Emotional Hooks

[Certain Hope]

There are 10 of these Emotional Hooks listed here:
http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/alertb.htm#Lack

Pasting below the particular ones which I think have led me, yet once again, to stumble into the arena of enmeshment with a friend....
aarghh... absolutely gotta get this stiff understood and firmly planted!!
Surely have had enough practice... but this time, it does seem that I noticed more quickly just how bad I was beginning to feel.
This business of recognizing the need for healthy internal boundaries and then putting them into action is tricky.

This friend of mine hits the same wall regularly. It's cyclical... but it had been awhile since she spun this way, so I thought maybe she'd processed more of this. Anyhow, she digs up all the past abuse and hurt from her family of origin and lays it out there in front of me.
Horror stories of years of neglect and suffering. I've heard it all before, many times.
Again, I feel the anger, pain, resentment, frustration, everything associated with these stories which I know so well.
Then she tucks them all back into her inner closet and returns to life as usual. Till next time. 

She is using me to feel these things for her so that she doesn't have to?
That's how it feels.

It's like she wants me to be the mommy, because her own mom didn't protect her from all that happened. I used to think that if I just listened and let her verbalize these things, she would feel some relief at the expression.
But she doesn't.
She just dumps it all on me... as though I get the privilege of reliving all this for her... then she returns to her semi-adult role until the next time it gets to be too much for her.
And I keep thinking about something I read here on the board... mighta been from CB... about desiring friendships/relationships where it's not always about "you, me, or our relationship".
Thinking back, this friend always seems to sense when she's just about pushed too far... and then she throws out the "tell me about what's going on in your life" hook. If I do tell her a bit, I get a flat, unemotional response and it feels like she's just tossed the dog a bone.

I'm not blaming her. It's my emotional boundaries which need strengthening... I just do not want to go down that road again.

Anyhow, here are the key points that trip me up, in case anyone else can benefit...
the rest are at the website.

Love,
Hope

4.  Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy

Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."   

5.  Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless.  I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."   

6.  Need to be Needed

Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."   

7.  Belief that Time will Make it Better

Maybe you get hooked by the belief that: "If I give it enough time things will change to be the way I want them to be." You have waited a long time to have healthy intimate relationships, you rationalize: "Don't give up on them too soon." Since you are not sure how to have them or how they feel, you rationalize that maybe what the relationships need is more time to become more healthy and intimate. You find yourself giving more and more of yourself and waiting longer and longer for something good to happen and yet things never get better. You find that your wait goes from being counted by days, weeks or months to years. Time passes and things really never get better. What keeps hooking you are those fleeting moments when the relationships approximate what you would like them to be. These fleeting moments feel like centuries and they are sufficient to keep you holding on. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to sacrifice large portions of my life, invested in relationships which are not going anywhere. It is unhealthy for me to hold on to the belief that things will change if they have not in 1 or more years. It is OK to set time limits in my relationships such as: if in 3 months or 6 months things do not get to be intimately healthier then I am getting out of them or we will need to seek professional help to work it out. It is OK to put time demands on my relationships so that I do not waste away my life waiting for something which in all probability will never happen. It is not OK for me to blow out of proportion those fleeting moments in my relationships which make me believe that there is anything more in them than there really is."   

[Certain Hope]

Hi Portia,

This has gone in stages for me... over a period of about 3 years.

With this friend, I thought that I'd detached from the outcome awhile back, when I began to view my determination to see her change for the better (by following my advice) as an act of control freakery on my part. Okay, so I detached from the outcome... or so I thought.
It really is so exhausting...
but I thought that taking a break from it all with this friend would give her the space to consider some of the hours of discussion which she and I had shared, while allowing me to restructure my own boundaries. So we took a break, and resumed recently with a simple friendship... sharing via email about our daily activities. She appeared to be better, stronger, more mature, more determined to clear up her own dysfunctional relationships... but now I think that was all an illusion. It's like she was grooming me to this point, when she asked (this was a first - she actually asked) -  "could we talk about these feelings I'm having about my family".
I felt so much stronger than the other times... I said, okay.
And here I am again.

The thing is, what I really saw clearly this time - she doesn't even feel the pain with me... it's like she dissociates and reports all this stuff in a very flat-lined state, I am supposed to feel it, and then she winds the whole thing up with, "I'm okay, I hope you know that; I will let the Lord work through this with me". 

uh huh. This is where I began to see the bigger picture. I didn't reply. Next thing I get three rapid-fire emails, "are you going to go away?"

