I Need to let this out

[Tweety]

Dear,  Mo4, BigAlsPal and Janet,
Thank you all sooooo much for your support. Janet it is so great to hear "success" stories, I'm loving the potato peeling that's great, gush away if you would about it, I need to know that there is hope and a light at the end of this tunnel.
Love Tweety

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
  It is so precious that you and your H have each other. It is a true love story. I have heard several famous people talk about similar love stories with their spouse..
  You are so loved by the Man above that He  gave you a best  friend and a husband, It is beautiful that you have someone to take care of you. It is the way that it "should" be  ,but for many people is not.
     I love to thing of you taken care of by your Hubby                        Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

That's a joyful story, Janet, I'm so glad to hear it.

Warms my heart.

Thank you!

hugs,
Hops

[changing]

Tweety-

Ns are like vampires- they feed upon feeling, giving people. They can also be masters of disguise (but eventually must reveal their true natures). You are freeing yourself and the best is yet to come (look at Janet!). By the way , Janet's sweet love story would make a lovely movie in the hands of the right screenplay writer! Tweety, keep posting!

Hugs,

Changing

[Tweety]

Dear Changing,
Yes, Vampires. That just resinates with me so much. I always felt like I was doing all the N's feelings for them, because they had none. Explain this to me. "They are feeding on my feelings" so they don't have to feel? Also what is going NC? Do you tell them or you just do it?. I just read that web page on the characteristics of N mothers and just got blown away. Once I had children I always felt like  I had been replaced ,as far as she was concerned, which really was OK with me. I wanted my children to have a great relationship with their grandparents and I don't begrudge them anything. But lately as they have gotten older, she really seems to have relegated me to a nobody. She has caused problems between my daughter and I and I couldn't figure it out, until just now, I'm so upset and angry My daughter is my Nmothers "Golden" one that I just read about. I'm sooooo angry that she has manipulated my daughter against me at times. My daughter and I have a solid healthy relationship thank God but after reading that last night it all makes sense. I'm soooooooo angry and betrayed, how does one manipulate your own grandchild against your own child. It hurts us both( My daughter and I) . I have come to terms over the last few months about my nmother that I have distanced myself emotionally from her and not gone to her for any emotional support etc. But now after realising these manipulations of hers I don't even want to see her again. I'm feeling betrayed, she uses my own children for her benefit to hurt me by making them important and me unimportant. This is so hard for me because of course I want my children to have things from her , but now I realise she is doing it just to put me down. She has given them both (My children) money for their cars, while I am struggling with a 10 year old one, never once did she ask if I needed help. In my mind I always said my children come first, and they do to me, but now this puts a total spin on everything and she is doing this to hurt me. She actually came right out and said to me , grandchildren are more important than children... I am really starting to feel hate for her... God forgive me.
Tweety

[Certain Hope]

Dear Tweety,

NPD plays its target's feelings like a violin. Stroke this way and bask in the high notes, that way and revel in the low tones, hammer the bow on the instrument... and then smash the violin into the wall, because it didn't play right.

No Contact is something I had to just do, without talking about it. Talking about it only issues a challenge to N. He may soften his approach in an attempt to woo you back (and woe to you if his wooing works) or he may opt to lash out in an attempt to punish you  and - as you may have learned - that can be very dangerous. If he woos and that doesn't work, then punishment is sure to follow. Because of the predictability of this whole scenario, I vote for immediate no contact with no discussion.

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mother. That's also quite predictable, as I've come to learn, but it's no easier when you discover all this after the fact, because... what in the world can we do with it now?
I try to banish regrets, but... oh, if only I'd known then, what I know now.
((((((Tweety))))))) the hatred will pass and I think then it will only just seem so sad... very sad, but bearably sad... and hopefully less sad as it all fades into the distance and your life (and mine) goes on, disillusioned... yes - free of illusions - and that is freedom indeed.

As you continue talking this through and posting, so much will come together for you. I wish it wasn't so hard... but we're all here for you.

With love,
Hope

[Tweety]

Dear Hope,
Thank you. All these realizations are comming fast and furiously...wow it's so painful the betrayel...all my life I lived with this...but to be aware that she has used my own children to hurt me and make me insignificate is just toooooooo much for me now. I mentioned in anther post that I am adopted. She adopted me to cover up her shame that she couldnt have children, I was just a cover for her to "Be a mother". I was just a ......... I don't know what to her but certainly not a daughter that she loved and nutured.  She hated me when I found out the truth..... I never understood that until now, because I "outed" her, her cover ,lies secrets were exposed. Why did God put me with this women?  Hope , once you know the truth to something there is no going back. The only way out is through it , and now I really don't know what to do with all this. THat was my question about the NC... I think you misunderstood because you kept saying him ...I was refering to her. I have just been very superficial ,detached emotionaly ( with the help of therapy and AL-ANON)  with her for months now and it has been ok, but NOW That I am fully nderstanding all this, how can I have a relationship with her?   Jeeze no wounder why denial is so much better lol.... I always wanted to walk away from her and never look back , but what message is that sending my children about family and they do love her, she certainly isnt the same Grandmother that she was a mother( well in some ways she is).........what do you suggest.
Love Tweety

