Need help... N roomie is difficult

[Certain Hope]

Oh, my, Lise...

After reading all of this, I think Bean is absolutely correct: a simple "it's not working out", along with a very firm deadline by which she must vacate the premises... sounds like the wisest option to me.

Any attempt at explanation will likely begin another round of badgering, tears, manipulation, etc.... and the bottom line to me is - you deserve to have someone you trust living in your home, not a person who thinks nothing of lying at every opportunity.
It is, after all, your home... your place of solace and security and comfort.

With love,
Carolyn

Thank you Carolyn for your supportive words, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been a pushover and doormat for so much of my life - I am and have been easy target for the bullies. So your encouragement hits home with me. I tell myself that she will label me the bully or mean one if I try to be firm and tell her to leave, which I have already done. So now I am just dealing with the feelings and your words made a difference.

Thank you so much for your post.

Lise

Dear Lise,

You're very welcome. I am an expert at being a pushover/doormat, from days gone by. Even still, I have to force myself to take a good long pause before agreeing to something... giving myself time to consider all the ramifications. My natural inclination is to just go with the flow.

Posting here on this board, with plenty of time to think and consider before just nodding and smiling... well, that's been great practice for thinking more independently and not just following blindly along with whatever the - ahem - stronger personalities or more vocal ones suggest.

Anyhow, I haven't read all of the other responses beyond this, but I do hope you'll continue to post about this process you're going through in dealing with this renter... and what you decide to do in the end. However it works out, one thing's for sure... none of this is a waste. Takes time and practice to break out of these old ruts!

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

Hi Bella,

No, I do not need people to agree with me always and the support does not always have to be what I want to hear. As a matter of fact most of my growth and genuine healing has come in the form of someone telling me something that I do not want to hear. I take criticism well, when it is truthful and fits. You know that saying "the truth hurts." Yes it does...I have had to hear the truth about me many times.

I'm in 12 step recovery, have been since I was 17, I'm 39 now. In AA, we, or some of us, practice rigorous honesty and that means looking at ourselves, fearlessly and trying to see what is wrong with us, not others. I have done many fourth steps and fifth steps over the years. I have confessed my faults with others repeatedly and worked on myself, hard, otherwise I do not stay sober. I learned many years ago that hanging on to resentment, fear and guilt are the emotions that cause alcoholics, of my type, to drink again.

When I started having problems with this roommate the first thing I did was question myself and look to see where I was being selfish and inconsiderate to her, if I was. I have lived with people for so long that my thinking is "other oriented" and this particular roomer is selfish oriented.

So when your comments came in here they did not ring right or true for me. I expressed my disagreement but I in no way tried to quiet you or make you feel wrong for expressing yourself against me...no I said thank you but my FEELINGS are telling me otherwise.


Please ask others here, many times people will tell me stuff that is adverse to what I am seeking and I will take it and look at it and see if what they are saying has truth to it.

After many years of hearing the painful truth I know what it feels like to hear it...I have a truth or "ouch, I have just heard the truth" button that goes off. I may need some time to process it but I will eventually face it and grow.

The pain is not from your disagreement it is from trying to tell me that I am a controller or that I am the wrong in the situation with the roomie. Yet in my heart I know I am not wrong or bad. The pain is from all the times when I was a little girl and I would come home from school and tell my mom that a bully was being mean to me and my my N mom would tell me that it was my fault.

That is what the pain is...

Thanks for writing Bella and I appreciate your comments.

Lise

[Gabben]

Takes time and practice to break out of these old ruts!

That is exactly what I needed to hear... my patterns do not change overnight... it takes practice.

Thanks for taking the time to write this Carolyn. What a blessing to my ears this was.

Love to you,
Lise

[Bella_French]

The pain is not from your disagreement it is from trying to tell me that I am a controller or that I am the wrong in the situation with the roomie. Yet in my heart I know I am not wrong or bad. The pain is from all the times when I was a little girl and I would come home from school and tell my mom that a bully was being mean to me and my my N mom would tell me that it was my fault.

That is what the pain is...

