Are Still Blaming Others For Your Unhappiness???

[gratitude28]

One thing I learned and am still learning is that although I have to take in account that my family is not fun and was and is nasty... they are not responsible for how I feel NOW. I choose how much to let them affect me and I choose how much contact to have with them. Lately I have talked to them too much and it is affecting me - time to make a change. My parents and sister will not interfere with the happiness I have with my family as long as I keep them at bay.
Are you allowing the nuts in your tree to still control your happiness? If so, why. If not, how????
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

My exposure to them is limited to snail-mail, for the most part, but that alone used to be able to shake me up quite thoroughly.
There may be a visit from my parents later this year... I am neither inviting nor encouraging that, but my Dad keeps hinting.
Their last couple visits (over the past 2 years) have put me into an emotional state which I can only describe as flat.
Oddly, when we traveled to visit them in their home about 6 weeks ago, I felt much more like "me" than when they come here and invade my space. Not sure what that's about.

Not answering your question, am I. I'd have to say, at this point, they are not controlling my happiness because I don't expect anything from them. Is that too simple?
Apparently, when they come here, I still do have some expectations (expecting to get run over and my space contaminated), so then I turn off emotions completely and go back into robot mode.

To me, the key has been to put them into their place... apart from "me" - whoever that is, which, outside of the context of my faith is still an open-ended question.

Sorry if that doesn't help, but still sorting this one   Thanks for the opportunity to think aloud!

Love,
Hope

[gratitude28]

I was hoping for some stream of conciousness stuff
Love, Beth

[lighter]

I can see how changing your expectations would help you deal with family, Beth.  

It was odd to hear it used in the way you referenced it though, for some reason.

::looking at coffee mug filled with coffee and ice cream:::

Hmmmm..... maybe it's me, lol.....

But your trying to drop negative expectations of your FOO, while some/I'm trying to adopt/develop more accurate/negatve ones......

is curious.  

What you're referencing is your emotional state and staying in balance when you expect a visit.... when they're in your space.  

Not their actual behavior or treatment of you.

::sigh::  Very intersting

[Certain Hope]

I was hoping for some stream of conciousness stuff
Love, Beth

lol... hey, that's about all I'm good for with only 1 cuppa coffee under my belt.
 

Honestly, I don't know how it's supposed to feel, Beth... they simply are what/who they are and I just have to learn how to accept that without losing my perspective - my sense of how it should be - in the process.

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
   I can give an honest answer ,even though it is not a "good " answer. My parents controlled my happiness since I gave up my authentic self at 14. Then, they were my inner life. I moved away at 20, but I might as well have been there.
  I was a prisoner as real as any actual prisoner. I was not "me". I was 'her".If I did not believe in God, I could not face that I have ruined my life from 14 until now. I was not 'there". I made bad choices- marrying an N(ish?) man, being abused and staying, going in to a shell , getting sick and giving up my 'specialness. I could never face it if I did not see that it brought me to God . It was worth it to me for this.
  However,NOW--- What do I do? I am a broken person. I can say that the big thing that has given me hope is the "inner child' thread.This type of therapy makes sense to me b/c you are unearthing you. I don't want other people to "give' me theories. I have enough theories,as it is. I want to find the lost person,inside.
   Beth, I don't know if this resonates with you ,but I think that I am on my way,now.I am making sense of how I got so lost and am finding a path back.                     Love    Ami

[isittoolate]

Hi Beth,
No I am not.

I built a fence and moved all the screwballs to the other side. No one is allowed over on my my side unless I say so.

My brother and sister were here for 2 days last weekend and it was great! This time they were on my territory and all went well. My brother can cross the fence any time he wants to. The sister and others all require permission.

I made a positive sentence to think, if and when the others came to mind.

1 for my daughter
1 for my famly, and
1 for me

and I have felt so much better since.

