My brother is a bully

[Lupita]

I told my brother that his daughter was not obeying me and he sent an e mail saying to her, sweety you have all my support. I am the one having the teenager in my house using headphones when I am explaining her the rules. And what does he do? Tell her that she has all his support. Not only that but she knows I am afraid of him. I hate him now, ot really but I feel very lonely disgusted and upset. I cant believe he is an N and I start to believe that he is an N.
My mother, you know who is my momter.
I know I need to detach from my mother, I have not talked to my sister in ten years. Now I have to do it wiht my borther and mother, if not total NC at least psicholigical NC. Not to care about them. I do not care, it does not hurt. I am the escape goat. She chose me I am the escape goat. And my brother and sister.
I told my brother I am sleeping on the floor, I am spending more than I should because of his wife and daughter here, that I am suffering, and he did not care. He wrote, sweety you ahve all my support, for his girls, and for me he thinks he is doing me a favor by sending his wife an daughter here fr a visit of 12 days.
The strange thing is that I enjoy having my sister inlow here. I kind of get along with her, I like her. That is very confusing. I drink beer with her, say jokes, and we went dancing last night. My son enjoys also the cousin and aunt. Why am I upsent then? Why do I feel disgusted? Why?????????  Please, help me understand my self.

[Gaining Strength]

You feel disgusted because your brother has undermined you.  It is a form of  betrayal. 

Why are you asking him to help with your niece rather than your sister in law who is right there?  Why isn't she supporting you?

I am sorry that you are having this horrible experience.  It is so common when dealing with N family members.  I know how painful that can be. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Lupita]

Because the child is having problems getting friends, and I told him that he is making huge mistakes with her. Then he asked me why then I said she was not following my instructions, then he sent the e amil sending support to her. The mother, my sister in low, I dont know, she makes me feel comfortable, but my mother says that she is the mother of hypocresy and that she is going to go back home saying bad things about me no matter how much I did for her.
So, I told her, and the child immediately came and gave me a hug, but I know it was an order from her mother. The child is a robot. She does not have a brain of her own. My son never did that. My son always had his own opinion and is capable to get along with people that I dislike.

[Lupita]

CB, you sound so true!!!!!!! I hate to say that you sound totally right. The good thing is that they will leave in one week. This is a learning experience. As soon as they leave I will be back to work on boundaries. Since I do not find my boundaires until they have been trespassed. Now, I know what I will do ofr next year. This board has been so helpful. Thank you CB. I will work on that this year. This is my goal. I will work on a 52 week plan. How to find out what my boundaries are. How to enforce them. I give my self a year. Like eating an elephant. Little by little.
Today, they went to the mall with my son. I will pick them up at 8:00 PM. So I will enjoy my apartment all to my slef, study for my exam, and watch my favorite tv program.
At night we will go to the swimming pool and have a beer that she is going to buy.
That sounds like a good plan. She is a good person to have fun. I hope that my mother is not right. I hope that I do not hear later that she is talking about me.

[Lupita]

I dont know if you remember when I had surgery, I was coming out of the OR and had great pain. She wook me up a,d I started complaining of pain, I fell asleep and she wook me up again. That happened about five times. Then I said, I have so much pain, I need to sleep, then she said that she needed somebody to talk to. I wrote that to my brother and he said that I should enjoy my mother doing such a huge effort going to visit me ofr my surgery. He did the same with his wife, he said that she was doing a huge effort to go visit me. I do not want to hate my brother but I really dislike him. He likes to call me at midnight. Now I will not take calls from him that are not an approrpiate time. I am a teacher, soon classes will start and I have to get up early. I cannot take late calls. That is the first boundary that I will enforce with him. I will think of more, later, after they are gone. Confusing is that I enjoy having them here.

[Lupita]

One time, I was talking to my brother about my son. My son only has me, he has me and I have  him. No more. So I was aking my brother about my son, and he said: "Your son walks. Mine does not"
It seems like he balmes me ofr his son cerebral palsy. That is crazy.

