to your description of the fans. My husband was described by many people as being the most Christ like person they had ever met. And smart. Smarter than the people around him for sure.
I thought he was brilliant and morally enlightened and facinarting too. People just followed him. His family certainly did. Sort of in the manner of the patriarch.  Eventually, he acquired lots of money and then it became inevitable that he would pay their downpayments on houses, set them up in business etc.  
This family made my life miserable. I was beautiful, intelligent, madly in love with him and mother of his child.  He beat me, cheated on me, left me alone and isolated on an island with no electiricty for weeks with a small baby. But he was the golden boy and the family treated me like an outsider. Spouses come and go but they are united. This could be a good thing but the cutting down and backstabbing that I experienced was insidious, constant and debilitatating. I had no idea  what was going on.

THere are narcissistic families. I have not found literature on this but have seen it.  They need scapegoats.  The brighter the stars, the darker the shadow. And their minions????? How come they only associate with people  a little less sharp, a little less brilliant.   They require these minions.  

One of the cardinal rules is not to feel and not to look deep.  If you are sensitive and look beneath the surface you will not be welcome. I agree, Get Out.  Keep sharing your story and get some healthy perspecitive on this family.

 What you have gone through sounds brutal.

Sea storm

[motheroffour]

Thanks to all that replied to me today.  Wow.  Someone actually answered me!?!  Your words are comforting and I so appreciate it.  I may need to clarify my comment on "fanclubs." What I meant was that this family has people who seem to follow them around constantly giving praise and support.  As I watch it, it feels one sided to me.  Or they seem part of the fabric of the perfect world filled with friends and happiness and everyone who makes you feel good.

Sea storm,  I appreciated what you said about the rigourous training.  My husband has recently commented that he has never really been allowed to have a "self".  He is to go along with the program, agree with the plan, and be happy about it. He said that he has never been allowed to really explore his inner thoughts and ideas until now.  So many times over the years, I have wanted to move far away.  We have changed cities twice.  But are within one hour driving distance.  They seem to come after us. They want us at every family party (usually once a month) and want access to the grandkids weekly.  Last night in bed, we thought about changing countries.

Thank you for your kind words and for the hugs from affar.  So many times I have wished for a hug from someone who knew.  Who I didn't have to endlessly explain to. Empathy seems scarce in my current environment. 

I think that I am a victim of the enmeshment.  Trying to break free.  Feeling that I need a great "unwinding" or "detoxing" from all the dogma that has held me prisoner.  I have recently moved into a new home.  We have been avoiding contact with his family and at the same time trying to create some peace after a family fight.  I hear their voices in my head.  I am sure someone is walking up to my frontdoor.  Sometimes I think I must be out of my mind.  Not sure why I believed them.  Not sure why I convinced myself that because they looked so happy and perfect, that emulating their stratagies would make me happy.  I miss myself a lot.  Trying to get it back.  Trying to give my "old self" permission to come out and breath and let my hair down and just be.  Did any of you need to do that too?  Anybody feel like they bought into it like I did?  You all sound so resistent to it.  How do you get that way?

[motheroffour]

The next best piece of advice after RLH is NO CONTACT. No contact means do not see them,  do not answer phone calls from them, do not answer emails from them, do not think of them, do not try to exact revenge on them, do not have the teeniest iota of ANYTHING to do with them and the longer there is No Contact the faster you will heal from any trauma already done.

I must say, this is exactly the statagy I have been reading about.  And my logical brain agrees.  But I feel a responsibility to remain in contact.  To detach without anyone knowing.  The backlash that will come if we cut them off with be brutal.  What about my husbands brothers and sisters that he loves so much.  What about his father who is not a N.?  What about my kids and their cousins who are best friends?  If it were me alone, I would move to Alaska faster than you can spit.  But the rest of my family is very attached to these relationships.  You see, my husband doesn't get the negative feedback I do.  He is used to being controlled.  Confortable with the social ease with which his family enjoys.  He is loved by many people.  I am invisable.  I have thought about divorce.  Even separated last year. My husband has finally realized the problems I face in this situation but this is a great loss to him.  We learned from our therapist about Narcissism only happened a few days ago.  His family is everything to him.  They are not evil people.  Their dysfunction is so embedded and so hard to identify.  One can't see it like you can see an alcoholic or someone who is visably mentally ill.  It seems like I am stuck trying to balance the needs of all involved.  And hoping that I can manage forgiveness and self-protection at the same time.
--motheroffour

[sea storm]

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Taking care of your children and your husband or saving yourself from disappearing.

