Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
sigh, sigh, sigh...
Anonymous:
[quote="write
My pain comes from wanting someone to meet my needs, and wanting it to be him, and him being unable to, and me being disappointed[/u
And for me, I got to the point where I got sick and tired of being driven by this. Looking for someone to meet my needs. Make me feel better. To take care of me and give me what I wanted. And I'd choose who they were to be, whether they were capable or equipped or not. YUUUUUK. I now think "Those poor people." I had to heal myself, and learn to meet my own needs.
It's quite funny really when I realised that, how my list of needs reduced somewhat, when it fell onto my shoulders to do it, I mean. Because it was so much hard work, I reduced it quite quite quite a bit. It had to come from inside me, and I found that most of those needs I wanted met were just form of romanticism anyway. Thanks write for posting an interesting topic.
CG
write:
I had to heal myself, and learn to meet my own needs.
It's quite funny really when I realised that, how my list of needs reduced somewhat, when it fell onto my shoulders to do it, I mean. Because it was so much hard work, I reduced it quite quite quite a bit. It had to come from inside me, and I found that most of those needs I wanted met were just form of romanticism anyway. Thanks write for posting an interesting topic.
this resonates so much CG! especially the word ROMANTICISM- I so need to retrain myself on that & love relationships! Thank you- I'll print it off as a reminder.
Wildflower:
Hi write,
--- Quote ---Tonight he boasted ' I'm the favourite parent' while I was clearly agonising
--- End quote ---
You know, I just can't get over the fact that he actually came out and said this. Do you know what he meant (obviousness aside)? What was he trying to say to you? It makes me worry a bit about him being competitive with your children, and I hate to say it, but try to put them against you when things aren't going smoothly between the two of you? This already says to me that he's willing to use them to 'get back' at you?
--- Quote ---My pain comes from wanting someone to meet my needs, and wanting it to be him, and him being unable to, and me being disappointed...and that could happen in any relationship and THOSE ARE MY ISSUES.
I chose to be and stay in a relationship with such problems, I never would have if I'd been emotionally healthy myself, but like many here my childhood was abusive and miserable, and it's taken me years to fully know what a good life and a healthy self means.
What I need to heal my pain= acceptance, and nurturing myself while I grieve, then let go. Let go of anger, the past and the future we might have had. Not be bitter, or I'll take that with me into new situations and relationships.
--- End quote ---
This is great stuff. I'm sure a lot of hard work went into finding these conclusions. Isn't it nice to be able to finally think and get things straight instead of being under so much pressure all the time? :D
Hang in there.
Wildflower
write:
What was he trying to say to you?
nothing, it was a flippant offhand remark. The issue was, I was already pretty uptight about my son not wanting to stay, and he didn't connect that stupid comments would be extra-hurtful. Or notice that I was upset. I had to tell him. He apologised then.
This is an old problem- his obliviousness to other's emotions or moods. And tactless comments.
But I know I'm lucky we can talk openly at all, some narcissists will tolerate no slight or criticism ( real or imagined ) and certainly no advice or instruction; in fact he was like this for years until our son was born.
My h has said to me several times 'I trust you', and at last I have the understanding to be humbled by that.
I'm sure a lot of hard work went into finding these conclusions. Isn't it nice to be able to finally think and get things straight instead of being under so much pressure all the time?
I couldn't have got this far without
1) therapy
2) you guys
3) my lovely friends, many who are beautiful life role models
4) my husband, and his willingness to be guided by me ( and now the psych ) on parenting & planning for the future.
It is nice to be clear-headed, and I'll write more about that tomorrow and the new man who turned my head briefly recently!
Nic:
I'm having trouble with this one Write..there seems to be an agreement on the thread that everything rests on each individual's shoulder. The need to get better, the need to recover, the need to nurture self, the need to love self etc. To me, it points to alot of isolation and aloneness..the contradiction is that most if not all of us come from broken promises, double messages, mistrust and distrust, rejection and abandonment..everything negative it seems.
Is it not better to seek balance? I think we need other people..lovers and wives and husbands and children and friends..yet the discourse keeps sending us back to our lonely selves..to ponder and experiment alone..to conquer isolation with more isolation.
Sure, it's fine to take a step back, a timeout on relationships when they've been bad or been avoided altogether. That was me for the longest time, the alone thing, fortress Nic. But i've come to realize that I need other people, other sane people particularly..not perfect people, they just don't exist. This doesn't mean closing doors, it means putting a sign on it that says: "Please knock!"
I think it is a built in reflex for people to look for other people to love..I love you, You love me is not necessarily a heavy and negative thing. Tainted by the misuse of these words, my behaviour in the past has been one of avoidance. I've never feared being alone, in fact i've spent most of my life alone..either by myself or with someone, which makes it easier for me to say I had the problem, I was isolated within myself if you will. Unable to reach in and unable to reach out..what a prison!
Balance, that's where all my new acquired knowledge is being redirected. And I think it's possible. I have to be the right person, not the other.
Mind you I can fully understand and empathize with those of us who wish to abstain from involvement, romantic or otherwise, but I suspect that this built-in need to love and be loved cannot forever be ignored.
I also think men and women differ on this issue, particularly when it comes to sexuality..put bluntly, the act itself! I heard a very old woman being interviewed on tv asserting that " sex is the elixir of life!" Of course, after I got over the embarrassment of hearing this coming out of a ninety year old :oops: I questionned why I was feeling this way. Almost a year later I think I know...
At this point in my life and having purged from my system many of the sequelae of having been raised by two Ns, i'm ready to go on..to go further. I'm very tired and need a break but can't take one because of the financial mahem my N parents have caused in my life..and so i trudge on. BUT, inside my soul, my head, my spirit whatever you want to call it, there is/has been a renaissance.
I've shed much of who I was before, i'm changing and dealing with the new me with as much patience and wisdom as I have at this point in time. There is peace within myself to a degree I cannot accurately measure..but I feel the growth..I FEEL period, and this is very new.
I could go on forever, because despite my tiredness i'm on a roll..things are clear tonight. I am the eye of the storm momentarily..and it "feels" good AND I realize I can do things in order to feel good as well. Change is action, as has been stated here before.
I reject perfection, because I know it doesn't exist..at least not here.
It is with a palpable sadness I realize I must reach out, privately and in public life to others because in reflecting on all the years of loneliness and aloneness i've survived at the hands of two very oppressive N parents ( an N regime really!) the only thing that was missing was the opportunity to be valued.
We're all in the same boat aren't we...and I love and respect each and every one of you very much.
Love, Nic :)
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version