Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

sigh, sigh, sigh...

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Nic:
Oh Write..I forgot to say this.

I will never forget your advice to take care of myself within a relationship.  I'd heard that before but never expressed the way you did on that other thread..the one where you were describing how you didn't feel the need or want to " lose yourself in somebody".

I'm finding the advice, comments, indeed the level of discussion on this board so precious.  It's like having a multiple sibling cyber family unit.  I celebrate this..and grieve not having had what I have here in my N family.  My N parents/family was unable to furnish me with MOST skills necessary to LIVE a satisfying life...gosh that's sad :cry: ..to learn here at forty years of age what I could have learnt in a " normal" family..boggles the mind really :!:

A note on communication:  Today I got home a little later than expected..when I arrived the comment to me was: " You're not used to having someone wait for you huh?"  I was dumbstruck...i'm not irresponsible, i'm not unaccountable..and yet I answered: " No, i'm not." I didn't answer offended ,like I could have in the past..i just took the time to think it through.
I inquired as to why C was telling me this whilst admitting I could have called but really couldn't...turns out it was his issue and not mine..once that was established I felt better and let it go.
But the central issue was that I'm not as effective a communicator as I would like...mainly because no one's really ever cared what I think or do.  I had to care for others and deal with what they did..that was my role in my N family..
Point is..I think this was an effective way of taking care of myself within my relationship. Being vulnerable as opposed to being targetable.
Ok later then,
Nic :)

Portia:
Hello all. Write, thanks for this thread, some more sparks going off in my head but first I had to recap of these absolute gems:

Gingerpeach said:
--- Quote --- So, when a month later, I told him that I wanted to end the relationship, the most revealing thing that he said was....."So, I've spent the last year and a half dancing around to your tune for nothing?"
--- End quote ---

That’s it in a nutshell, the real true N at work. Astonishing. So inhuman! No empathy… I don’t know why I’m still shocked by this from time to time, but I am. It’s like they really do fit a stereotype, almost unbelievable if I hadn’t seen it for myself.

Write said:
--- Quote ---My pain comes from wanting someone to meet my needs, and wanting it to be him, and him being unable to, and me being disappointed...and that could happen in any relationship and THOSE ARE MY ISSUES.
--- End quote ---

And I started to concoct my reply but CG did it much better:

CG said:
--- Quote ---how my list of needs reduced somewhat, when it fell onto my shoulders to do it, I mean. Because it was so much hard work, I reduced it quite quite quite a bit. It had to come from inside me, and I found that most of those needs I wanted met were just form of romanticism anyway.
--- End quote ---


I love the idea of the list reducing because it’s hard work. That’s my kind of approach! So my basic needs are met: food, warmth, water, shelter, hugs, a sense of 'me'…hey, this can only get better! So what else do I need? Hmmm. Friends to talk with…

Write said:
--- Quote ---I'll write more about that tomorrow and the new man who turned my head briefly recently!
--- End quote ---

Tease. Give give!

Portia:
Nic, I think I have an explanation/distinction for you about:


--- Quote ---The need to get better, the need to recover, the need to nurture self, the need to love self etc. To me, it points to alot of isolation and aloneness

think it is a built in reflex for people to look for other people to love..I love you, You love me is not necessarily a heavy and negative thing.
--- End quote ---

Getting better is not about being alone – it’s about recognising that the ‘problem’ is you. That you can only change you – you can’t change the other(s). And once you change you (and ain’t nobody can really make you ‘get it’ except yourself…therapists, friends can help, but you’ve got to want to get there and do it yourself!) - you start getting better.

It’s putting the responsibility for your mental health on your own shoulders – but that doesn’t mean isolation – only being accountable for yourself. I guess it does mean deep introspection and self-understanding though - which requires some kind of 'isolation'? I’m pretty sure you know all this and much more – I’m just saying the conversation above was on those lines, I think! Once we know ourselves, we can go and relate equally with others..etc etc…I sound like a book :roll: … (6 months ago I would’ve been  :shock: if I’d known I’d write this now and mean it, understand it!!! What, all that American psychobabble claptrap? Ha ha! It means something now and I love it! :D ).

And looking for people to love, yes, I’m sure we are built that way. But that means loving them for what they are and what we can share with them – not loving them for meeting some deficiency in ourselves, using them to shore us up, or loving them in order to change them into our parents! Ouch ouch (my past just passed before my eyes). Etc etc. Oh can I add not loving them because we want to control and own them, or make them accessories to our omnipotence?  :wink: Ha ha. Sorry.

Yes Nic, we’re all in the same boat. Isn’t that great in some ways! I’m not alone!!!  :D I’m really not!


--- Quote ---“You're not used to having someone wait for you huh?"
--- End quote ---

....

Sorry! Hadn’t worked this one out before (about the breaking that rule) and look what happens! :o {EDIT IN: maybe this relates to memory: validation of ('What happens when you can't remember..? thread): Nic you sparked my memory here and 10 minutes later - wham - a load of similar stuff floods - memories of similar 'being late/waited for' instances where I was the 'bad girl'. Validation turns the memories around: not a bad girl! }

AND I used to be late for meetings all the time – with colleagues at work, with friends. And I was told it was rude of me, no consideration. Ha! You mean those people really were waiting for me at meetings? They really wanted me there? I mattered??! It’s funny how when you have no self-worth that it can look to outsiders as selfishness! Because you think no-one cares about what you do…so you hurt others by neglect….that’s not new thinking for me, I’m very punctual these days, but I have to watch for the other situations where I go into disappear mode.

What is it about this thread that got me going today?! Thanks all. P

Wildflower:
relocated to the 'What if you can't remember much of your childhood?' thread  8)

Gingerpeach:
With regard to the issues of being alone and "alonely" while recovering and healing, I read somewhere that the healing from an abusive relationship must be done within the context of relationships with others.  That you really can't heal all by yourself.  The cave is safe, but safety alone won't do it.

I resisted this one, and to some extent am still resisting.  But if you think about it, it makes sense.  On your own you can lick your wounds, but it is only by interacting with others that we can actually put into practice the changes we have made to insure that we will not accept abusiveness.

You can SAY it till the cows come home, that you won't allow abusive behavior from another ever again.  But until you actually practice doing things like boundary setting within the context of a relationship with another person, you haven't truly healed.

I think that this is one reason why we tend to go from one abusive relationship to another.  We mistake the absence of pain for healing.  We feel better because N is finally gone.  But until we really make the changes in ourselves and our own behavior and our communication with others ....we're sort of doomed to repeat the past.

To put it in a nutshell....one  actual "Kiss off, you jerk,"  is worth two years of sitting around watching videos with your cat for company.  I know, I know, you don't really have to be that rude all of the time, but sometimes.....you do.  

So, as scary as it sounds, you DO have to get out there and interact and "practice what you preach."

So, I want to ask Write who was brave and had her "head turned, briefly." Can you share with us how you actually interacted with him so he will stay away?  If I'm too nosey, tell me.  I just think that it's valuable information.

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