Voice or voiceless??? What is right?

[Certain Hope]

CH, if I ask A if he is mad at me, he might say, it is your idea, or you are paranoid, oh no, nothing, why do you say that. But I know he is mad. He never left with out saying good bey. We have been meeting since January, every 15 days.
Yesterday was the best meeting ever. It was smoke coming out of the place. Everybody was participating, because ny friend the writer knew how to create the ebvironement. Maybe A was threaten by that. A and O think that the group belongs to them. If they consider me a threat, they will kick me out. The others are sheeps, beeee beeee beee, they will do whatever O and A want. They accept O and A as superior, but me as equal, and to defy that is defiant.
I am not making any sense. What is wrong with me.

((((((((Lupita)))))))  More hugs for you.
To me you are making good sense. You're seeing all these people just as they are... and you are taking it to heart.
The seeing is good. The letting it settle into your heart to tear you to shreds is not so good for you at all.
What you describe sounds like a typical group power-struggle to me.
Just so you know... I'm glad that you're not like O and A. I'm glad that you are who you are.
I cannot help but think that at least some of those other sheep are also glad to have you there, and maybe they just don't know what to do with people like O and A either! I would have alot of trouble dealing with them, too.
Wish I could be of more help to you, but I can only telll you that I hope you'll keep posting about your feelings here and letting some of this wonderful support you're getting build you up. You are very much loved and appreciated here!

Hope

[lighter]

I'm still with you Lupita.

Get back to those affirmations and try to keep them up.  Tape some to your bathroom mirror and fridge.  Make a date with yourself to do something Lupita enjoys.  Go to the book store and buy something really yummy and tuck into it every day for an hour?  You can inquire about book clubs while you're there and pull back and observe yourself and your surroundings as you do this.

Become aware of whats going on aournd you.  Smell the coffee from the coffee bar.  Walk through different book sections you don't normally go to.  Check out the sale section and stay in the moment.  No worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.  Think about the nice cool air conditioning on your skin.  Go buy a coffee and peruse some of the books you're considering.  Concetrate on those books and that cup of coffee/tea. 

Enjoy that for yourself. You deserve to feel worthy and cared for. 

It's gonna be OK, ((Lupita))

[CB123]

Lupita,

Tell me about the book you are discussing right now in your book club.  You said that you arent enjoying reading literature right now?  What are you reading?  You know, you can learn a lot about people in literature--it doesnt have to be in a book like Trapped in the Mirror.

What are you reading now?  How long will you be discussing it?  Have you kept up with the reading?

Love
CB

[Lupita]

I just sent an e mail to reply all. I said: Dear friends, The meeting on the 4th, I will not be able to make it, niether the one of the 18th. I hope you have a wonderful time. The books, you can choose, I enjoy all the books we have read so far. And the place too. I will go to any place of your choice. See you on September. A big hug to all of you.

I do not have the strenght to deal with these people. I get too sick. I am so sad.

[Lupita]

Yes, CB, sometimes I think that I am the only one that really reads the books. As fast as desire, Laura Esquivel, the author of as water for chocolate. We finished that. We discussed that yesterday. I feel I am wasting my time. It is not the book. It is the power. I do not like to have power complots, and politics, that makes me sick. They are playing politics. I hate it.

[Ami]

I am going to express some ideas that I am in the process of forming. Take what you like and throw away the rest. It is about behavior in groups.
  I remember when I had a group in high school. There was a group dynamic..I was the leader.It just happened that way b/c I was strong about knowing who I was. I  did not need other people to affirm me. . I remember that I had that sense of internal strength. I think that my grandmother taught me things that made me feel that I could be strong,if I followed them. I had an internal compass. I remember that her main thing was to be a lady and have respect for yourself. She said that you had to live with dignity and to have a good reputation.I had external  values that I could measure myself  by..I remember that I had a peace about myself. I liked myself b/c I knew that I would not compromise and this gave me a sense that I was worth something.
    I fell very far from there ,as you can see, b/c I am in an abusive marriage. However, I am remembering what it felt like to know who you were and how far you would go in your relationships with people.
 My son(golden) is in a fraternity. He has become a leader in the fraternity. I asked him how it happened. He said that he had to be strong about himself.  He had to maintain his "voice" even if other people were saying that he was wrong.
   I think that we are "alone" even when we are with people. We, as voiceless people, might want others to define us.. The others have their own issues and we should not be asking for others to define us.If we do, we are set up for pain- and hurt  one way or another
  These are my own thoughts on groups-- just my voice--, not advice one way or another for Lupita  Love  Ami

[lighter]

So don't play their games, Lupita.  