She knows what this does to me and she does it anyhow.
My fervency level has hit an all-time low.

She has no emotions to watch, Portia... that's just it.
Not engaging mine is the trick. I think.
(((((((Portia))))))) thanks... this helped.

Love,
Hope

[teartracks]

Hi Hope,

#7.  That one is speaking to me.  I'm a very optimistic person.  Everyone starts on the top rung of the ladder with me.  I've said often that if someone puts me on a pedestal, it's their responsible to keep me there.  But if I turn it around and think of the ones I've put on a pedestal then allowed to stay there even when they've done everything to have made me emotionally demote them, there's my problem.  Thanks for the heads up!

tt 

[lighter]

Oh Lord, Hope.

How awful.

[Certain Hope]

tt,

I like that pedestal thingie... thanks - I'll remember!

Lighter,

It felt awful yesterday, again, but not quite to the depths as previously...
and all of this is finally tying into some other things, you know...
as I try to get to the bottom of why some stuff gets into my shell and irritates the daylights outta me.
Who knows, maybe one day there'll be a pearl   
Actually, I think the pearl is - it really is up to me whether or not I'm gonna get all riled up over anything someone else does/says/whatever.
 

[Certain Hope]

You're welcome, Bean... I'm glad to know that this helped you!

My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and - for us - time together has helped... but that's 
because he was willing to keep extending his hand through those most difficult times when I only wanted to retreat into my little hide-away.
That's the only way I knew, the only way I ever saw...  till he taught me differently. I'm so glad that he persisted in gently drawing me out of my discomfort-zone... cuz it was sure miserable in that shell.

I understand the dilemma with doing things "like mom did". That's something I encounter regularly here, even with the simplest things... like peeling potatoes or showing the kids how to do something (usually in the kitchen) and remembering.. that's how Mother always did it.
More importantly, she always ragged on my dad, trying to push him to improve himself... not to mention the molding she tried to do with me. The impact of all that left me at the opposite end of the spectrum - often hanging back and not offering genuinely helpful suggestions or input, for fear of turning into her. Sure takes awhile to achieve a healthy balance. I'm still goin through my own little garden here and plucking out her weeds... but I'm also finding the occasional bud in there, as well... just the beginnings of a gorgeous flower... which needs my tending and nurturing in order to blossom.  It ain't all bad. Coming from someone who never even knew intimacy was possible, it's been quite a leap to acknowledge it as a need! That makes me say, too... I'm OK!

Hugs, Bean.

Love, Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Hope,
You are so aware. There's no way you're not going to make even more headway (and I think even a step back is headway, when you see what's happening so clearly).

I am so familiar with this kind of thought--it's among my favorite things to do 

I thought [X behavior or statement of mine]

would give her the space to consider

[or become aware, or change her mind, or have the realization I know would help her, etc.]

It's kind of like "tidying up the future". Very frustrating but hard to stop.

You're getting there!

love
Hops

[debkor]

Hope,

You have just described the same friendship I had with my friend right down to the Mommy part.  Been there done that and felt the same way you are feeling now.

I do really understand what you are feeling. 

I stopped the friendship.
After 12 years.



Deb

[Certain Hope]

Thanks, Hops. 
After being so deliriously unaware for so long, it's still rather a shock... and yet a necessary one. Rather like smashing the proverbial "(not so)funnybone".

 "Tidying up the future"... yes, I suppose so! 
I hadn't thought of it in that way, but yes -  at least I hoped she'd see that somebody was willing to stand by her.
Because it seemed that nobody else knew the whole story of how her family had treated her, I felt responsible to be there, at least in the wings. I still kinda do.