Love
Izzy

[Poppyseed]

I think that over the years I have played the blame game. Sadly, I think I played it a lot. It was my FOO's fault that I was messed up and emotionally crippled.  It was my IL's fault for so many other things.  My H's fault that I wasn't happy.  If he struggled I struggled.  The enmeshment I realize now, that i invited it and allowed it to continue.  I allowed them to define me, deflate me, and control me.    I have also been trapped by being an applause junkie.  Needing my N families acceptance and validation.  Needing all of them to change, my H to change before I could embrace happiness.  Spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my victimhood.    I don't think healthy people put up with their crap or in this case, my codep crap for a minute.

What I am realizing is that for so long the captains chair of my life was either empty or waiting for someone to take that leading role.  Wanted for so long for parents who would take the lead.  Didn't have that.  Looked everywhere for someone to love me, teach me, take me to the happy place with them.  I am realizing that I must  now sit in that seat. Wear the hat.  OWN IT!   And drive myself to the happy place.  No more waiting for someone else to take me.  I need to be the CEO.  Cheif decision maker as I create the concept of my life.  Create my own happiness.  I guess for the most part if someone were to ask me who I was , I may have to say "I don't know yet".  But I do know that I no longer blame these people in my life for my pain.  I have made so many choices in my life that led me to characterize my life in terms that have allowed me to be controlled by the winds and whimsie of the N's and others.  Now, I don't want that anymore.  I don't want the blaming to be their.  It shifts the responsibility to them and gives power to them.  I am trying now to take responsibility for how I choose to interact with and how I recieve the world, including all the painful people I may find as I go.  I don't know if I have any answers.  But I do know that I don't want my circumstances or other peoples opinions to define my worth and determine my happiness anymore. 

I suppose I have a long way to go in the pursuit.  But I think I am finally getting some traction with my efforts.  And as I learn about real happiness, I am sure that it is the following of correct principles that brings happiness.  Not the pushes and pulls of different people.  Maybe what I am realizing is that the happiness I long for is right there waiting for me to take it up.  It is laying open for me in abundance!  It is not in the hands of others to give or withhold it from me at their will.   Who I am right now is such a fluid concept.  Not sure where I will land.  But I do know that the "others" in my life won't have sway on my outcomes.  That is happy to me.

--pop

[Certain Hope]

Wow, Poppyseed...  Can I ever feel your traction!
What you've described has been my circumstance, as well... just never realized how very much I'd chosen this path... or why.

In my opinion, you have made some excellent observations and wise new decisions here, and I'm committed to the same, with you all the way!

You go, Sister Pops!! 

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

WOW!  This is quite the topic!

I think what I've found about myself, is that ultimately, I will NOT allow others to determine my inner happiness, but sometimes the way they treat me, influences how I will react/respond in that moment.

First of all, with my N'ish daughter, Anna, I have learned that we get along fine if I just let her talk to me and I don't make any statements about my view about what she is saying...the key in this is to ask GENTLE questions and not state ANYTHING to her.  As soon as I dare to say "well, I don't think that you and Robert should be sleeping together" or "i'm concerned that your boyfriend will abuse you in the marriage one day"...well, that sets her immediately into "false self protection mode."  That's when she will defend him, lie to me, justify the abusive actions, swear to "god" that nothing is going on, and alternately begin ripping me apart "character-wise" saying things like "well, you're too STUPID to know what is really going on"  "you don't KNOW Robert so you just need to shut up"  "I'm not going to be dumb like you and marry a loser like dad" etc, etc, etc.

Further, with the other dysfunctionals in my life, I have learned to AVOID CONTACT as much as possible, other than what is needed to interract in daily life.  I don't CHOOSE to hang around with abusers, so I simply do NOT.  I am married to a mental "case" however, and at times, I have to remind myself that this man, my husband, is not "playing with a full deck" and therefore, is unable to think about how his actions are affecting others and unable to CARE how they are too.

So, for the most part, I CHOOSE how I feel about things in life.  I do not let others define me or determine what sort of overall day I'm going to have.  That's MINE.  That's up to ME.  My day belongs to the Lord and myself, period.  There is no human being worth that much to me, that I will allow them to decide my deepest feelings...I have God and a journal for that part of who I am.

~Laura