How about taking care of yourself?  In the moment. You need not make declarations or leave the country to start to nurture yourself. You have been pushing the boulder up the hill long enough.

I believe that a husband needs to be loyal to his wife and if anyone tries to brutalize her they are in big trouble. There is something annoying about a mate who pretends not to see when his mate is getting hurt. How come you aren't angry about this?

I am not the most spiritually enlightened person  but this sounds like a real mess and I feel really sorry for you.

Good luck

Sea storm

[motheroffour]

Seastorm & CB.
Thanks for your words of advice.  So much has happened in the last three years....it is hard to sum up.  But the long and short of it is that is has been a mess.  I have been in therapy (couples and individual) for many months now.  We started going to address issues concerning my husbands addiction and my depression.  We started reading books, going to group, 12 steps, the works!  From the begining of our marriage, I saw the perfectionism and control.  Felt the backlash for sharing my own feelings and the shame for going against the system.  I can't count the number of times I tried to point it out to my husband.  He just couldn't see. He blamed me I think and thought I was too emotionally needy or too sensitive.  He never defended me --even to my face even though I begged him to.  I finally mustered up enough self-love to say no to his addiction and his family system (which he had enforced in our home) and left.  That was the turning point for us.  Since then, he has gotton a handle on his addiction and is finally out of denial about his family.  The news though about the N component of our stuggle has hit us both like a brick.  We have been reading the literature and are shocked at how it all seems to fit.  I feel like I see my last 10 years with completely new eyes.  My husband an I have moved to a different county and are trying to start a life away. 

Am I angry that my husband doesn't defend me?  Yes!!!!!! I am even more angry that he doesn't recognize it.  I try and explain.  Most of the time, he can't feel anything.  He takes my word for it and tries to act like he is defending.  The one time he did confront his family about how they treat me, caused such punishment.  It is 11 months later and we are still feeling the effects.  It was one conversation that could have been negotiated so easily.  But they just kinda cut him off.  It was crazy to see the reaction of the family.

Anyway, now I am literally trying not to disappear as you put it.  I am trying to nuture myself.  I have nuturing things I do every day.  I waiting for the day when it starts to sink in.  When I can feel the peace of detachment, and feel the flourishing of my self love.  It is, I must admit, the hardest challenge I have ever faced.

Thank you for your compassion.  It really means a lot.

motheroffour

[lighter]

((((Motheroffour))))

God bless you.... you have your plate full. 


Keep posting and educating yourself. 

Welcome

[Hopalong]

Warm Welcome, Mo4,

Wow. I think you deserve a retreat. You sound exhausted.

Is it possible? Is there any way you can do a women's workshop or an art or spiritual or therapeutic retreat?

I'm glad you're here. I'm really glad you know how important self-nurturing is.

It doesn't matter whether it's "justified" that you feel hunted and stalked by them.
It matters what you feel, and how you are.

Hopalong

[motheroffour]

You all are giving my strength.  thank you

mof 4

[jillebean]

because i'm right on the vortex of my husband's "damned if i do, damned if i don't --should i piss off my wife ir my mom this time?" triange i have to psoe the question i ask of myself: does your husband see his family as clinically dysfunctional to a really high degree? or is he just saying that to "keep the peace"?

as you all can see, i'm in need of sound life-experience advice on this topic as well.  i currently avoid MIL completely we have 3 children and i don't know how to be reasonable and rarional in regards to their levels of access my mil.  i don't know what's "normal" because my family is similar in looking so neat and tidy.  please help???!!!  and yes - husband and i are in counseling for this but i've had my fair share dealing with addictions and continued recovery/2+ yrs. sobriety (feels great to ay that and to live it) as well as therapy for abusive husbands (two prior).  i feel like he should do some individual work as well.