Lupita.... (long rant warning stop reading at the point your eyes cross, lol)
from the very bottom of my heart......
as painful as being along is at first.....
being alone is exactly what will change your life.
You will find that you are enough.
You are strong and capable and worthy.
That your skin fits and is really quite comfy.
You'll look around and realize that you are the lucky one.
The mean people are not lucky.... and yes they suck, but that's besides the point.
They are not worthy of your company.
How lucky they were to have you working hard at involving them in your life from a position of need and fear.
They used your need and fear to KEEP YOU feeling weak and needy.... dependant on their crumbs.
Crumbs aren't good enough and now you know.
Now you'll experience your own company and take comfort in it.
It will become refuge instead of lonely panicked prison.
I have been where you are.
The mistake I made was feeling stronger and neglecting to be mindful of all the lessons I learned.
It started with compromise, then went downhill from there.
I will be more careful with myself this time.
I will approach relationships from a place of want. Not need.
I hope you learn from my lessons and commit to solid boundaries without allowing others to talk you out of defending them, as I have done.
I knew better Lupita and still I failed.
::changing gears.... getting upbeat::
Time to erect healthy boundaries, Lupita.
It'll be OK.
You're doing it for the first time.
I'm doing it for the second time.
There may be hiccups along the way but......
I hope you can honor yourself enough.....
to enforce those boundaries like a very alert mama.....
tiger guarding her cub.
Calm and capable.
She knows she can defend that cub.
She doesn't need to stand up and be loud about it.
She can flick her tail and look a challenger in the eye.....
and give them enough information for to know that they won't be poaching her cub today.
Then she's free to go back to enjoyng her life.
She doesn't experience upset the rest of day over the outragouse nerve of a flea or hyena pretending to have good intentions for her or her cub.
And isn't she the lucky one!
Strong and in control and capable and the predators KNOW this just from the way she carries herself.....
just from the look in her eye.
They know.
They go and choose someone else to test.
Ahhhhhh...... I am on a roll and I can't shut up, lol!
Sorry this is so long guys..... but it's been on my mind a lot lately.
I can't afford to have hyenas poaching me or my cubs.
My boundaries are what will keep us safe.
Lighter saying for the day..... "there is no try, only do" Is that right? The Jehdi master, Yoda said something similar, lol.
I have a particularly challenging challenge before me at this time.
I am absolutely committed to standing my ground.
No more fear guiding me.
No more worry about tomorrow.
I can't negotiate with my N.
I have no hope of his honoring any agreement he strikes.
So I won't bother (read that as spend money) to negotiate with him.
If it's war, and it is.... then take me to battle and I'll fight standing without fear of the outcome.
If I fall, then he falls too.
I won't be left lying in the dirt bloody and in debt up to my eyeballs with legal fees while he gloats and dances around all happy that he manipulated me and the system into allowing him to get away with murder.
I won't be left with a Judgement I can't collect or enforce while he's soppin up sun with various and assorted women on a beach while I struggle to raise children alone, hounded by collection agencies.
I simply reject that choice, though my attorney and family would have me choose it.
They don't understand that a reasonable offer from an N is reason for your gaurd to come up. Bring out the big guns (figurative) if they come bearing gifts or make a promise.
I don't want flowers or promises.
I don't..... ahhhh ya.... I realize I'm still ranting but it MUST COME OUT...... want to go to war either but he's counting on my gentle nature to choose the path of least resistance and (figurative) blood shed.
He's wrong this time. He's been right every other time he's pushed me over the line.
I let him push me.
Why would I stop now?
He certainly won't.
I'm the beach donkey (love that Axa) and he's the Master of the universe.
Let's see what happens when the beach donkey takes up a flame thrower and faces the master?
I don't laugh when I say that.
I'm deadly seriouse and I'm truly interested in what happens between a deadly committed beach donkey and deadly committed MOU who's never backed down..... ever.
Simply lied and manipulated, cheated and schemed his way through life without any shame.
LAUGHING about things he's done, that would break you or me with shame, had we committed the same act.
No care as to how the world really views him, though he'd be delighted if he could be viewed as the victim.
He's carefully been cultivating that image of himself and his camp certainly indulge that fantasy, though they know in their hearts that it's not true. What the hell is that, anyway? (Rhetorical)
If you've read this far I thank you for that. I don't need any comments or atta girls on this one. I just needed to put this out there into the ether and let it breath.
::Sigh::
It's gonna be OK.
btw.... Lupita..... I'd like to be in your book club; )
