Dear Mof4,
Most of my education in matters of the heart has taken place in my current 3-year marriage to my husband.
[ Imagine what he's had to deal with
]
Anyhow, he's one of two individuals (the other being a dear lady friend) who've not allowed feeling intimidated by me to prevent them from continuing to reach out. Now, as someone who's always felt herself the very farthest removed from being "intimidating", I'm only just beginning to overcome the shock of this realization.
Without writing a book at this point, I must say that it's come to my attention that - people KNOW
when we expect so much from ourselves (and correspondingly, from them). For me, it's been so tangled up with perfectionism, judgmentalism, etc. ad nauseum
(the very active, vocal presence of my mother in my head) that I needed to hear a basic fact of life (or a dozen +) stated in the very simplest terms possible.
This happened for me in the course of complaining to a dear friend about my husband's immaturities. Of course, I acknowledged to her that I'm aware of my own immaturities (which she hardly needed me to point out to her - lol) and I expressed to her the fact that I understand where my husband is coming from with these things, because I've been there, but - oh, how I longed for an adult partner.
Well, she listened carefully and then lovingly said, in the very gentlest tone, perhaps if he felt safe to discuss these things with you, you two would be able to get to the bottom of it.
It was then that I realized... I had only come as far as I had in this process because my husband had allowed me to pour out my own failings and hurts and doubts without attaching any judgment or demand for reciprocation. He doesn't expect perfection... from himself or from me. Sometimes I think he's too lax on his requirements for himself... but then I tell that mother in my head to hush.
Okay, I see how far afield I've gone, but there was a point when I began... about love...
I think that people are repelled by the need (desperation?) they sense at first contact... when we expect too much from ourselves and from them. No matter how contented they may appear on the surface, I believe that everyone struggles... or gives up the struggle... because relationships are just plain work!
On the other hand (and this is only my opinion) - I think that many people simply do not want to engage at deeper levels, and so they are frightened by those who long for more than the most shallow of relationships. So, in many ways, the difficulties are just as much about "them" as it is about "us". In my life, I have not found many folks who are sincerely empathic and interested in travelling to greater depths in relationship. Of course, I recognize that someone would have had to practice the patience of a saint to get that far with the likes of me
but... I think it's rare nonetheless.
Mof4, you seem exceptionally loveable to me. Honest, sincere, genuine, motivated, brimming over with so much to share...
Is it possible that the real challenge may be in learning to receive the love which others are able to give... recognizing that for some it may be drop by drop and not in buckets-full?
Hugs to you.
Love,
Hope
P.S. to Changing... that was beautiful and true to me! Thank you!