[Lupita]

CB!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is true. I always do that. Always afraid to stand up for my slef. Having a secret hope that somebody else will do it. Oh God!!!!

[Lupita]

GS, my mother, my brother and my sister have a team. I do not belong to the team. They have secrets. They do not include me. My brother thinks he is a better son and that is why my mother loves him more. He really thinks I am a bad person. Why does he send his family over to my house if he thinks I am a bad person? I would not send my son over to a home where I think the owner is a bad person.

[reallyME]

Lupita,

Two things:  You said you told your brother that his daughter did not do what you said.  Did you mean you were trying to give her advice to obtain friends?  Sometimes, if a person has an N or even a BPD daughter, that child will run back to "daddy dearest" and smear you.

Also, you said: The strange thing is that I enjoy having my sister inlow here. I kind of get along with her, I like her

.

My thought on this one...most likely, since your brother seems to be an N, chances are high, that your sister-in-law has some Borderline or Codependent or Dependent traits.  From personal experience, it can be VERY enjoyable being friends with a borderline person.  They have learned to always put the other person first and ignore their own needs somewhat, at times.  They can be very fun, because they are highly emotional, to a point that it's a guessing game to figure out which mood they will be in next.  They like having friends, fear being rejected or abandoned, so they make pretty committed companions of whomever they happen to be with at the time.

You haven't said much about your sister in law, and I'd like to hear if i'm correct how I'm describing what I think she is like, or if I'm out to lunch on this.

~Laura

[Lupita]

Hi Laura, Thank you ofr responding to my post. I had not thought about what kind is my sister in low. Like you said, she flip flops, she goes with the wind, I cannot fegure her out. I wish to think that she likes me and that I am the only person, in her husband's family, that she can talk to or visit, or get along with. Or, if I go in the negative side, she has a non refundable ticket that she was saving for five years to buy, now she is sotcked in my house and she wants to get the best out of it. But yesterday, when we were dancing, I really thought she was having fun. Also, she was amazed and astonished when I took her to the mall, we have a beautiful mall here, the highway, the roads, the huge bridges, she has to be happy to have the opportunity to have somebody to drive her around in this wonerful country. So, at this moment I think, that she is honestly having a good time with me. And my son is taking them out too, and my son is very charming and..... I do not know. I want to think that they like me.
About the little girl, I asked her to check for a bag in the car, she did not, I asked her not to put glass of liquid on my center table, she still did, I asked her not to leave any place wehre we were unless she let us know she was going to another store, she still did leave to take pictures of the outside, when suddenly I started looking for her and I did not find her. I asked her if she liked the places we visited and she first looked at her mother and then she answered me "yes". They said they would do exercise with me in the gym and after I got the passes for them they refused to do it. They went to the belly dancing class after I told them about how good is exerceise for them, and finally they accepted to go to my zumba class.
I do not know what to think, but I would like to think that they like me. I wish the liekd me.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
   There is so much in your posts that is classic of a D of an N mother.It hurts me so much to see this.
.Your posts are causing me to come out of more denial.
    One thing that I can see in them is "original sin".Everyone has the potential to be a HUGE A##.However, I guess the difference is that some people let themselves and some try not to.I guess that we all have the potential, though..
    I am so sorry that you are suffering. None of it was or is your fault.,Lupita. You were programmed and brainwashed to feel like you had no value., You are replaying the pattern-- over and over. The needle on the "record" is stuck on'"worthless,worthless, worthless". 
    It is pitiful that your mother did this to you.
    The saving grace is that you are starting to see the origin of your poor thinking about your self. This is the first step.                                        Love    Ami

[lighter]

Hey Lupita.

Hard day, huh?

Sorry and remember that one day you'll have your boundaries clear and defended. 

Lots of pain in between there and here but...... it's on the way and you understand what has to happen. 