[Certain Hope]

Dear Hope,
Thank you. All these realizations are comming fast and furiously...wow it's so painful the betrayel...all my life I lived with this...but to be aware that she has used my own children to hurt me and make me insignificate is just toooooooo much for me now. I mentioned in anther post that I am adopted. She adopted me to cover up her shame that she couldnt have children, I was just a cover for her to "Be a mother". I was just a ......... I don't know what to her but certainly not a daughter that she loved and nutured.  She hated me when I found out the truth..... I never understood that until now, because I "outed" her, her cover ,lies secrets were exposed. Why did God put me with this women?  Hope , once you know the truth to something there is no going back. The only way out is through it , and now I really don't know what to do with all this. THat was my question about the NC... I think you misunderstood because you kept saying him ...I was refering to her. I have just been very superficial ,detached emotionaly ( with the help of therapy and AL-ANON)  with her for months now and it has been ok, but NOW That I am fully nderstanding all this, how can I have a relationship with her?   Jeeze no wounder why denial is so much better lol.... I always wanted to walk away from her and never look back , but what message is that sending my children about family and they do love her, she certainly isnt the same Grandmother that she was a mother( well in some ways she is).........what do you suggest.
Love Tweety

Dear Tweety,

I'm sorry... NPD is still so engrained in my head as a "him" because of ex... it's just habit.

I understand what you've said about your adoption... and I am sorry; I know it's so difficult... sometimes I've wished that I'd been adopted, although I have no idea what that'd be like, so please forgive my ignorance. And I've wondered whether my mother had me, 10 years after my brother, in order to cover her shame that she'd been unable to "mold" her first child to her satisfaction... to her image. He was too strong-willed and non-compliant for that.
She's not some horrible raging NPD monster, but I can certainly relate to feeling like... an accessory - an object which was intended to decorate her image of perfection... like a silk scarf or a piece of jewelry... or that ceramic rabbit she has on her deck    (That rabbit taught me alot)

You wrote: "I have just been very superficial ,detached emotionaly ( with the help of therapy and AL-ANON)  with her for months now and it has been ok, but NOW That I am fully nderstanding all this, how can I have a relationship with her?" 

I wish I knew, Tweety. Keeping it superficial and emotionally detached has been my approach since my experience with NPD-ex began to unveil all of this to me. My parents and I are geographically removed by 1,000 miles, so it's not been a pressing question... until our recent visit with them on a trip to their home state caused it to begin to press in on me  . But we've not had any major blow-ups to this point, so I have the option of leaving the whole mess at the status quo. Except there are a few things I'd like to clear up while both of my parents are still living... I think...

Anyhow, my own children have seen much of my mother's eccentricity and recognize it as such...  and maybe yours do, too... but of course they are going to appreciate Grandma's help with purchases of cars, etc.  I know that presents a dilemma for you, but I'd be cautious not to involve your kids in stuff that's water under the bridge. I'm sorry, Tweety... wish I could tell you a simple solution, but there is none. It'd be very tempting to try to "out" her totally to your children, but I think that'd do far more harm than good. What I'm noticing is that these people do mellow with age... they shrivel and dry up and become like a bit of chaff in the breeze. Honestly, I'd let her help the kids as much as she's willing and just work on building your own level of knowledge about her...ermm... "condition".  I think that in time you'll come to the conclusion that she's really a pathetic creature.

In the meanwhile, do what you need to do to process all these swirling emotions. I wrote A TON... just reams and volumes... none of which I've ever mailed or delivered. Getting it out there (and here) is amazingly liberating. How much of it - if any - you ultimately choose to get "out" to her... well, it's okay to play that by ear. One step at a time is the only way I know.

With much love,
Hope

[Tweety]

Dear Hope,
Great advice, made me laugh as well "ermm" "condition" :Lil:
I think I will keep the status quo of how I have been handling things, it's seems to be working. Everytime she has a "N" moment I will remember "ermm condition" and laugh now and know she is truly sad and just trying to manipulate. I never wanted to get my kids that involved with all the info of her, but just recently stuff came up and it was hard for my daughter to deal with it and me too, so they say knowledge is power. IM not good with my anger, so this is a big step for me to just sit with it and let it run its coarse and it will dissipate, don't have to act on it and do something ...Like walk away like I said. Just sitting with my feelings no matter what they are is a big breakthrough for me, not running around trying to fix everything. So this board is great for me to be able to express and then be herd and validated , so as not to run off half cocked and think I can change the situation. I know now I don't have that power, only God does and in his time not mine.
Love to you and blessings
Tweety