I know you don't... but...

[Certain Hope]

I want my kids to see for themselves how my parents are - I don't want to put any ideas in their heads. So we are having this "vacation" with them this week. They have already cut it down to three days (I should be thankful and am, but I also know it's because they don't like me). They are coming for three days during the week and then leaving early on Sat to go ont heir vacation with their friends. My son is so disappointed. He thought they were coming to spend a week with him. Like I said, I am staying out of it - I don't want to be responsible for clouding the kids' judgment.

Dear Beth,

My children have seen my parents' ways and weaknesses for themselves, through circumstances much like you've described.
My parents would come 1,000 miles, supposedly to visit us here, and then spend an hour or 2 daily (maybe) at our home before taking off to go do their own thing (always revolving around drinking.)
At the end of their last visit (I think it was) my mother would not even get out of the car to come up to the door and say goodbye, because - she said - it had rained earlier (wasn't raining at the moment) and she didn't want to risk getting ill just for that...
No one here made a move to go to her.
Children raised like you and I have raised ours... they see... and they know.

And when we were at their home last month, my parents really had no clue how to relate to any of us... to me or to my kids... because their grip on us is gone. For me, it was my break with alcohol (which is a major part of their lives) that really impacted them in such a way that they couldn't recoup. Anyhow, fortunately, my husband was there to buffer what would otherwise have been a much more intense silence.

I'm so sorry your son is disappointed... that hurts. I don't know how old he is, but mine's 11 and he got a good taste of this when we were visiting his grandparents. I suggested he show grandma something he was working on and asked him a bit later what she'd thought of it...
he said, "It's hard to tell."
Oh yeah, he gets it...  because she can't give it, take it, fix it, change it, relate one of her own grand experiences to it, or effect it in any way, she could not care less.
(((((((Beth)))))))  They don't "like" anyone, really... they just know how to blend in with some better than others.
You are free, you just don't feel it yet.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Oh, Beth.
If you're hurt and disappointed by what your parents do, it can't harm your son if you just say,
"I feel hurt and disappointed that my parents don't spend more time with me."

That's it. If he says "Why?" You can say, "I guess they don't know how to be happy."

Plus, I always think more often that not, when someone says, "I know you...."

It means, "I don't know you."

I'm sorry...

This is a really big continent and I hope you won't give them more than an inch of space in your life.

love
Hops

[JanetLG]

Gratitude,

This 'sidelining' of one particular family member is SO predictable, isn't it? I got the 'you don't like this but...' all the time.

Another one I got, which is a similar kind of thing, more to do with saying 'you don't count as important with me' is this:

My NMum would start telling me something (usually pretty boring, anyway), then stop, and say 'Have I told you this already?'

It's like, you're so unimportant to me I can't be bothered to remember our conversations.

Thanks, Mum.

Janet

[spyralle]

'I can read you like a book'    ..is my Nmum's very favourite as she gets it wrong again

Spy x

[NoMoreMindGames]

yes, i agree with ami here...it's a way to marginalize you.  it also sounds like they're projecting, as well.

ugh!!

[JanetLG]

I also used to get 'I know you better than you know yourself'.

Hmm.

Probably helped by the fact that she used to read my diaries when I was out at school.

Janet

[gratitude28]

You all are awesome and I agree with all that you say here. It breaks my heart to know this will no doubt be the time my son will see that things are not quite right - he is so looking forward to them coming. But I will do as you said and just tell him it is disappointing, but that is the way they are and all people are different.
I have let them into my life too much lately, as you have noticed. I was thinking last night that I need to make a "diagram" of my life. The central circle will be my happy bubble... my kids, my Henry, my dear friends (the trustworthy only), my husband, guinea pigs, snakes,  languages, knitting... that will make up the central part of my life. Then, as one of you suggested on another thread, I will keep the less important things in smaller bubbles off to the side - a work bubble, a parent bubble... compartmentalize them and not let them in to what is me... This may sound odd, but I like the idea of having a barrier and didn't quite get the concept before.
OK, I need to go in another room... Henry is passing gas and scaring me away from this one...
Lots of love,
Beth

[spyralle]

Hey Janet..  Me too.  My Nmum used to say that too and read my diaries and then have hysterical tantrums over what she read in there.  i can remeber when I was twenty and thinking of taking the contraceptive pill..  She read it and then became hysterical... ripping and ripping it in my face...  I had to stay in my room for a week as I was too scared to go near the rest of the family...  Aftyer a week she came into the room and laid a newspaper cutting on the bed of two children sillhouetted hand in hand.  It was about under age sex..

Spyralle x

[JanetLG]

Beth,

I don't like to ask this, but...WHO IS HENRY????

Janet

[JanetLG]

Spyralle,

Isn't it strange that they could go mad at you, after reading something in your diary, but if you said 'you shouldn't have read that anyway', they'd go off at you for questioning their RIGHT to 'find things out if you won't tell me yourself' kind of stuff. Used to drive me mad...

Janet

[spyralle]

Me too Janet.. My mother believes I am a part of her therefore she has every right to own every bit of me including my thoughts and actions..  One of my favourites is when I am going for a new job and she says..  tell them your mother was a headteacher...  Like anything I have to say is so totally unimportant but if they hear about her they will immediately employ me..

Spy x

[JanetLG]

Spy,

I once said to my NMum about that 'you are part of me' stuff...'I thought they CUT the umbilical cord at birth, though?'

Her only response?

'Don't be disgusting.'

 

Says more about her than me, that one.


Janet

[spyralle]

Lol LOL LOL..... Lets get the virtual scissors on the job!!!!!!

Spy x

[Certain Hope]

I was thinking last night that I need to make a "diagram" of my life. The central circle will be my happy bubble... my kids, my Henry, my dear friends (the trustworthy only), my husband, guinea pigs, snakes,  languages, knitting... that will make up the central part of my life. Then, as one of you suggested on another thread, I will keep the less important things in smaller bubbles off to the side - a work bubble, a parent bubble... compartmentalize them and not let them in to what is me... This may sound odd, but I like the idea of having a barrier and didn't quite get the concept before.

Dear Beth,

There's something very comforting about that image of bubbles... I like it, too 

I remember reading something to that effect awhile back, re: family models and how some folks compartmentalize themselves... I didn't get it then either, but from what you've described, I can sure see the benefits!

Love,
Hope
P.S. Sounds like Henry needs some doggy-Beano!

[isittoolate]

I have let them into my life too much lately, as you have noticed. I was thinking last night that I need to make a "diagram" of my life. The central circle will be my happy bubble... my kids, my Henry, my dear friends (the trustworthy only), my husband, guinea pigs, snakes,  languages, knitting... that will make up the central part of my life. Then, as one of you suggested on another thread, I will keep the less important things in smaller bubbles off to the side - a work bubble, a parent bubble... compartmentalize them and not let them in to what is me... This may sound odd, but I like the idea of having a barrier and didn't quite get the concept before.

hi Beth

My diagram is like a wagon wheel. I am the hub (in your case, your whole household) and everyone/thing else has a spoke--the only problem is that the rim is missing and there is no way everyone can connect with another spoke is through me.  i.e my family is all one spoke, but my boss is on another and they have never met. The N on another etc.

I don't know if you can picture that but it came to me when I moved around so much

Izzy