In the past, I'd just get so exhausted, and then angry... with her constant "I'm afraid you'll go away"...  honestly, at times it felt as though she was placing me under some sort of curse. On occasion, she'd share some dark dream she'd had... where something happened to me... and how this had frightened her. I tried to tell myself that there was no reason why I should let this stuff get to me... that I was strong enough to ignore her manipulations and still try to be her friend... but I can't deny anymore that it all has a cumulative effect.
For whatever reason, I feel that she hand-picked me to use as her dumping ground for her "dark side". My sense of it is that by  allowing her to continue this, I've enabled her to continue her public masquerade, where she refuses to relate at a genuine level and only presents as a sort of inscrutable goody two-shoes. I have never recommended therapy to anyone, until now.
I have told her that she most definitely needs professional help.  Her response: "I understand". Translated - "I knew you couldn't help me... nobody can. I am an impossible case." argh

Deb, it really gets bad at times. If I don't respond to a couple emails, her communications get more and more childish... all in lower case letters, lots of abbreviations, like a text message. Next come the 1-liners: "are you all right?"  "hope you're ok"  "... love u"
And just before this last big spiel, she'd said, "I'm so glad we're friends and we can talk."
Then: whammo.  I shoulda known... it was a set-up. 
And now finally, this time I see (or at least it feels like this)... it's never been about being real friends... not even a mentor sort of relationship... just a matter of her getting her "fix".

I'm sorry that you went through this, too, Deb... especially after 12 years... it's so hard to know when to let it go, because you just want to keep hoping.
But I see that there's no true intimacy... because there's no genuine person at home in there.
It's like... if you're up, she wants to pull you down. If you're down... better keep it to yourself.
And now she's written again and wants to know if I will still talk to her. She says she won't talk about her family and all that other stuff anymore, but she'll miss me if I don't talk to her. And once again, it feels like - "mommy, tell me a story" 
I haven't responded to her request.

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

I wonder if it is part of what we do to feel good about ourselves.  I always felt guilty to even stand up for myself when she hung up on me, because I knew how much she hurt all the time.  I felt that that would make me a bad person. I think, now, that my hanging in there with her in spite of that actually kept her from growing.  I not only didnt help her, I probably hurt her.  It is awfully easy to lean on someone else if they will let you, and not learn to lean on yourself. 

You may have to be completely selfless and let yourself feel really badly about "abandoning" her.  And let her grow up.

I read these things that we have to own ourselves and love ourselves ,first. I remember when I "knew" that. I knew that it was my responsibility to support myself, emotionally. It was an imposition to expect another person to fill you up and also it would not work. Your power is supposed to be for you.
  If I only could have retained that lesson-- Boy, what a emotionally healthy person I  would be. All the "waste" that is my life would probably not have even happened such as marrying an abusive man., getting sick and all the other counterproductive things I have done   Anyway, when I read your post CB,it all came back to me about "health" in relationships.
  I always knew this intuitively. I was thinking about this today.
    When you get "screwed up", you have to move so far away from your intuition or it could not happen.
   I was thinking about the craziness that someone else COULD actually fill you up. You have to be really lost to yourself(IMO) to even be at that 'place"    . Just some thoughts as I try to mature . You are steps beyond me, CB                           Love  Ami

[Bella_French]

I completely relate, Certain Hope. The role you have with your friend is also one I know very well; its the role of `parent and therapist'.

I seem to attract people with these needs too (sometimes), and I think you described it well when you suggested that its kind of like an addiction and a `fix' for them. In recent years, i can name at least two bosses, and 3 female friends with whom I had these `style' of relationships, all of which fell apart when I started to assert minor self protective boundaries with those people .

I was a pretty slow learner when it came to boundaries, but think I started to *really* learn about them in my last job. Like how to communicate them clearly and tactfully, and how to be consistent even when the resulting `punishment' feels bad.

For the most part, I've found that if a relatonship gets to a point where I've felt the need to assert boundaries, its because the other person has no natural sense of respect. In response to boundaries, they usually have played kind of stupid and frustrating games for while in order to get what they want from me. When that didn't work, they went into `punishment mode', and when that didn't work, they eventually ended their relationship with me.

Boundaries are such hard work. I think the hardest thing about them is going through the games and punishment, in hope that the other person will eventually accept the new status quo. But that hope has never been realised for me, which kind of makes me feel sad.