Thanks so much for explaining it to me. I am really so sorry, Gabben. I can totally see why my words hurt you. I really went off on a tangent there, and you're right, it didn't relate to what you were saying, which is that you feel bullied by an N and you could use some support. I wasn't hearing you.

Please believe me, I did not intend that, and I feel terrible to have mirrored a sentiment that your mother used when you were a child. I can imagine the pain of being so alone in the face of bullying, only to feel more alone when your mother accused you of deserving it. The nerve of her!

Sorry Gabben, and thanks for pursuing this conversation with me.

X bella

[Ami]

Wow---Lise and Bella--what a picture of graciousness. If kindness and love rule,it is amazing what can happen. I learned a few lessons,myself(lol)             Love   Ami

[Gabben]

I feel terrible to have mirrored a sentiment that your mother used when you were a child. I can imagine the pain of being so alone in the face of bullying, only to feel more alone when your mother accused you of deserving it. The nerve of her!

Sorry Gabben, and thanks for pursuing this conversation with me.

X bella

I do not want you to feel terrible....your e-mail above shows me and tells me a lot about what a good person you are and now I see that you were just trying to point something out to try to help me and the situation. I know that you did not mean direct harm.

The good news is that my pain is NOT your fault and I can heal it when I am feeling it. Triggers are OK and can be a healing tool. They can teach me about myself.

I wonder if you perhaps felt triggered by my rules? Perhaps that brought something up for you? Even if we still disagree I would like to hear your views.

(((Bella)))

Lise

[Bella_French]

Gabben, I didn't realise it at the time, but Yes it did trigger me, you are right!. Because I was triggered, I did not hear you; I was thinking of another scenario completely!!
The scenario  relates to my sister and thel abuse towards her children. Its a  subject dear to my heart, and i was projecting. What a dummy!! I might start a thread about it rather than going off topic on yours.

But well spotted! I am so glad you understand about triggers, Gabben

X Bella

[Ami]

What an AMAZING interaction between you!                    Ami

[Gabben]

UPDATE:


Roommate just sent an email saying that she will move on the 1st, whatever I need.

Wow...I feel so much better, like huge weight has been lifted. I had no idea how much Jess frightens me.

Critical, hostile and cold people are just scary...now I know why I have been losing sleep.

I am so relived that she is going to be moving....yeehaw!

I'll pray that she finds a really good place and that she grows from this experience.

Lise

[Hopalong]

Wow, Bella.
Wow, Lise.
Wow, Carolyn.

KUDOS!
 

Hops

[Gabben]

Gabben, I didn't realise it at the time, but Yes it did trigger me, you are right!. Because I was triggered, I did not hear you; I was thinking of another scenario completely!!
The scenario  relates to my sister and thel abuse towards her children. Its a  subject dear to my heart, and i was projecting. What a dummy!! I might start a thread about it rather than going off topic on yours.

But well spotted! I am so glad you understand about triggers, Gabben

X Bella

Hi Bella,

Do you feel like writing or talking about your triggor or the situation with your sister? I am all ears, if you need...

Lise

[Bella_French]

Dear Gabben,

I would like and appreciate sharing that with you- thanks for the offer. I have a  bit of work to do at the moment (its working hours here in OZ) but i'll have a go later on if theres time.

Thanks so much for the offer!!!
X bella

[Ami]

If we ever need to see how the board can work at it's BEST---here it is !                      Love    Ami



((((((((Bella, Lise, Carolyn, )))))))

[alone48]

Bella,

I understand what you are saying, but in actuality the landlord does have control. It would be the same if you rented and were told no pets, you accepted those terms and you abide by it. Whether or not I/we agree with Lise, it seems that it was a clear issue that was discussed before renting therefore I would think roomie needs to accept it or move on. There are others that would not impose that restriction and maybe roomie would be more comfortable. Ultimately, if Lise is the principal rentor and has the say so there is no reason she should have to accept this IMO.

Lise, I myself am Catholic  and understand what you are saying. Even if you accept other people's belief it is hard to go against what was ingrained in you from an early age. I remember when I went to other churches, believing the roof would fall in on me, I have opened to other churches but it's hard to let old habits/beliefs die.