Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
sigh, sigh, sigh...
write:
So, I want to ask Write who was brave and had her "head turned, briefly." Can you share with us how you actually interacted with him so he will stay away? If I'm too nosey, tell me. I just think that it's valuable information.
I posted it in the different man same vibes thread below.
How I interacted so he'd stay away?
Stopped responding to the honeyed words & flattery, didn't flirt any more and said directly: I'm only interested in a healthy one-on-one relationship. He gave me the lines about not being ready etc then proceeded to look around for what he really wants ( as far as I can tell ) ie casual sex and an ego massage.
I read somewhere the other day that if someone is attracted to you and you're not looking/ feeling / acting your best esp. if you're depressed then watch out- he's probably interested in one-up power inbalances.
I did feel flattered when he was attracted to me despite the fact that I was looking rough...but also I was surprised, I was so down at that time, and men so rarely see the inner person at first meeting.
I'm very grateful to him in that he provided a distraction for a few weeks when I really needed one, though I am terribly glad I didn't get involved or fall for him.
Are you familiar with Eric Berne's Games People Play, I can recommend it, you'll never look at relationship interactions the same again!
write:
ps another piece of valuable information is about patience.
It's very tempting to rush into things because often when we look back we see missed opportunities ( rather than not meant to be or narrow escapes ) so we feel if we don't grab a relationship when it comes our way we might be lonely for a long time/forever etc.
Yet every single relationship which I value has evolved naturally over time, often measured in years rather than hours.
And the two men I have been 'in love' with I ended up lonely in the relationship.
Meeting someone where there's a mutual attraction its easy to take a convenience route, not wanting to 'waste' a source of attention/ sex/ distraction. The next step from that is to 'settle' for an unsatisfactory relationship rather than no relationship.
We fall in love with the best bits of someone, filtering out the rest, bolstered by our own expectations and imagination.
Shall I quote Wendy Cope ( for the millionth time )
Defining the problem
I can't forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.
Anonymous:
This thread and group has given me alot to think about and I thank you all - for being in this group, for writing it all down so well :D I think that thoughts are thought and feeling are feelings. I can change my feelings by changing my thoughts and you all are supporting me to do that. I can go to bed easily tonight. I feel less alone.
I feel like I am going through one of the strangest times of my life. My mother, after one of her malicious diatribes recently (ie, "I will always be here for you when, unfortunately, your friends won't") has resorted to the generous mother to get my attention by sending a garden basket of toys for my 40th birthday. I should shut up and give her what she wants...that is what she wants. She wants me to be her playmate. The 6 year old needs a playmate and - guess what - she gets to be mother sometimes and tell me what to do and when she doesn't want to be the mother, she expects me to be the mother.
So I am recovering now in the early stages. And standing strong. The thing is that she is always going to do this. Ditto for the other adult blood-relatives that I was surrounded by as a child (with the exception of my grandfather who died several years ago.)
--- Quote ---With regard to the issues of being alone and "alonely" while recovering and healing, I read somewhere that the healing from an abusive relationship must be done within the context of relationships with others. That you really can't heal all by yourself. The cave is safe, but safety alone won't do it.
--- End quote ---
I agree. Makes sense. This, combined with down-time alone when you need it and the recognition of having your own voice - that others might like to hear (in whatever form) is helpng alot. I've already had good results recently with my dancing and singing (that I always felt I couldn't show- no confidence.)
Thank you,write , for quoting Wendy Cope. I've never heard of her but I will remember those 4 lines forever.
~Dawning
Dawning:
Thought I was logged in when writing the previous post.
write:
one of her malicious diatribes recently (ie, "I will always be here for you when, unfortunately, your friends won't")
you know Dawning, my life began again when I learned how to do friendship, and my friends have been there for me over and over again- not in that martyred way but in their own time, their own ways so that I've come to love and be loved.
My family have never been there like that, nor I to them.
Wendy Cope is a cool poet, lots of her stuff resonates, here's some more
http://www.arlindo-correia.com/050900.html
http://www.geocities.com/arlindo_correia/150900.html
My other favourite 'reminder' is
Two Cures for Love
Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter
The easy way: get to know him better.
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