Certain Hope, hugs to you. i am sorry that you are going thought this:)

 

[Certain Hope]

Dear CB,

What you've said has helped me to realize...
I think that if the receiving in this friendship had been more mutual, I wouldn't feel so used, but as it stands... I feel as though I've been almost a 2-dimensional cardboard cutout figure in this woman's mind. I've shared alot with her, but she doesn't receive it... and I don't mean only advice, but just everything in general.. things about myself, my family. If whatever I share doesn't directly relate to her immediate need at hand, it hits a rubber wall and bounces back empty. She doesn't even have any concept of how long we've been friends... I said to her, "Do you realize it's been over 3 years?"  She said she had no idea how long we've been talking.
 I don't think I'm real to her. Heck, I don't think she's real to herself.
And I'm pretty sure that you're right about my own involvement being rooted in my old method of feeling good about myself, CB. 
At this juncture, I feel guilty... because... I think that I've outgrown her. Knowing that causes me shame... almost as though I led her on... even though I truly didn't. I am thinking that I owe her an apology.
How did you end it with your friend after so many years, CB? Did you tell her not to contact you anymore? Did she try afterwards to restore the friendship? I'm getting emails now... "i miss u"...
Thank you so much ((((((CB)))))))

Dear Bella,

This has been a chronic, perennial problem for me, too...  the parent and therapist role... and I do recognize the elements of codependency on my own part... the enabling.  But seeing that and re-training myself to knock it off are two different matters. Right now, I don't trust myself to hold proper boundaries firmly in place if I allow this friendship to continue... because I need to learn more about how healthy friendships function... and I sure don't want to "practice" on her.
I'm sorry to hear that those with whom you've tried to establish healthy boundaries have refused to accept them (((((((Bella))))))). I really don't have much expectation that it'd work in this case, either... and that makes me sad, too.... and also, strangely relieved.  Thank you so much for your help!

Love,
Hope

[debkor]

Hope,

Deb, it really gets bad at times. If I don't respond to a couple emails, her communications get more and more childish... all in lower case letters, lots of abbreviations, like a text message. Next come the 1-liners: "are you all right?"  "hope you're ok"  "... love u"
And just before this last big spiel, she'd said, "I'm so glad we're friends and we can talk."
Then: whammo.  I shoulda known... it was a set-up. 
And now finally, this time I see (or at least it feels like this)... it's never been about being real friends... not even a mentor sort of relationship... just a matter of her getting her "fix".

Oh Hope I know it.  I didn't have the emails but I did get the real person with a 6yo shaky, in trouble, voice talking to me. That was bad. I didn't quite know what to do at the moment.
But it turned out to be another set-up.
and a Fix
and
she must grow up
on her own
without me
or anyone else
to be
the
FIX

Hope all I can say is I do not feel guilty about my decision and I did not tell her there would be no contact.  Things were really bad for awhile pretty much like you are feeling about your friend and how she is acting and speaking. 

My friend was screaming demands about someone and what they should do to accommodate her because she was sick (my butt) with the flu. Although she had no control over these people what so ever.  It was not going her way. Yet she was demanding it.  It was something that either she did it herself or it was not getting done. Yet continued to scream it will be done!!! Like she had some God Like Powers to make these people do what she wanted!  This went on for awhile of her screaming in my ear and demanding me to see it her way that I could not take it anymore and SCREAMED Shut up and get off your ASS and do it yourself if you want it done.

And that was that. LOL The end!!

And I do not feel guilty. 

Love
Deb

[Bella_French]

I understand Certain Hope - hugs back to you! I think I would feel exactly the same range of feelings you have described, if I were in your position.

 Perhaps one analogy would be its a bit like  inviting someone around for dinner at your home, and then having them interpret that as an invitation to move in with you (which would have been the last thing you expect, as you have invited people over for dinner before, and usually they go home afterwards and at some satge invite you around to dinner in return)

When your friend comes around again (thinking they are living at your place now) at first you think maybe they've only come for a visit, so you allow them to stay and welcome them with open arms. They start commenting on how nicely you've done the place up, and how wonderful you are for letting them stay, which makes you feel good inside, like you are a great hostess and friend. And you naturally think that by `stay' they mean `for little while' without realising that they mean `stay' as in forever. So you keep being a great hostess, and give them tea, cookies, and even let them have a nap on your bed.

Some time down the track, when your sense of space has been invaded and you are feeling totally drained as a hostess, you see the misunderstanding. You thought that you were being a good hostess, and then they would go home and maybe invite you to dinner some time. But they never did go back home, and now they are pleading `homelessness' and accusing you of kicking them out onto the streets.

Is that a good analogy, do you think? Its very close to how i felt when i was going through it, lol.

[Hopalong]

I think it's an amazing analogy, Bella.
Boy can you write.

hugs
Hops