hysterical crying fit

[write]

this weekend has been one thing after another, and I ended hysterically sobbing for a couple of hours earlier.
My ex-h came round and I yelled some ( true ) stuff at him too, he ended in tears as well.
I feel miraculously calm now, but in need of reassurance somehow, that it is normal and Ok to be so upset and angry.
Makes me realise just how much I have been repressing all these years.

[rosencrantz]

Absolutely OK, write!!  Does you good!!!  

Living with someone like that, and not feeling safe, you have to keep it all in.  Now you're feeling safer, you can let it all out.  That kind of crying clears a lot of stuff inside.  And shouting like that, you're 'telling it like it is', no holds barred.  It's healthy.  And opens out the way for something better.

Hugs
R

[Wildflower]

Hi write,

I just want to give a big big YES that it's okay to cry like that.  Some of my most important discoveries have happened way deep down in the middle of a big messy, angry crying episode, and I can imagine how, in that state, you could find the courage to say things you'd never been able to say before to your ex-H.  Glad you were able to let it out of your system!

Wildflower

[write]

I think this must be a grieving phase, I have been tearful again all night. Wonder how long it lasts? and why now, when everything has been going so well?
It's taken me such a long time to sort things out and get out of this relationship, I know its the right thing, and I'm looking forward to the future, but goodness, it hurts today.

[Nic]

Hi Write,
poor thing... ..boy do I know what that feels like.  Mainly, ( and confirmed by Dr.Grossman to me..) because I was " well trained not to feel", i've always been afraid of crying. HOWEVER..Crying is a very good thing..it's natural..it's a stress reliever.  
Two weeks ago, early in the morning, i could take it no more.  The oppression from my N parents was at the highest level it's been at for years.
 As you know..i'm involved in a court battle with them over property and money (things really because they have no clue or desire to discuss the real issues).  They've basically disrupted my life no end..
I'm doing everything I can to keep level headed throughout all this.
I've found that after my Big Cry of that morning, in which everything came out..i'm much calmer.  Not without trouble but calmer about the decisions i've made and more ready to move on.

My big cry was like the end of a chapter in a book.  It was announcing the next step.  I cry only when I've had enough..it's like an overflow, a sign that something has come to an end.  I grieve it intensely..and then move on.  Kind of like Papillon, remember he could never get completely free but he kept trying 'til the end.
Like Papillon, i'm jumping off that cliff with my coconuts into the turbulent sea knowing i'm going toward something better.
It was so caring of you to tell me in an earlier post, " Good things are going to happen to you Nic, learn to believe it."  I'm returning this to you because I know that like me, you've come a long way.  We've both put alot of effort into making things better for ourselves.  
A propos crying..my new partner cries very easily.  Imagine two guys ( me 6' and dark, him 6' and blond) bawling their eyes out spontaneously  and just simply because they need to.  It's sort of like a purging effect isn't it?..I think when you can cry together it's a good sign..not that things are necessarily resolving but that messages and communications are getting through, things are being authentically felt hence the outward manifestation.
Maybe, just maybe i'll allow myself to cry more..i'm tired of it being a scary thing.  I have this mental picture ..a memory really, of my depressed, alcoholic-pill popping N mom who cried hysterically ( for real! I've seen hysterical crying time and time again..your crying spell is nothing compared to that shit!) for days on end, and my Ndad blaming my brother and me for "making her sick!"  That's when i realized she had a monopoly on crying at our house and I wasn't  allowed to cry myself.  I saw through her manipulative tears as well..and I actually hated crying.  Saw it as a sign of weakness and a constant reminder of Nmom and "home life".
Today I let it go..your post helped me realize this.  I find it refreshingly vulnerable of you to share your crying spell with me/us.  If we weren't supposed to cry then why the heck did God give us tear ducts huh?

Mind you, i've very rarely cried because I was happy...I'd like to experience that..and look forward to it quite frankly!
If I could, i'd FedEx you a box of puffy soft tissues!
BTW: do you use that tear proof masquara? and more importantly..does it really work? Just wondering..
Love Nic
P.S. Apres la pluie, le beau temps.  ( after the rain the sun shines)

[write]

Hi Nic.
That's great your relationship is working out well; yes, it's very special to feel safe to cry with someone else.

I think having feelings for someone else has blocked me grieving for my lost marriage, I'm beginning to understand I can't not grieve or I'll carry all this pain with me.

Good things will happen for both of us, I am sure!

I would love to have someone to hold me some of the time, but I also know its time I stood alone for a while and reclaimed my independence. I'm reluctant to get into a new relationship, I know I am not myself yet and will change a lot over the next year.
It's hard balancing up that need for reassurance and comfort with the recognition that I don't want to use or hurt other people, or act out around them.
That's what I've seen friends do after a traumatic relationship breakup, and it seems a bad idea all round.

I'm new to all this relationship stuff too, I've been married for 20+ years.
( just read that back and there's an irony in that sentence! )

Have a great day everyone.

[write]

ps never use mascara, but if I did I'd definitely use waterproof after this weekend!

[Dawning]

I cried too tonight.  All this stuff about me moving and feeling isolated.  There is a part of me that needs to come up.  The crying is part of the voice.  I can't tell what would work and past memories and recent parent parental Nism feel so in the way.  Tonight, my friend and soul sex partner - told me to look at the painting he was drawing:  He said, "there was never anything on that space and I put something on it in a moments time and it was still nothing."  Very Asian.  But, all the years I have spent here, I understood that it made sense.  Anyway, it was raining those delicate little drops tonight and it is warm, no wind, and I rode my bike home with the rain mixing into my tears and then I turned on my computer and read this thread.  

I hope I can be a part of this group.  I hope I can get to the level where I can write it down right.  

Love,
Dawning.

[write]

"there was never anything on that space and I put something on it in a moments time and it was still nothing." Very Asian. But, all the years I have spent here, I understood that it made sense. Anyway, it was raining those delicate little drops tonight and it is warm, no wind, and I rode my bike home with the rain mixing into my tears and then I turned on my computer and read this thread.

I hope I can be a part of this group. I hope I can get to the level where I can write it down right.

your writing evokes perfectly where you are and where you are at.
I'm glad you are here.

[Dawning]

your writing evokes perfectly where you are and where you are at.
I'm glad you are here.

Thank you.  

[Nic]

I second that Dawning!
I'm just now becoming acquainted with you..your tenderness comes through in your writing style..I like your being here.
Love back,
Nic