is it okay to cutt off family for self protection?

[paige t]

My husband and I grew up in emotionally abusive households - I with a N-mom and he with mom with suspected BPD.  After we married we experienced having a chronic and terminally sick child who died at 22 months.  During all of that we had no one.  That hurt.  We sort of got over that.  
Last year my little brother, that had mental illness with of course no support while living with N-mom, completed suicide. I was devastated needless to say, which sent me into a deep depression, which caused much disruption in every facet of my life.  My husband and I separated and our kids stayed with him.  My N-mom called me at work to criticize and demean me telling me that the oldest (only important grandchild) was not being taken care of, I abandoned her, she needs her mother etc. – all trying to imply that I was a bad mother.  This sent me over the edge and I took an prescription over dose which lead to a hospitalization.  When I got out, my husband (still separated) told me (after I pulled it out of him) that while I was in the hospital my entire family and his, had been on the phone spreading horrible lies about me. They determined that I was a bad mother, needed complete custody taken away from me without visitation, was just trying to get attention, was mean etc. etc.  My husband was the only one that stood up for me.  My father in fact spent an hour trying to offer him money for a lawyer to take the kids away from me.  I haven’t spoken to any of them since.  It hurt me a great deal, but now I just want to cut them off so that we that can’t be hurt by them again.  Others in the family want me to sweep it under the rug and just chalk it up to my mom being my mom.  None of those members can stand to be near her for long periods of time. I have been for years the target of my mother’s bulling especially since I have the only grandchildren.  My husband agrees with me and we are supportive of each other.  We are getting no support from other family members about this and feel we have to disconnect from everyone all together, not just my mother.  Both sides of family.  Is this okay for us to do?  Are we wrong or bad?  We feel it’s the only way to protect ourselves and our children.  Is there any other way?

[Anonymous]

Hi paige t and welcome,

You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby an your younger brother. What a completely awful set of experiences you relate here. I wonder how you are able sit and type. How incredibly hard that must be for you. And you've got so much more to tell.

My answer to your question is a loud 'YES'. Cut off whoever you need to if they are stopping you from getting strong, and pulling you under.

You've got enough to deal with without having to deal with their crap too. Work out the details later. You have children to care for, as I can read you're fully aware of. Don't give up. There is a way through .

CG

[rosencrantz]

Welcome!

Such deep despair.  

An overdose may be described as a 'cry for help'  - how loud do you have to shout and they still don't hear, still do mean and stupid things to you.  Such ignorance.  You were drowning not waving!!!   It makes me feel so cross, I want to go and knock their heads together.

The simple answer is YES it's okay to protect yourself.  In fact, it's required!!  You have other kids - you owe it to them to be the  best you can be.  That's hard enough.  And 'families' like that don't help you be your best - they eat up your time and attention.  THEY are the ones seeking attention!!!!!

Perhaps next time they come sniffing at your door, you should tell 'em that you don't have time for all their attention-seeking - not today, not ever - you've better things to do with your time, like playing with your kids!!!  

Good luck
R

[write]

I am sorry you have had such a difficult time, and such a hateful extended family.

Yes its ok to cut them all out, and to do whatever you need to be healthy.

Take care of yourself.

[aroberts20@yahoo.com]

I have had to cut my ties with my N father.  He is so toxic that I have no self around him.  It is beyond my comprehension that a person could be so cold, unempathetic and selfish.  

While the severance has caused me pain, I am becoming myself after many years of abuse.  My mother and siblings experienced the same thing and although my mother has passed, the siblings are estranged, have addictive personalities, difficulties (understatement!) with relationships.  No contentment in life is possible.  I was raised in fear and now fear trust and intimacy.  I hope I can find a way to fix the damage and good luck to you as well.  Feel free to contact me to share our experiences.

Andrea Roberts
Phoenix, AZ
aroberts20@yahoo.com

[Tamara]

I myself know what it's like to deal with clinical depression and the depths it can take you to. During my bout with it, my mother said some very nasty things to me and thought it was just me having a pity party. Then she didn't talk to me for two years, didn't bother to visit me in our new home, but spread viscious lies about me to her own immediate family. Her reason: "She" was having a difficult time with not talking to me and "she" was suffering during my depression. I have one word for her and it's nothing I would put on this list. My father is also an N and is basically on another planet. After trying to give these people another chance time and again, I've finally gotten it through my head that I am much better off and much more relaxed with them permanently out of my life. You feel like you have to be crazy right along with them just in order to co-exist with them. I don't want to be like that. I have moments where I am very angry because I know my mother is still talking her cr*p and my father occasionally calls me to talk nonsense about his current wife that has left him. I'm more important than this and you really need to think that way to. STart loving yourself because you're worth it. Take care of your kids and don't expose them to the people who have damaged you. You're not being a bad person to cut these people out, you don't have to second guess yourself, you don't have to ask others permission if it's ok. You take care of what is important and that is yourself and your family.

[Lizbeth]

You have every right to protect yourself from toxic relatives.  My husband and I have cut off contact with his N mother and near-N father (they are not married).  See my post about them resurfacing recently.

We can pick our friends, but we can't pick out family.  But that does not mean they have the right to abuse and hurt you.  You have to take care of yourself and not worry about those out there who only have their own selfish self-interest at heart, no matter who they are.  Toxic people in your life will continue to damage you, they have to be cut out like a cancer.

