Hello
I cannot unwrap myself from the confused feelings I have about my mother. I need some help. Right now I just want to tell you the things my mother has said to me that have hurt me but I cannot tell her that because she would say I am dramatic and a liar. That I am sick and I make things up because I like the sound of my own voice.
My mother has said: I am the only friend you will ever have. I am sorry I ever had you. You are an embarrassment. A dissapointment. I have done all I can do for you.
When I came home from school and cried because children had made fun of me because I was fat she said: If you cared you would do something about it. My mother was embarrassed of me because I was a fat child. She put me on diets. She told me that if I got any bigger she would have to go to Omar the tent maker for my clothes.
My mother never gave me comfort when I was upset or in pain. Either emotional or physical I was exaggerating or I needed to stop my whining and crying. It was my own fault.
She pulled my hair. Slapped my face. If you held up your hands in defense she got more angry and told you to put your arms down. Sometimes you would flinch when you thought she was going to hit you and if she wasn't she got mad that you flinched and would say: you act like I beat you.
I was pathetic. Lazy. Messy. Dirty. Once my mother took me into the bathroom and began to scrub my neck with a wash cloth and soap-angry that I had a dirty neck and could not clean myself, as she felt was properly...she scrubbed and scrubbed while I cried and cried-till she even had to admit it was a discoloration of my skin-it was just a part of me. She did not say sorry.
I was 12 or so when I got my period-I was sitting cross legged under a tree at my grandmothers, when my mother came over to me, angry, and dragged me inside to the bathroom where she pulled my shorts and underware down, pointed to the blood and asked me if I was a pig. Because only pigs were filthy enough to not take care of their hygiene. I have complained of severe cramping and bleeding since I was a preteen and my mother said it was all in my head, that I was a complainer and a hypochondriac. She never took me to a gynecologist went to my first one only when I was in my late 20's and it was because I had a pelvic infection. I am so ashamed of my body it took unbearable pain to make me see a doctor.
When my mother was being nice she would get you to tell her things and then later she would use them against you. Taunt you with them. Laugh at you about what you had shared. My mother never held me when I cried, never brushed or stroked my hair. She kept my hair cut boy short, said that with long hair I had no neck.
My mother says that all this stuff I say happened is my sick imagination. That my childhood is irrelevant. That I am a trouble maker, not to be trusted. I am crazy. I am a bad seed.
I am not a beloved daughter. I am a bad daughter.
In 36 years there has never been anyone or anything to break the spell my mother has over me...I will never be good enough. I will never be right or whole because there is no proof that my mother ever did anything wrong except what I say happened and you can't trust me because I make things up. A professional cannot give me advice because my mother says they are all quacks and besides she has found professionals that back up all that she says about me. I cannot listen to any person who agrees with me because they are just a nut or spoiled brat that also does not appreciate all that your parents have done for you.
My mother told me that everything she does is because she loves me. My mother loves me and has always loved me but I am so bad-that I cannot feel that love.
Your Nmother sounds EXACTLY like my Nmother! And I cannot really give them the title of "mother" because they are both simply "womb-donors". Real mothers wouldn't treat us both as if we are inanimate property to be beaten on and abused at their whims. If anyone is a "bad seed", SHE is just like my Nmother is also. The kind of crap she is attempting to shove down your throat is the same time of crap I've heard abusive men attempt to shove down the throats of their wives and girlfriends. Her type of thinking can be called "Criminal Thinking Error" in terms of Cognitive Behavioral Theory. If I may be allowed to share something I learned yesterday at a job-related training...
Here's a list of some of the things that criminal thinkers do and I recognize these behaviors in my own Nmother:
"The Power Grab"
The criminal thinker uses the "Power Grab"
to control other people and events around her/him
to put herself/himself above others by putting them down
think they can do nothing wrong
uses anger to control others
uses manipulation and deceit to gain power over others
uses intimidation to make others feel afraid by using looks, actions and gestures
uses emotional abuse to "put down" others by making them feel bad about themselves, CALLING NAMES, PLAYING MIND GAMES, HUMILIATING OTHERS, AND MAKING OTHERS FEEL GUILTY.
Criminal thinkers act as if other people are property. With relationships, she/he owns the other person and uses/abuses them as she/he sees fit. The criminal thinker sees relationships as a "one way street" and their thought processes say: "I OWN THEM AND THEY WILL DO WHATEVER I WISH TO MAKE ME HAPPY!" This type of criminal thinker shows little genuine concern for others feelings and needs. (I can go on as there is a LOT that I recognize in my own Nmother! Does anyone else recognize what I described above?)
My Nmother's insanity is most likely the reason I'm in the process of becoming an Addiction Psychologist. It was the only way I could make ANY kind of sense out of her INSANE behavior. The type of thinking and behavior that both your Nmother and my Nmother exhibit is INSANE...it is neither rational nor logical...even though they attempt, in their own minds to rationalize their ABUSE. What they did to us as kids, and continue to do, is still ABUSE! If I may be crude enough to say this...no matter how much they attempt to dress up their SHIT, it is still SHIT and it STINKS!
Just my two cents worth.
Bones
