ARRRRGH!!!!!!!! N SPLITTING CRISIS

[spyralle]

I NEED TO SHOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND YELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There i was, all excited because today I went to a creative writing workshop and felt totally inspired..  I got home feeling good abpout myself and THERE IT WAS!!!!! sitting on the doormat....  A letter from NMum to my daughter.. Now for those who didn't read my last post or don't remember I had sent a letter to my mum to tell her about the money that ex N had taken from me..  She had sent me a letter back calling me wicked etc..  I didn't respond unitl this week when I felt sad that she had no news of K's new baby so I made her an album full of photos and sent a letter saying I was sorry that she felt that way but laying some firm boundaries...  As she lives in Spain she will not have received that letter yet..

i did a bad thing and opened the letter... as I dreaded what she had to say..  I have told K that I did this and she totally understood..  Anyway here is her letter to my daughter and her partner...  bearing in mind the last absolutely abusive letter she sent to me..

Dear K and Z,

I'm sure by now that your baby boy has arrived on the scene hopefully enhancing your already blissful existence.  I'm sure he is very beautiful and can only hope he is both a healthy and contented baby.  I hope also Katie that you didn't have too bad a time of it and are thinking that it was all worth it.  Like I say, I can only hope.

Along with this letter I am sending a congratulatory card and baby's own teddy angel, as we all believe in those don't we.  Oh I do hope your baby is a happy child and brings you only joy.

I'm not sending you any money at this point to be spent on bits and bobs but when the time comes for you to buy a property I shall help you financially with your deposit..

Naturally I'm dying to see and hold your little baby and hear all about the birth but at this time it would be enough to know that you are well and that there are no problems.  I'm glad also that you have Z's family to stand by.

I'm not coming to England as my visits bode no good for anyone and only end in disaster.  However, do always bear in mind that there is a lady in Spain who loves you and prays for you all.

God bless you all Nana xxx

K listened to the letter quietly..  She was the one who opened the other letter and was very hurt by it.  It's like they were written by two different people..  It's like I don't exist.  Is she trying to cut me out of my own family now

I'm off in search of the first letter then you can see the difference....

Spyralle x

[spyralle]

Spyralle,

How dare you touch that house investment!!!  It wasn't yours.  It was a gift of a lifetime from Uncle X and I to help you and K - Not some other bloody Rubbish you 'pick up' as you gpo along.  I don't know about therapy.  You need cerifying.  What the hell do you mean you are buying K a cot and blankets when you've given 27,000 of an investment of which half belonged to K.  That's good of you!!!  That investment should never have been realised, only in a better investment for bricks and mortar.  I could have killed you when I opened that letter.  You wouldn't sign the house over to him you say because it's K's - What is K's??? A bloody debt of £50,000 - you are insane

A pools win!!! How often do we have that in any family and you dare to realise it into pound notes to pay of the debt of someone Uncle X and I don't know!!!  What the bloody hell do you think I've worked so hard all my life for.  I have a grandchild - Your own daughter, acting as a waitress - running around some establishment to earn a pittance and you are harbouring bums and God knows who and I am paying to make your home better for these people for you to go out and keep them.

My Grandaughter (She hasn't seen her since 2001 - Was her birthday in June - no card) is now having to pay rent on a one bedroomed flat for her little baby. How dare you, you wicked woman.  Better you realised the money for a deposit for a house for that young pair and their baby

DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT!!!
A BLOODY COT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This afternoon I have screamed aloud in this flat to ease the pain of what you have done.  I have phoned Uncle X and we have cried together on the phone.  When you go back to square one you drag me with you.  What's the matter with you.  Can't you see what you have done.  Money sent from heaven to keep us and you give it to the devil.

Look, You get in touch with that solicitor and explain - Ask him what are the chances of retreiving some of that money.  I can't live with this situation

How many people of your age have no mortgage - you stupid stupid woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I thought you had grown up and you are still breaking me up.  I want to come to England because I would like to speak to Z (my daughter's boyfriend who she has never met!) I can't trust you Spyralle.  You have always been deceptful and told me lies.  You won't alter now, but I would like to see Z and K.  Try and arrange for some time when I can come and I'll book a flight.

I've told you that a friend of a friend - a gypsy woman once looked at my palm and refused to read it.  She said "you wouldn't want to know".  I'm not supersticious but I live in dread of what's coming next.  I keep thinking - 'When will there be any peace for me'  My friend M says Your purgatory is on this earth V!!!!!!!

