new man- old vibes!

[write]

Ok, some of you remember me posting about a guy who I was very attracted to and ditto him...anyway, I thought at his suggestion we were waiting until our lives calmed down and then going to explore the possibility of a relationship.

As life would have it we got thrown together a fair bit socially and I've been able to observe from afar as it were.

1) he is mean to his wife. The way he treats her is ugly. He seems to have little respect or understanding for her & the pain she is going through, and to blame her entirely for the failure of the marriage. He criticises her constantly.

2) although he says the kids are no. one priority he took them on a ( first )date with him. He'd said ( as do I ) that kids should never be involved in their parents' dates until way down the track and it's likely to be a permanent relationship affecting their lives.

3) he hits on other women all the time, several of my girlfriends have commented on this.

4 ) he is one angry man.

So what's going on? Why am I getting attracted to a man with these traits? ( apart from the fact he has the most amazing eyes and is charming on best behaviour )

According to

http://www.cyberparent.com/love/chem1.htm

we 'click' with someone with whom we can
1. Finish our childhood business.
2. Give us back what we lost to the socialization process of growing up.

So basically I'm just running the same programme which got me into this relationship, and have probably picked a guy with all the same qualities as my h.

I'm still exploring this, and will do some therapy with it, but I think part of it is something I did over and over in childhood of trying to make my parents love me. I so longed for them to love me it became a fantasy and then a pattern of behaviour to try and make them...I couldn't so when I detached from trying to make them love me it became a pattern in romantic relationships and there it sits to this day.

So basically I am still ( partly ) waiting to be emotionally rescued.

Interesting stuff, eh.

So shall I sleep with him or not?!!! Just joking Portia!

[rosencrantz]

Hi write - wow, can you see this man clearly!  Congratulations!!!  But you sound as tho you're still hovering on the brink.   I haven't heard the door slam yet!!!!  

I've still got battle fatigue so I'm hesitating slightly about coming in here but it's something I feel passionate about so here I am!!

What about turning that description around and using it with you and your parents in the main roles.  I don't know you so I don't know how relevant all these things are but here's an example...

He is mean to his wife. The way he treats her is ugly.  He seems to have little respect or understanding for her & the pain she is going through, He criticises her constantly.  

turns into

My parents were mean to me. The way they treated me was ugly. They seemed to have little respect or understanding for me and the pain I felt. They criticised me constatly.

Or maybe it was just one parent.  Or maybe 'me' is actually your mother and the 'parent' is your father.

It just seemed that you were telling us the past truth behind the current truth but it was somehow disguised behind the 'who'. So if you tried different names from your childhood in the 'template' you set up numbered 1,2,3,4 you'd find out what it meant...(especially 4!).

Can you see what I mean???

And the charisma bit (the eyes, the charm) just takes us out of ourselves so we don't have to think any more. "Let me see me through your eyes"  And when they see us as great, that's great.  But the downside is that when they topple us from our pedestal, we have to see what they decide to see then, too.

But those eyes define us as the fantasy of the other.  And these men have amazing, wonderful fantasies.  And then they have the most appalling fantasies of who we are, too.  And we take it all in and believe it all.

So we have to find our own beauty inside.  Sorry - sounds naff, doesn't it.  But we spend a lot of time finding our own ickiness and believing other people when they tell us we are icky.

I won't be defined by anyone else any more (concentrating on being aware of the distorting lens) but that means I can't accept the distorting lens that makes me beautiful in someone else's eyes, either.

Know what I mean?????
Hugs
R

[write]

you sound as tho you're still hovering on the brink. I haven't heard the door slam yet!!!!

I don't think it will slam R, I think it's been a slow gradual realisation, and it's just closing quietly.

There's no going back, is there, and that's the ambivalence you sense: what about all that wonderful chemistry...the fireworks, letting go of that.

It's interesting, I met a guy at church, he's lovely and I've checked him out a couple of times when he's been energetically bouncing around, but I didn't get any weak kneed breathlessness when he came over to get my no.

So that's the patience thing again too, right, knowing that I won't emotionally attach to someone any more until I actually know them.
Letting connection be a gentler more open subtle process.
Waiting for the fireworks...

Re my parents, you know what they actually did? They ignored me. For 16 years. I did everything ( positive & negative ) to get them involved with me, but they were completely wrapped up in their own selves and lives. So when someone makes a beeline for me and tells me what I longed to hear back then ( that I was loveable & wanted ) its salve to the soul...and I don't stop to untangle the message in their behaviour...which is I'm emotionally unavailable too! And I hop right back into the dance.

I don't do this in friendships, and I have the most beautiful loving friendships. It's only in romantic relationships.

I'll read up a bit more on development, I think Jung might have some answers!

But basically I'm emotionally unavailable whenever I connect to someone through my emotional baggage...

Goodness, a huge lightening strike came down near the house just then simultaneously with a bang! I can feel the charge all around, like someone shouting eureka! she's got it...

[rosencrantz]

Congratulations.  Don't it just feel sooooo good!  

That's another icon we need, then - lightning strke!!
R

[kelly8893]

Thank you! All of the posts here are very very very good insight into the world of fantasy and who, where, how and why we do it??!!!??!!

I never thought of my relationship with my ex-H or my ex-N as being part of the fantasy of hearing what I longed to hear my parents say my entire life. I too was ignored and was "the good girl" to hopefully get their attention but nothing worked.
 
I still struggle to be the "good girl" and to get their attention but now I do it through romantic relationships, I never do it in friendships and I have very close great relationships with people I admire and love and they in return! But make it romantic and I am dead in the water before I even start but I am learning that, like you said get to KNOW the person first and really KNOW them, then let the romance start.

Sounds like I need to learn patience and more patience and I am learning almost 5 months and counting with no contact with my ex-N and it feels weird but very very very healthy!!!!

I would rather be patience, healthy and learning then how I have lived my life the last 20 years ( in fantasy and holding my breath to hear the words "I love you" "I want to be with you" " I need you" "you are special")
I have exhaled and it feels good!!!!!

One of the things I really struggle with these days is that my life is sooo normal and I don't have the rollercoaster from H-ll ride to be on everyday of the great Narssistics world. I have to struggle everyday to realize that I won't get that call that he is in trouble and I have to save him, and I won't get the call that he wants to love me but everything about me is wrong!! ( interesting how this works out in THEIR mind)

You wonder why I struggle? I guess because I know my parents love me and have always loved me but they are very self centered people and they need the space to be just that. I have accepted the fact that I don't need to be saved or rescued because I am an adult and I get to choose the path I take everyday and I am the parent and I won't make the same mistake they did because I am a person full of love and caring and that is OK not weird.

Thanks for the input guys it really helps every time I visit. Have a great weekend! Kelly