Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What would happen if we didn't fight them?
mary:
When I talk about seperating myself from my mother in law that is a whole world of difference than seperating ones self from a parent. I do feel for you guys that do that. My N husband is another story. I am trying to figure out how to stay here and make a life with him and find myself at the same time. There are so many things I used to do and slowly I quit doing everything almost. My energy just went to keep my family running and try to keep things as good and as smooth as possible. N people take so much from you and they don't seem to care if what they get is positive or negative just as long as the focus is on them all the time.
One thing that has been really good is finding out about N people and making sense out of what never made any sense!
Tinkergirl:
Dear R and all the posters...
I think, in all its simplicity, is that you are fighting for your own truth. For your own life. For your own feelings, emotions, and everything else that goes with being alive. For twenty years I too played the rollercoaster and empathized with my pitiful, pained mother...even through her abuse as a child I supported her because "she had a rough life". But the point is not to live in the past, to see your N as the sick individual that they are, and be the adult and take charge in your own life. To not allow yourself to be abused by anyone anymore, especially your parents.
I'll admit I feel there are days where I think it would be easier to just casually, or silently dissolve out of the family equation, but then I remind myself of the twenty years of hurtful self-abuse via anger, confusion, hatred, resentment that spilled into every other relationship in my life (especially my inner dialogue). For me, I fight to maintain my focus and truth...that my mother is "not well", that she will not get help, and I will never be able to help her. But I can help myself...that is what I am fighting for; that is why I risk everything to tell the truth. Your silence will not protect you...it only protects the quilty. If you don't fight for yourself, nobody will.
CC:
Your post has been one to cause me reflection, if nothing else. I can't answer that. I have no idea what I am fighting for, if not my own instinct to be compassionate and maintain some sort of sanity, as someone else put it. We strive for the closest thing to "normalcy" as we can.
It is interesting that I read your post on the morning I was feeling exhausted, emotionally. I woke up at 3 am , thinking about my mother. I have dreams almost every week where I am struggling with her, and expressing my rage - probably because I am unable to express it to her directly and I have contact with her regularly.
This latest one was poignent. I went off the pill last month because I am finally getting comfortable with the idea of having children (that's another story for another day, some of you remember my earlier posts about struggling with that decision.) Anyway, in this dream I was at full term, about to give birth - and I suddenly wanted very much for my mother to share in the birth experience with me. So my husband drove me over to pick her up, and to my horror when I went in the house, all excited for her to come with me to the hospital, she was lying in her den, incoherently drunk, with vomit all over her face and around her (sorry for the graphics). I was devastated, but more furious than anything else. I began to scream at her, how could she do this, how pathetic it was that she was going to miss a beautiful experience because of her weakness, etc. etc. and she was doing the typical tactic - taking away from my big moment by making it all about her.
My mother is a recovering alchoholic so this dream was particularly realistic - though I am glad to say I have never had to find her in that condition. As I awoke from this vivid dream (nightmare) my rage was replaced with sadness, pity, and SHAME, for her, because I saw her vulnerability, her childlike need for love.
But back to your question, about why we fight. I awoke from this feeling so resentful, that it seems beyond my control (no matter how healthy I am) that my mother is the last thing I think of before I sleep, and the first thing I think of when I awake. The bitter realization - this will not stop until she has passed, because she is involved in my life. So R, on this particular day - I ponder - what would be the worst thing that could happen if I moved away, and never looked back?
I think the guilt would consume me. I think that I might be okay for a while, until she died, and then I would be forever tortured of "what I should have done" instead. Are these good reasons to stick around and try to "fight"? probably not. Who really knows? maybe to learn something from them? An excellent question you pose, indeed.
I really identified with what you said about protecting yourself from harmful projections. We have to fight, merely for survival, and for SELF. If we did not fight, would we not be turned into nothing? Would it be like staying in a relationship where a man is beating us repeatedly until we die? Surely that is not our purpose here on this earth. I am me, and not what mother wants me to be. You are you, and not anyone else. This is surely why, isn't it?
I wonder too, what would happen if I just "let go", just let her have her way, stopped fighting, and agreed with everything. It does seem like it would be easier sometimes. I know I would not have a husband, though, because she would monopolize all my time. And don't forget, no man is ever good enough anyway. All you need is THEM, the narcissist. But that almost answers the question too - we would lose our own passion, our own love, and the beauty we have been able to discover on our own (hopefully you've had some of that) - if we did not fight.
Such a good question. I will be thinking about this for days.
Prosperity:
I don't think giving up has to mean giving in. For me, giving up meant accepting the reality that I was not going to be able to change my husband or his family, or prove anything to any of them. It helps my sanity to not take anything personally (read "The Four Agreements", Don Miguel Ruiz--very helpful book)
When I sense a disagreement coming on, I no longer resist verbally. That doesn't mean I change my views or start feeling "wrong" about my opinions or the way i do something, or stupid or any such thing. It just means I am not going to argue with them. Experts say, Do not outwardly disagree with anything a narcissist says. This advice is helpful. It doesn't mean allow them to dictate your behavior. It means, nod and smile and agree, then do things however you would normally do them. I believe it was actually my MIL who gave me that advice about dealing with her son, ironically!
It's called "active ignoral." Although you are aware of the behavior, you don't react to it. The non-reaction, decreases the vibration and velocity of that negative energy, thereby reducing or preventing the escalation of the situation. You come out of it feeling MUCH less discombobulated if you take the path of non-resistance. Have a firm, solid opinion of the situation rooted in your thinking, and just listen to the narcissist and show that you have heard what they said, but don't agree or disagree with it. One of the major fuels for their fire is your ANGER, your REACTION to them. It satisfies their NEED for ATTENTION (N-supply). It gives them a "fix" to be responsible for your upset. (IMHO)
Non-Resistance. Awareness of your own inner Truth. Let the person be WHO and WHAT they are without trying to change them, or change yourself. Acceptance. And then deciding how you want your life to be, and in what fashion you can go about accomplishing it.
This mode of thought is helping me.
Love,
Prosperity
Prosperity:
Rob, i admire your perspective, and your spunk! My experience with my N has been that I could feel a great sense of accomplishment after finally getting my h to empathize with my point of view after arguing for hours, only to wake up the next morning and find him right back to square one. It just got too frustrating to fight anymore. I just do whatever the he** I want and he throws a fit about it and I don't react.
Case in point. Our $800 tax refund came a few weeks ago ( for the increase in child tax credit that George W. issued) and I KNEW he would spend it on a bunch of malarkey. So when it came in the mail I confiscated it and used it to pay a large hospital bill that had been hanging over our heads for over a year. When he brought up the tax check later, like why didn't it ever come, I informed him of my "executive decision". He whined about how he wanted to buy a new computer, an outdoor grill, and a tool belt with that money. Oh, well, too bad. Not much he could do at that point!! He got mad but I just sat there and read my book while he ranted, then finally he admitted it was probably a good decision to use the tax check for that purpose. See, proactive, not reactive.
Love,
Prosperity
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