Continued....
Next you mention the family therapy. I received a letter from you, stating that it was very important to you that all of the family attend two sessions. Apparently you had already attended six sessions alone, and it is my opinion that your intention was to poison the mind of the therapist before he had even met the rest of us. To your surprise, this attempt failed and he remained neutral. However, he did make the point that it was wrong that I had been excluded from my own bedroom. You claimed, ”I need my space”, and he asked you, “What about Kay? Doesn’t Kay need space?”. You were unable to answer, of course, and looked very sheepish.
As I was about three and a half months’ pregnant at the time of the family therapy{
I did not know this at the time}, I was not entirely happy about putting myself through something which I knew would be distressing. However, it was what you had said you wanted, therefore, I put you first and went along. I have to say I found it so traumatic that after the first session I came home and just could not stop crying. Steve told me not to bother going back for the second session, but I felt I had to. So I did go back and became very upset all over again. The very next day I started to lose the baby. The hospital would not give me a scan and I had to wait for THREE WEEKS to find out whether or not I had lost the baby. During that time I had been told I must have complete bed rest. You have no comprehension of what I went through, having jeopardised the pregnancy, for you, in the first place, and then having to wait three weeks to find out whether or not I was still pregnant. Family and friends were informed of the situation, and I received cards, chocolates, flowers, as well as offers to get my shopping, look after Clive etc.. The message had been incorrectly conveyed to you {
there WAS no message, incorrect or not}, and as far as you were aware, I HAD lost the baby. Even with this information, and it being obvious that you were the direct cause, you were THE ONLY ONE who did not bother to contact me. As far as I am concerned, that is unforgivable and inexcusable.
At the family therapy I must admit, I was very surprised to hear that the “crime” you think I committed against you was that, at the age of thirteen I apparently told you I was fatter than you. That’s it! (So what?) I still find it hard to believe. The only other crime of course is that I refused to be bullied into taking your side in all of this.
You say, “the safest thing to for me to do, to protect my health, was to withdraw from her for good”. Personally, I think the only reason you chose to withdraw from all of us is because we all remember what you were really like: unlike Chris, WE WERE THERE. The fact that you have clearly lost this argument makes you look rather silly. So, rather than stick around, or (God forbid) admit that you are wrong, you have chosen to disown us all. You have even disowned your friend, Ann, though I have no idea what you regard as her “crime”. Probably just the fact that you know she can see how wrong you are. She said, “One day Janet will be sorry”.{
This deserves a thread of its own - my NSister 'brainwashed' my best friend}
Your comment regarding your wedding, “threatening not to come” is totally ridiculous and simply never happened. During the run-up to your wedding, there was already a distinct atmosphere between you and all of us, though none of us knew why you were being so deliberately distant. We were, as always, terrified of upsetting you. You had made it clear that you did not want me as your bridesmaid (though I knew nothing at that time of my comment at 13 regarding your weight). You had chosen to exclude all of us, so we just accepted it.
The fact that you only remember Mummy saying “Doesn’t Kay look nice?” indicates that you are jealous of me and always have been. Why? Because I am so normal. {
} (That’s ‘boring’ to you). In spite of you, I have succeeded in bringing up two wonderful children, and also have had a successful career, both before and since having the children. I have studied to further my education, and use my qualifications in my everyday work in the senior role of Financial Controller for a multi-million pound company{
translated, this means she works for a bank}. Not bad for someone with just the two speeds! In one of your articles {
on my website for my business}you stated that you do not believe in judging people by their job titles. Presumably this is because you joined the library as a Junior at 16, and left, a Junior at 30.
You refer to “the behaviour of a caring mother”. No-one could have been more caring. In my opinion, because of your anorexia, you were molly-coddled and spoilt in the very extreme. You had no consideration for anybody but yourself, and you have grown into the most self-important, socially incompetent person I have ever met. Even after you had left home, you still had her running around you, doing all your decorating, driving you to work on icy mornings when your car would not start. You would not hesitate to ask her to get out of bed when she had just finished a night shift, and drive you to work. If anyone is uncaring, sadly it has to be you. Also, if you had really left home, as you claim, “to get away from her”, then why on earth were you continually asking her to come round? Sorry but this is just another one of your lies.