And this on top of a horrendous two months.  Horrible trouble also with your brother's family.  all I feel is that I help and get no joy.  Now I'm crying again.  Oh God Help Me!!!!  In my 76th year and still no peace.

..........................................................................

So there it is. She didn't even send my daughter a card on her birthday in June before all this.  Just for the record.  I have a lot of equity in my house and it would be my daughters in a second if she needed it.  She is so happy making her own way with her boyfriend and they love their flat and are working together whilst me and his mum support them in the background.  Isn't that how it should be.  I guess I put that title on my post because 2 years ago I was in a desperate place.  I don't want to go back there again.....

Spyralle x

[Certain Hope]

(((((((Spyralle)))))))

Every bit of that first letter to you sounds like what my mother would like to say to me, if she weren't so prim and proper.

Every bit of her letter to K sounds like what my mother actually writes to hide her hideous control-freakery and contempt for others.

Where you are, Spyralle... with your equity in your home... your love and care for your new grandchild and your tender, supportive relationship with your daughter... that is reality!

All I can say is, Congratulations to YOU!

With much love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Spy,
 I remembered your first letter. I think that it is a "common" device for them to try to turn people against each other. I think that it is a common tactic.
  Spy, she just is hateful . The person who gets it the worst is her D.
  I am so, so sorry that you have her for a mother.(((((((((((((((((((((((Spy))))))))))))))))))   Love   Ami
 

[JanetLG]

Spyralle,

I am so, so sorry. I'd only just read your other post about how great a day you've had at the creative writing course, and I thought 'Good, that sounds like something really positive's happening there!'

Then this.

What a bitch she is. How manipulative. As you say, it's as if she's two different people...or is she? Reading through the 'baby' letter, she's still slagging you off, but in such a low-key, almost-not-there, kind of way. She's biting her tongue not to mention your name, but it's just simmering under the surface. She's so angry, it's palpable. Put with the livid 'house' letter, it DOES sound like the same person, but on two slightly different levels - manic and a-bit-more-controlled-manic. With my NMum, if anything, I used to prefer the manic, because that 'poor me, after all I've done for you, I just don't understand where I went wrong' stuff used to make me want to slap her.

Can you go properly NC with her? She sounds like a nightmare.


Janet

PS You are a good mother, despite not being shown how to do it by your own mother!!

[Hopalong]

Spyralle...

Yuuggghh. I keep thinking the "I can only hope" was such a negative, twisting phrase that undercut the "positive" message.

Iggghh. I couldn't help but read it as: "I hope not".  I hope NOT that:
your lives are blissful
he is beautiful
birth didn't hurt
you know it's worth it

Eeerrgggh.

She's awful, Spy.

Don't worry about K. She's got happy reasons to move forward and embrace life, and so do you.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Spyralle...

Yuuggghh. I keep thinking the "I can only hope" was such a negative, twisting phrase that undercut the "positive" message.

Iggghh. I couldn't help but read it as: "I hope not".  I hope NOT that:
your lives are blissful
he is beautiful
birth didn't hurt
you know it's worth it

Eeerrgggh.

She's awful, Spy.

Don't worry about K. She's got happy reasons to move forward and embrace life, and so do you.

Hops

Hops, Spyralle,

I got that same sense of it but dismissed the notion... because in that letter to K, she writes very much like my mother-in-law has written to me.
Almost like what she's after is to draw out all the painful stuff... to pick all the scabs and make them bleed... to convince herself that she's right and and fully warranted to maintain her (obscured) view that all of life is a miserable waste and nothing but sorrow upon sorrow...

Eeerrgggh, indeed 

And this:  "Naturally I'm dying to see and hold your little baby and hear all about the birth" ...
I heard as:
"If I were a caring human being, this is how I think I should feel..."

Methinks she doth protest too much.

Love,
Hope

[finding peace]

(((((Spyralle)))))

I see that letter as the perfect example of gaslighting.

Go ahead and SHOUT, SCREAM, and YELL.  My heart goes out to you - it is exactly the sort of manipulative game that my M would play - sending me an obviously hate-filled nasty letter, then sending a letter that attempts to be superficially "nice-nice" (gagging here) with the hidden messages that just try to twist that knife in deeper and deeper.   

