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What would happen if we didn't fight them?

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Prosperity and Rob

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT advice.  thank you.  I will use these tactics immediately.  Thank you.

rosencrantz:
I remember now (very small voice) what happens when we (I) stop fighting them.  They punish us.

In recent years my frail and elderly mother has started to say 'We don't want anything (eg financial or practical help) from you - all we want is to know that you love us'.  And I've not been able to give any reply other than silence.  Proof to her that I can't give it, that there is none.  How hurtful of me.

But after my father died, on two occasions, I tried to open my defences and offer her my heart (can't think of a better way to put it in the circumstances).  

Like a venomous snake, a cobra, mesmerised for decades, waiting to strike, suddenly finding a home, she dived for the kill.

I was amazed at how spiteful she was (I had forgotten she could be spiteful).  She was totally unable to receive or hear the compassion, the desire to help and support, the sorrow, the plea to redress the situation, the offer to meet on equal terms...

I thought it was revenge for decades of hurt.  I thought I deserved it.  I was prepared to open myself up for more.  Dear God.

I was sincere, I exposed myself, and she hated me for it.

And I completely fell off my perch.

( :wink: gotta laugh)

But the painfully sad thing is that it means that there is nothing I can offer her.  If I offer her indifference, it hurts her; if I offer her love, it hurts her, too. But, you know, I think she feels safer with indifference (which she probably translates as hate and probably feels she deserves) otherwise she risks further rejection. (I feel a bit confused just here because I think that last sentence sounds as tho I'm talking about me - but I think I'm talking about her.  This always confuses me.  Are we really clones???)

If I offer her my 'self', I offer her someone who is vulnerable and imperfect, someone who has searched for answers and found a few (but only by being imperfect, exposing myself and making myself vulnerable).  (Look mum, it's possible to be you, it's possible to be me - we have particular vulnerabilities, a few peculiarities, but we can still be OK in the world, we can start by knowing how hard it is, I know how hard it is for you, I experience your pain, I really do know how much you hurt...)

But because she sees herself as 'me' (no boundaries, I am her, she is me), then what I'm offering her is something too far below the vision of grandiose superiority to which she aspires.  And it would be an insult to suggest that I could possibly know or experience her pain.  She can't possibly be 'ordinary', have anything in common with the common man...she simply can't join me in health and, tempted tho I find myself, I cannot and will not follow her into this folie a deux...

Why do I find myself tempted?  

I feel mesmerised, hypnotised...

But (thinks)...

the men in my life save me

and (struggle)...

whilst she may be the piper...

(more vigorous struggle)

I...

(victoriously bursting free)...

play the tune!!!

:wink:    :twisted:  (healthy fanfare?)    :?

PS My mother ain't so frail, you know - not in mind or in body.  When she forgets, I noticed that she walks without her stick and I've mentioned her 'slasher brain' before!!!

R

rosencrantz:
I had another note from my mother today.  

I saw the envelope and felt...normal!

I read the note and felt...normal!

I wrote back and felt...normal!

I can't believe that I feel...normal!

That's not to say that I could survive a telephone conversation - yet!!!!!

Although I can envisage one now...

I almost can't believe that the inner chaos and pain of the last few months ever existed - although some of the pain was so great I'm not sure the reverberation from it will ever leave me.

I can't believe that my mother ever had such a powerful and negative effect on me - that our relationship could drive me so close to suicide or mental breakdown (and perhaps me, her).

Thank you for the friendship I have experienced on this forum.  Without you, I could not have survived.

I marvel at the concept of daily (hourly!) therapy - group therapy on tap with time to think and time to express the truth and time to lick our wounds and time to experience the support and truth of others.

There is so much hidden pain in our world.  But every time someone comes onto this forum, a load is lightened.  RG - thank you for the opportunity.

I look around me in wonderment and feel a need to say good-bye.

Perhaps just to ensure that I don't get addicted, (co)-dependent.

Perhaps just a metaphorical good-bye.  I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow!!!

Farewell - to the past! Hail to - a new era...8)

R

Alan:
I tripped out today.  I was supposed to go to the house and pickup the last of my things.  First time in 2 months I laid in bed all day.

She e-mailed me concerning divorce issues, including payment of the mortgage.  She said she has it handled.  After prying as to how it will be paid (we were both laid off on the same day), she said that I'm not living there anymore.  And her Nkid was dissing me away from the phone.

She also said she was having a telephone interview and that she's excited and expected to get the job. Grandiosity.  And she might get it.  My garbage says that her "power" will influence the decision.

She wants to keep the house.  My s*** got in the way, all I really need to have her keep the house I helped keep afloat, living the good life she wants (she just wants to be happy and I didn't make her happy after a while) while I had to move back home and no job, no apparent future.

But all her responses to me have been cold, cold, cold.

I thank the Universe for this board.  I feel better already, that's why I post alot.

I can't give an N what they want.  It is dishonest for me to placate someone on that level.  I'm pushing her buttons to be sure she doesn't call me in the future.  I want to and will move on....we all will

darkturr:
Thank you for this place.  This is my first post.  All of this made sense, and I have been wondering how to deal with a N friend whom I no longer want in my life-for reasons obvious to -not so to him!

It never ceases to amaze me how much time they will put into something as futile as a petty arguement, and how little time the will put into - working for a living :?

I wondered if anyone had advice on how to extract myself from this situation with my sanity intact.  This person is very persistent and will keep me going on an argurment for weeks if necessary, D & D me then come back as if nothing has happened.

Dark

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