Next we come to “misunderstandings” and “areas where we differed”. The real problems arose if anyone DARED to hold a different opinion from you! Remember the plans for a double wedding? You and Pete were going to get married with Steve and me. You and Pete came round to us one night, and you and I sat down to discuss what kind of a wedding we wanted, or rather, what you wanted. I was quite easy-going with most of the arrangements, but we differed on the colour of the dress. You wanted cream and I wanted white. At first you tried to convince me that cream was better, but when I refused to come round to your way of thinking you became very aggressive. All sorts of insults came hurtling from your mouth and I was left speechless. The one that sticks in my mind the most is “You’ll look awful anyway because you’re too thin. You said once that you were fatter than me. Well now I’m fatter than you and I’m going to make you pay!”. With that I suggested it would be best if you left. You strutted to the door in one of your tantrums and told me to “F*** off!”{
I don't EVER use that word}. This is typical of the adult way in which you deal with a “difference of opinion”. It is clear you are incapable of a compromise.
I have already covered the quite comical and indeed childlike way that you chose to inform Alf of the affair, of which he was already aware. It is interesting that you blame your anorexia on this affair, when in fact you had already been anorexic for two years before Mummy had even met Mike! Also, at the time, you said your anorexia was caused by the fact that you were afraid of growing up{
no, I never said that}.
The relationship you had with Daddy was totally unaffected by the affair, because you had already chosen to stop speaking to him long before that. This is possibly because you disapproved of his smoking and excessive drinking, you found it infuriating that he would over-rule your choice of television programme, and the fact that his temper could at times, be even worse than yours. Please do not pretend you ever were forced to “collude”. It just never happened. Michael and I also knew about the affair, with no effect whatsoever on our mental health OR our relationship with Daddy. Both of us usually visit him every week. If your relationship with him is “quite distant” even now, then that is your own fault for not bothering to visit or pick up the phone. Do not try to blame others for your own inadequacies.
You say Daddy was “ignored for years”. What goes on between a married couple is no concern of the children. There are two sides. They simply were not suited and it is not your place to judge.
You do have a “normal, caring, mother”, but it is unfortunate that she does not have a “normal, caring daughter” in you. It is very sad that some babies are born without an arm, or a leg, or in your case, something lacking in your personality, but you cannot blame your family. It is also very sad that you feel you must play the victim and invent lies to get attention. No-one ever told you that you were ugly, although you seem to think it is acceptable for you to say it to me.
You mention “changing” and “accommodating”. We all had to change while you were around, not mentioning this and mustn’t mention that, in case we should upset you. We were forever accommodating you and your strange needs. For example, when I first told you I was expecting Clive, you scowled in disgust, tutted, groaned and repeatedly told me I was a “silly cow” {
this is an interesting comment, as it was my NMUM who said this, not me}. Bearing in mind that this was a planned pregnancy, that I had lived with Steve for seven years and had been married for six months, I think any normal sister would have been pleased. Not you. You would not allow me to speak about the pregnancy or the baby, or anything to do with it at all. If I dared to mention it, you would sigh, roll your eyes, then say, “Is that the time? I must be going”. Furthermore, when Clive was born, you were the only family member who would not come round to meet him. When you eventually arrived, after about a week, you refused to even look at him, and were still clearly uncomfortable about the whole situation. There was never any improvement on this, and in spite of several attempts to encourage you to behave normally towards him, you never acknowledged his existence. In order to accommodate your hang-up regarding children, when visiting the bungalow with Clive as a baby, I would lay him on a cushion behind me and sit in front of him (hiding him from you!) so as not to upset you. In retrospect I very much regret this, as he is by far more important than you.