I feel so badly for you.  My heart goes out to you and all of us with toxic relatives.

Lizbeth

[mrt]

Paige,
I'm so sorry to hear about your devestating losses! My heart aches for you guys. I'm so sorry to hear that both sides of the family are failing you. I'm delighted to see that your husband came around and is supportive of you. You guys need each other cause it appears you guys have no one else to turn to. I would say that your marriage should be a top priority in both of your lives. In the future if you feel like it's not doing too well then work on it - seek help. Stay strong.

My advise to you regarding your mother. RUN!!! Anyone that is so toxic that she has influenced decisions of suicide  should be considered dangerous!
   
If she continues to try to contact you - seek legal counsel - get a restraining order or something. You need to protect your kids from this menace. If you become strong then she will move on to easier targets - your kids. (My N family were beginning to make my children feel inferior)
( kids have enough to deal with today, without their family trampling them down)
Regarding your families. Cut them all off. If both of your families weren't supportive during your worst hours then when will you ever need them?

You need time to heal. My God, you and your husband have been through hell and you need to give yourself plenty of space of time before you even "think" about having to DEAL with N's. They kicked the wounded when they were down. Who needs a family like that?

It is not wrong for you to have to protect yourself and your children.  You wouldn't let a stranger come in the house and hurt you or your family? Then why let toxic people into your life and hurt your family.   It is the same thing regardless of WHO they are and whether they yield physical, mental, or psychological harm.  
  It will be painful to seperate and you will go through a lot of anger and frustration, grief, and sorrow ( perhaps )  but it will also be a relief, a peaceful time for you guys to re-group and grow stronger. To heal. To learn about who you were dealing with. (N's)  To learn that you were not to blame. That your not "bad"

Regarding: "is there another way?" I think you should go with your instincts. If your instincts are telling you that you need to protect you and your kids,  then that's a big red flag telling you something isn't right.

God bless you guys.

[DesolateFox]

Paige, if you have the strength to cut them off, and it sounds like you do, do it.  I cut my father off for 5 years and though I can only handle him in very small "bites" even now, it did a world of difference.  My mother and I are distant at best.  I am not as strong now as I used to be, and have always been particularly vulnerable to my mother, and this is much harder.  But if you need to do it and can do it, I think it's a great idea.  You have those kids to think about, and have suffered enough.

Don't look back.  You are doing the right thing.  Sounds like your husband is doing good by you.  I hope that things work out for the best between you- whatever that may be.

[mcg31360]

Paige:

My heart aches for you.  I can totally relate to your situation.  Yes, it is okay to cut those people out of your life, if that's what it takes to survive.  You needn't feel guilty about it.  If you were diabetic and needed insulin to survive, you would use it.  This situation is no different.  These people want you to be enmeshed with them.  They may say and do spiteful things that suggest otherwise, but don't fall for it.  This is their way to control you by beating you up to make themselves feel better.  It's an evil sickness, that has no doubt, gone on for centuries.

My advice to you is to read everything you can get your hands on about narcissists.  Find someone to talk to that is knowledgable.  It is good that your husband is supportive.  It would be much tougher if he wasn't.  Keep the children away from those people.  If at all possible, move away far enough that they can't always be interfering in your lives.  You will never regret it.  And best of luck to you!

Cathi

[Ishana]

Dear Paige,

I agree with everyone else...you should do whatever it takes for you, your husband and your children to be the healthiest and happiest that you can.  I myself have had very little contact with my father and narcissistic stepmother (my mother passed away when I was a small child).  It really hurts to not see my father, who is not narcissistic but is an enabler in every sense of the word.  I know my father loves me but he is also very sick and lives in her sick world.  It hurts so much that he doesn't love me enough to have a separate relationship with me, but that is his choice.  Honestly, I don't think he would know how to do ANYTHING without her at this point as he is extremely co-dependent with her.  

I know I am stronger from not having interactions with them as they are so crazy-making for me.  Plus, I want to protect my own children from their emotional madness.  You are not alone in making this decision and I hope that brings some measure of comfort to you.

Take care, and please keep posting!

Ishana

[kelly8893]

It's funny how sick people seem to kick you when you are down and they never never EVER change. Everyone here has given great advice and please take it. Also find everything you can about Narcissitic people it will be an eye opener, these people rarely if ever change and the ones that do are very small portion of themselves. N people are mean and full of hate, they only love themselves and they have such low self esteem that the only way to make themselves feel better is to put other people down or treat them horriable. You are a mother and you need to do the best you can for your kids and if that means keeping awful people out of their life so be it. You will be much happier and relaxed, moving is a good idea if you can and you don't have to answer to anybody but yourself? You wouldn't let strangers hurt your family, so don't let flesh and blood, just because they are family doesn't mean you have to interact or even talk to them. Family means together but only in love if there is no love then there is no family.

Sorry to hear about your losses, it is very painful to lose people we love and it takes time (Alot of time) to get over that and to feel again, so don't be hard on yourself just take care of yourself and your kids and your husband they are the ones that count- extended family is only a bonus if they are kind to you.  N people are never kind without strings attached!!
I have lost many people in my life in horrible circustances such as yours and the best way to see over the tragedy is to go throught the pain. Take care and know that you are not alone and people you may never meet care about you! Hugs Kelly