Getting comfortable with it, is another matter.

Glad you can enjoy this visit with SIL.  You already decided Niece won't be staying with you later on.... so just do what you can about taking care of yourself and try to get as much good out of this as you can. 

Don't let your brother get to you.  He's blaming, manipulative, unfair and living in denial himself.  He's not doing his child any favors by allowing her to be disrespectful to someone who could extend their hand in help, if she was a better guest, KWIM?

Take care of Lupita.  Take care of your son.  The rest will come: )

[Lupita]

Before my mother came the first time on the 24th of May, I was into positive thinking, reading the secret, very proud of being a recent skinny person. After surgery, two visits of my mother, one visit of my sister in low nad my niece, the injustuce of my brother, the recnt discovery that my brother might be an N, the discovering that I do not have a family, my book club was being led by an N, I come to realize that I am alone, very alone.
As somebody said, addiction to the magic energy of an abusive person. The thought that we have to degrade our selves to be able to be loved.
I remember somebody telling me 12 years ago that I was one of those persons who brought the rope to a person who wanted to hang me. No wonder, my father asked me, bring me my belt because I am going to hit you now. And the dog, (me) brought the belt and as I was saying "No daddy, please", I was being bitten. I compared my self with dogs all the time.
I am mad, and sad, because my son suffered so much in the hands of his father and it took me six years of his precious life to take him out and save him. I could not stand up for my slef, much less for my son.
Fortunately, I was traumatized enough to be able to reject any man who tried to get into my house and prevented ant stranger to live in my home to disrupt my son's life and to take his home away from him. Once a stranger is living in a home, that home never is the som of the children. The children do not have a home anymore.
I need to work on boundaries. To start I will define my boundaries. Now I will start with cisitors no more than five days. No more. Five days is enough. Email from my mother, I have to pray before I open them and make sure that I do not believe what she says.
Minimum contact with my brother. The littel girl will not live with me. If she wants to stay here she has to go to a dormitory ofr students. NC total with my sister. We have not talked in 12 years. No driving around my friends. Not giving explanations to my friends when they ask a reason why I do or dont do something. Tell aggressive friends (thanks CB) "I will think about it and get back to you". And will think of more. As soon as I enforce the first one I will feel better.
My sister in low and my niece understood that they must share activities with me and not only me to drive them around for their shopping. They are going to the Zumba lesson. I know it will make an impact on the little girl who is a couch potato. I know she will go back home trying tp find sport activities.
I will be more respectful of my son too. I know I have been invading his privacy. I am concerned mother. I love hi so much.
Thank you friends. If you have more ideas of boundaries I will appreciate them very much.

[lighter]

Ahhhhhh... the sound of Lupita taking her power back, lol; ) 

I like it!

(((Lupita)))

[Lupita]

1.- Visitors no more than five days. No more. Five days is enough.
2.- Email from my mother, I have to pray before I open them and make sure that I do not believe what she says.
3.- Minimum contact with my brother.
4.- The littel girl will not live with me. If she wants to stay here she has to go to a dormitory ofr students.
5.- NC total with my sister. We have not talked in 12 years.
5.- No driving around my friends.
6.- Not giving explanations to my friends when they ask a reason why I do or dont do something.
7.- Tell aggressive friends (thanks CB) "I will think about it and get back to you".

O, wrote me an e mail today, why you are not coming to the book club on the 18th, I said because I have family visiting and cant do it, sorry.
I did not say, because I am tired of the way you and A are handling the club. I will slowly disappear from their horizon.

The meeting from the 4th was cancelled due to lack of attendance. Usually it is me who is  writing e mails to everybody, and sending jokes and talking about the books, and elicitng a response from people. Last time we had 12 people together and four of them had been invited by me.

Hope they can see they lost a valuable member. If not, it is their loss, not mine. I already joined a fitness club. They to walks and sport activities. I will have more fun with that.