Another way of accommodating you was the way in which the bedroom rules had been set. Due to your impossible personality, I was only allowed in OUR bedroom between the hours of 9pm and 9am. I doubt if you realise just how much damage this caused me. Apart from not having my own “space”, I was unable to have a record-player. This meant I was unable to develop my own taste in music. Also, there was nowhere I could try out different clothes to see what suited me, or try out make-up, which are all part of developing your own style and an important part of adolescence. There was nowhere for me to bring friends back to. This in itself created a huge barrier for me, because the last thing kids want is to sit in their friend’s living room with parents around; they want somewhere private. You had these things and I did not. I was also not allowed to put any posters on our wall, because “Janet doesn’t like them”. Your side of the bedroom was covered, edge to edge, in posters of the Beatles and other pictures of your choice, but none on my side. Poor Janet! This is not the same picture you paint, is it? Is it any wonder I decided to move out at the age of eighteen? I was being stifled!
You go on to say that Mummy has caused you “years of unhappiness” which simply is not true, as I have already proved previously when I explained how you repeatedly contacted her for many years after you had left home.
Your husband “wants to make you happy too”. I have my doubts about this one. It is extremely unusual for a daughter to cut off all contact with her own mother. The fact that Chris’s first wife ALSO cut off all contact with her mother{
no, she didn't}, arouses my suspicions. I remember when this all first happened, you yourself had agreed on the phone to me, to have a meeting to discuss a reconciliation, but Chris phoned me back ten minutes later to tell me he had talked you out of it, as HE felt it was a bad idea. He was certainly instrumental in the split.
If Chris were to keep contacting Mummy, telling her to apologise for something you had imagined, he would only make himself look a complete fool for believing such utter drivel.
You say you have “two lovely step-children”. Just to clarify this point, do not forget that they were not children when you met Chris, but teenagers, almost adults, who spent the majority of their time with their mother and not Chris. Anyone reading your email might be mistaken in thinking you were involved in nappy-changing, etc.. In fact you would not have looked twice at Chris if the children had been small.
As for the “sarcasm and criticism”, this only ever came from you, as I have already proved. If our family was “dysfunctional”, then it was partly due to Daddy’s mental problems and drinking, but most of it was you, your foul temper and your anorexia, and of course the way you used it to your advantage.
You will never comprehend the unconditional love that a mother has for her children. This is the reason you have been allowed to use yours as a doormat for far too long. It is remarkable how she has endured your malicious behaviour, and the fact that she was still prepared to make amends is only to be admired. I am so relieved that my children are nothing like you. They are both level-headed, caring, well-balanced and cheerful. You have missed seeing them grow and that is very much your loss.
Having seen your website, it would appear you enjoy playing the victim. You paint this picture of a poor, neglected, lonely child, begging for attention. Is this to try to get more business? In an article, you are described as “playing alone in a field with your dolls”. This never happened. For a start it was an old, disused airfield, which we were not allowed to play in anyway. You never went there alone, and we certainly never took dolls there because it was so filthy! What ARE you thinking? You pretend I would not allow you to play with my dollshouse. Firstly, it was a bit of cardboard! Secondly, you would have played with whatever you wanted: I certainly could not have stopped you. Thirdly, I used to BEG you to play with me, but you always refused. Remember “I’ll play with you at 3 O’clock”? It became a standing joke because you would promise to play with me, make me wait all day, then when Mummy said, “It’s 3 O’clock, Janet, are you going to play with her now?”, you would take great pleasure in shouting, ”NO!”. My patience is running out, and if you continue to publish your lies about me or my family, on the internet or in magazines, or anywhere else, whether you have mental problems or not, I will take legal action against you.
Finally, I want to say that I will not be contacting you again. I, for one, do not forgive you and do not want to have you back in our family. I prefer the relaxed atmosphere we have now, without you, where we can speak our minds and be ourselves, without having to pussyfoot around a self-important, bad-tempered, spoilt brat.
Yours sincerely
{Janet's NSister}
P.S. I recently read a “thought for the day” which was very appropriate to you. It read, “When everyone around you fails to measure up, it’s time to check your yard stick”! "
>>>
I started to add comments to this copied email here, along the lines of 'this bit isn't true', but I was putting it EVERYWHERE!!
You'll just have to use your N-aware imaginations, and think if that kind of thing is LIKELY to have been the truth, or not!
Janet
PS Sorry I'm such a horrible, manipulative, heartless bitch
