note to N mother

[towrite]

I have been toying with the idea of writing my mother a note along the lines of "I just cannot tolerate any more of her disrespect towards me and if she wants to write me out of her will, that's fine with me."

Whaddya think?  An opinion someone, please.

[Certain Hope]

Dear towrite,

Just my personal opinion here...
I prefer:
"I will not interact with you in any way apart from a basis of mutual respect."

First things first, I think  

With love,
Hope

P.S.  You would likely have to define your terms to N, since neither "mutual" nor "respect" are in the N-vocabulary, imo.

[towrite]

Yes, thanks, CS. I will have to define terms with her. The note is more for me -  a definite limit-setting. Boundaries.

[JanetLG]

Towrite,

I did that with my NMum, just before I started NC. As Hope says, they don't know what you're on about. You would need to be VERY specific.

However, if you give exact examples of WHEN THEY WERE disrespectful, etc., etc., they'll say 'no I wasn't' and try to derail what you're trying to get over to them. If you DON'T give examples, they'll say 'what do you mean? It's just you being touchy,' etc.etc.

You can't win, IMO.

But yes, boundaries are good, if only so that YOU know you've set them.


Janet

[Iphi]

I guess for myself I'm tepid on the idea, if it was me doing it.  My thought is she is bound to react poorly from your perspective, but from her perspective it is just like kerosene on the fire and she will just love the opportunity to do all those things Ns do like rage, punish you and lash at you and smear your image to others etcetera and so on. 

I mean let's face it, whether you say so or not, an N with some money to leave in a will - it's just as if a terrorist had a hostage.  I read 3 different boards and the N-with-a-will issue comes up again and again.  Just last year my dad asked me to send him information on trust and estates attorneys and I sensed great danger.  I sent him some information with no letter and no comment and never, ever, neverever mentioned it again. 

I know you are telling her to go jump in a lake with that money, but whether you make a statement or not - she'll always be trying to get to you and hold it over your head and hold you for ransom (and she's got the ransom money).  And let's face it, we are never going to see a dime because what N on this green earth could resist depriving us of it in a last gesture to drive their point home, always the same point?

I think that from an Ns perspective your strong and assertive statement is no different to them than all the other times we have gone against them, whether we even knew we were going against them or not.  You know, like being happy and accomplishing something for ourselves, for example. 

So if I made a statement I wouldn't mention any wills because she will jump on that like a monkey on a banana.  And for me, I wouldn't make a statement at all.  As far as boundaries are concerned, I am in the No See Um school.  They are suddenly *there* with no advanced warning and no helpful signposts.  Ive come to the conclusion, in direct contrast to my Ndad's belief, that I'm not here to help my N, guide, support or advise them.  Especially I am not here to help them beat on me.  They'll need to do that the hard way.

[isittoolate]

For what my opinion is worth, I suggest no letter.

Whatever you would write might indicate that you are "starting something"

Just Begin No Contact and stick to it.

Should she contact you to see why you have not contacted her you can, if it's a letter, return it unopened

Should she telephone you to ask what is going on, One comment that it was the beginning of No Contact, because it is healthier for you, 'bye. and hang up

How does that sound? fit in?

[Hopalong]

I ditto Iphi

Especially I am not here to help them beat on me.

and Izzy...

Why give her an opening to do more damage?

I think silent retreat is the most powerful and self-protective thing you can do.
And open the will can o' worms as you will. It backfired on me in that it gave her
the opportunity to manipulate, tease and torment me about it for several years.
(She knew I had huge anxiety about being able to afford to stay in this town,
because I'd been laid off^x4 and had huge job instability after I moved here),
 although after
a confrontation in which I asked not to "get" the house, but to have my
mother just TELL me how it would be settled (so I could make some security
plans for either contingency)...anyway, after all that, she did decide I could inherit it
and my brother could inherit the contents. She even said one night, while I was on the floor
cutting her toenails or something with my back killing me..."now I realize it
truly is fair to leave you the house." But it was years in resolving, and a high cost.

Anyway, for all those reasons...I fear your engineering a negative encounter,
which is imo how she would interpret your message.

Then again, you'd be stuck screening calls, etc... I don't know what's right for you.

I hope this helps, just as grist for the mill...

hugs
Hops

[JanetLG]

Towrite,

If it helps..(Probably won't, but...)

I know that I've been cut out of my NMum's Will. I haven't ever spoken to her about it, but other relatives have told me so (possibly 'sent' by her to gauge my reaction??)

Anyway, I don't give a damn about her tainted money. It isn't worth thinking about. She'll leave it to Golden Child NSister of mine, and good riddance to both the money and the sister.

I'd advise you, really, to forget about the money without mentioning it. Bad money never did anyone any good.

Janet

[towrite]

Thanks everyone. More grist for the mill.

[Bella_French]

My mother plays those games too towrite.

To answer your question, my gut (and experience) tells me that N's are not people you can negotiate with, without backing up everything you say with actions. So if we say `I am not playing your game any more'  as far as they are concerned, we are still in the `game' because we're communicating with them.

Good luck; I know its so hard to deal with a Mum like this, and worrying about your inheritance too. The money side of things is oddly confronting, isn't it?

X bella

[isittoolate]

and Izzy...

Why give her an opening to do more damage?

Hops?

I didn't do this, but if I did, please quote my words--Here!

Thanks
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

and Izzy...

Why give her an opening to do more damage?

Hops?

I didn't do this, but if I did, please quote my words--Here!

Thanks
Izzy

Misunderstanding, Iz...

Hops was ditto-ing you... she just didn't write "ditto" again. See? She ditto-ed Iphy and you both. Dittoded? Dittodified? Oh, wutevah! 

Love,
Hope

P.S.  I am NOT a fixer. Oh no, I am not. 

[isittoolate]

Thanks Hopw.


I expect that answer from Hops.

She left me wide open with the..................

to carry on

[Certain Hope]

Thanks Hopw.


I expect that answer from Hops.

She left me wide open with the..................

to carry on

Yup yup.. permission to carry on, Ma'am...

lol

I expect hugs when it's all over 

Love,
Hope

[Bella_French]

Izzy, thats how I saw it too. Hops was agreeing with you. You made a good point!

Janet, that is so sad that you've been cut out of the will, and that the relatives know about it. But like you said,telling your relatives could be still part of the game of trying to control you. Maybe you'll wind up in the will anyway, and you could probably contest it.

I feel that money is so nice to have, but I guess I see my parent's money as theirs, because they earned it. If they want to try to play silly control games with it, and damage all their close relationships thats their choice. I don't really see it is as mine. I see it is as my responsibility to earn my own money. Though its a nice fantasy, having wealthy parents who support and love me:)


X Bella