As i was reading some posts here, the thought occurred to me, of a way that I might be able to help somewhat.
For any of you who are really stuck in the N-cycle of feeling guilty for living and breathing, feeling obligated to be N's slave, feeling trapped and unable to be individualized from the N...try this
One thing I used to do with K, once I began seeing all the odd behaviors, even BEFORE I knew she was dysfunctional and abusive and messed up in her childhood...I would tape record or copy/paste our convos. I used to do this in general for myself, simply because I would forget what I talked with her about and not be able to recall it in future convos we had.
Just record convos you have with the N's and others, only for yourself, and go back and review them REGULARLY. You will be SO SURPRISED at what you see...you will begin seeing their patterns of verbal/textual abuse of you.
This was how I began to realize that K's "digs" at me in text, were not just "friendly" for us both to giggle at...they were very POINTED INSULTS. Of course she, to this day, will NEVER admit that she purposely was insinuating that I was MENTALLY SLOW, RETARDED, LAZY, POOR, etc...everything was carefully concealed under her sarcasm, pauses and attempt at "humor"
Just try it and you might even learn to "catch" when the tide turns and learn new responses that keep N from victimizing you.
Go from this:
K: "yeah, well you know how you are..."
Me: "huh? what do you mean?"
K: "oh nothin...just an observation is all...so what did you think of that movie anyway?"
Me: "i loved it.
Me: "it was exciting and fun.
Me: "Anne Hathaway is one of my favorite stars"
Me: "She really looked like a true princess, you know?"
(pause, pause...at this time K is rolling her eyes, letting me ramble on and on, thinking that I am acting totally retarded, going on about this movie)
Me: "I loved those outfits she wore too."
(K still not responding, but WATCH THIS ONE)
Me: "I think it was one of Anne's best movies!"
Me: "She sort of reminded me of you in a way."
K: "Meeeee? why is that?"
(notice how they JUMP if anything about THEM might be mentioned, especially if there was the possiblity that I was comparing her in a NEGATIVE way)
to this...
K: "Yeah well you know how you are."
Me: Me: "huh? what do you mean?"
K: "oh nothin...just an observation is all...so what did you think of that movie anyway?"
Me: "Uh, don't change the subject, K. What did you mean about "you know how you are? That sounded like a negative insinuation."
K: "oh my GOSH!"
Me: "what?"
K: "GIRL, did you REALLY think I was trying to insult you? YOu KNOW who I answer to! God would not approve of me hurting you like that. I can't BELIEVE you think I'd do something like that!"
Me: "Well, I am just making sure..."
K: "This is UNREAL, Laura! How COULD you think that of me? Haven't I always been up front with you? Haven't I been there for you and given you 2nd and 3rd chances when you didn't deserve them?"
Me: "That's not the point. I used to just let your comments go over my head, K, but now I realize what you REALLY mean by them."
K: "ok FINE! if that is how you see it, I tried to explain to you. You just don't want to see it that way."
Me: "I don't see it that way, because I sense the underlying motive of it, K"
K: "OH MY GOD! Ok, well there is nothing more to say then. Your mind is made up.
Me: (I say NOTHING more at this point, having seen her cycle from "embarassment, lashing out, projection, withdrawl MANY times before and have read it in other people's convos with her "to the LETTER" many times too)
Well, it's worth a try, right? Read and reread convos with N's. You will be AMAZED at the cycles that you can HEAD OFF at the pass!