(AAARRRrrrrrggggghhh - screaming with you)

Peace

[spyralle]

Authentic - discarded, unimportant, violated, used, denied a voice, gaslighted, rejected, labeled -- retraumatized.

Yep again and again and again....... x  Though I am hanging on in here I WILL NOT BE RE TRAUMATISED BY THISI WILL NOT!!!!!!! I have a voice and I am screaming from the rooftops...!!!!!!

You guys are right of course the letter is full of sarcasm and distortion.  Hops you are spot on when you say she wishes it was the other way around..  She would love nothing more than for me to be a crap mother or their lives not to be blissfull then she saould come to the rescue with money and save the day therefore controlling everyone in the process.  When K was a little girl and used to get a bit cheeky, my nmum would have this wry smile on her face and would try to collude with k against me..  She loves the thought of K hating me or me not being a good enough mother..

She cuts me out of their lives in that letter over and over again like I don't even exist i.e. "I'm glad also that you have Z's family to stand by". what she means is because your mother is so crap...

I love my child I have loved her fro the minute she was conceived..  I may have made stupid mistakes but she always always knows how much I love her and that I am there for her.  She watches my back and I watch hers and my mother hates hates hates that... Lol Janet you are so right... She is biting her tongue not to spit out my name with total venom....  Hope thankyou for reminding me of my reality.... she doesn't know it because she narcissisticly believes my reality is her fantasy..

Thanks for the hugs guys... they were sorely needed..

Spyralle xxxxxxxx

[Ami]

Dear Spy,
  My M always tried to turn my sons against me( subtly). She hated that I had good kids (and a good dog.)  They( N mothers) are despicable. You are doing great holding your own. Don't let her get you down. You have come too far ,. Spy
   I remember how bad you felt a while back. I don't want you to go back to that dark place again. It is NOT, NOT ,NOT your fault.
 .Don't let her destroy you. She already stole enough of your life   Love  Ami

[spyralle]

You are right of course amy...  It's like a silent battle I have with myself not to let it happen...  I have so many old behaviours engrained in me though when it comes to my reaction to her..  I was just sitting here just totally wounded over her comment that they are lucky that Z's family are standing by...   Like I just don't exist..  Like I have not worked my guts out for years to make sure my daughter never went without anything....  I then I just get angry at myself for trying to justify myself..

I need to get to a point where I do not even need to do that to myself.

Spyralle x

[Ami]

Dear Spy,
   You are doing a dance with her. She has her moves and you have yours. She "knows" where to hurt you. She is a" pro-"- a virtuosos-on pulling you in to the dance.
  I had a huge insight about this,today.
  We are in a tug of war with them. We, both, are hanging on to the rope.
  I guess that our side of it is wanting love and validation from our mother. It is normal to want this.Their side of it is USING our very normal need and killing us with it.
  That is the problem. WE want normal things-- love, approval, validation---, from our mothers.
  They are sick and distorted. They take our normal needs and turn them in to a club and beat us to death with it.
   Your 'job" is to see the dance. Then, you will be better able not to jump in to it.
   I am afraid that if you jump in to it, you will go down again. You have been doing SO well, Spy.
  I think that this is a pivotal time for you.. Keep writing.she already STOLE enough from you, Spy.     Love    Ami

[changing]

MY gypsy says that M's purgatory is coming soon, and it is to run with the bulls in Pamploma eternally  day and night until she shuts her vicious maw up and treats my friend Spy properly!

The evil drivel in Ms letters is a last-ditch attempt at control. Really, you and your daughter are FREE- this weak and twisted old woman is trying to control you through pain, shame and guilt, and your daughter through holding out a promise of money in the future (with the implication that you are out of the picture). These are weak chains that you can break. Not like the eternal bonds of love, that you share with your daughter and your grandbaby, my most fortunate Spy.

Tell M to get her running shoes on- the bulls are waiting! In the meantime, you enjoy your lovely baby and daughter and revel in the joys of your life!!!!

Hugs,

Changing

[changing]

Spy-

I hope you are doing well today, after the shock of that horrible letter. I am thinking of you, and am sending you love and hugs!!

Changing

[spyralle]

Lol at Changing and the bulls of Pamploma!!!  Thanks for that Changing..  You are right I know.  It always goes back to the same thing with me though, even when the evidence is slapping me around the face like a wet fish..  there is always a part of me that wonders if I have got it wrong..  Is she right about me.  I am getting better but it still lurks around in the back of my mind causing indecision and hesitation.

Spyralle x