You said NO to the next 2 meetings.  

You were polite and you don't have to explain any further than..."I have plans" if anyone asks why you can't make it.  

Take a breather and see how you feel.  

You left the door open to go back but..... sounds like you won't be interested when that time comes.  

We always read one of the Award Winning Short Story books at our groups.  I've always been happy with them.  

What kind of book do you think you'll pick out for yourself when you get around to choosing something you really want to read,  Lupita?

[Lupita]

.  I felt panicky.  And I realized it was because I thought that I was trapped by what they thought of me.  And if anything makes us an N-magnet it is that.

Why do we do this? I am sure if we ask around, everybody will say that has happened to them too.

Why????????????/

Is it because our parents did not satisfy our needs? Are we looking for aproval from these people? Why do we need their aproval? Is that the aproval that our mothers never gave us? I was never good enough for my mother. Never. I am not yet.
If I had a nurturing mother , would I be needing these idiot's validation? As you said, I am an N magnet!!!!!! And tired of it. Sick!!!!!!

[Lupita]

Why do not I say just NO instead of giving explanations, me friend called (old story)

I want to go to a certain beach, do you want to go?
I cant, I have a pieano rehearsal for a wedding at that time.
Why dont you do it at another time?

Instead, I wan to go to a certain beach.
I am sorry, I have a previous commitment.
What do you have to do?
I am sorry, I have a previous commitment.
Why you cant go?
I have a previous commitment.

Why do I start giving explanations??????? They dont care, they just want to satisfy their needs. My feelings dont count.

[Lupita]

I need to finish this, I have things to do, i cannot devote more time to those people.

Why am I still upset? It is too many hours!!!!!!!!!!


Who cares if he pat P in the back? He can pat her in the bot if he wants. I do not care.

Why does it hurt so much!!!!!!???????????????

[Lupita]

As Ami says, if we put our expectations in other people we are going to be hurt all the time. We can only put expectations on our selves. We can only control our selves.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
   You might be re-playing over and over again the pain and abandonment  by your mother. That is what we do with men. In relationships ,we keep marrying our mother or our father. We keep recreating the problem situation.My friend married 6 times. I saw a vivid instance of it with her. I am not sure why?It might be that until it heals,it just keeps repeating    Love  Ami

[Lupita]

Why do I care what others think? I wish I had the coldness of Steve. I wish I could say I could not care any less what you think of me.
Why do I need validation? Why cant I give me my own validation? I know I am right. I know I did the right thing. I know I do not want to be in a group for pleasure where we do not subgect to vote what is next, instead of ons person to decide.
I choose to take a brake from these people. Why do i feel bad?

I am not feeling as bad as I felt three hours ago.

[Ami]

I am thinking that maybe there is a natural emotional development just like there is a natural physical development. We learn life lessons by observing people and situations and maybe having a wise adult help us to trust ourselves. Then, we face life truths at the right age. Maybe, one huge life truth is that we are our own  emotional compass. Maybe, this makes life" work "
  I am rediscovering  life lessons , that I 'knew" intuitively   I did not have access to these lessons before. As I let the layers of pain and denial go-- the answers to how life works and my role in it seem to present themselves and become clear.
   I think that we have  lost contact with ourselves so that we can not figure out how to handle situations that other people know "intuitively.
   I think that trusting our core is the answer to whatever the question is                      Love  Ami
 
 
 

[lighter]

Why do I care what others think? I wish I had the coldness of Steve. I wish I could say I could not care any less what you think of me.
Why do I need validation? Why cant I give me my own validation? I know I am right. I know I did the right thing. I know I do not want to be in a group for pleasure where we do not subgect to vote what is next, instead of ons person to decide.
I choose to take a brake from these people. Why do i feel bad?

I am not feeling as bad as I felt three hours ago.

It reeally is a time consuming all consuming process to get through this stuff, Lupita.  

Glad that you're feeling a bit better.