Screaming inside..

[spyralle]

When I was growing up I used to look in the mirror and hate what I saw so much that my insides would all clench and I would start screaming inside...  no noise... just that horrible horrible feeling as I stared at my ugly hatefulness... I have only one tiny mirror in my house in the bathroom...  I have taken the rest down.  Becuase of this I have developed a sparkly personality when I need it and somtimes when I am in sparkly mode I even think I look quite nice..  Then it comes back...  As I am getting older I am watching the lines appear and it has started all over again...  and now I am angry too because actually when I was ok looking.. I was too messed up to feel good about myself..

I have no clue how to apply eye make up and would die rather than put up my hair..  I have missed out on so much and it makes me want to weep..  Sorry..  I just had to say that because if I keep it all locked in it gets worse.  and I know you guys will understand..

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxx

[JanetLG]

Me too. Now, when I look at photos of me when I was little, even a teenager with anorexia, or later in my twenties with my health much better, I really resent the fact that at the time I thought I was ugly BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY OWN MOTHER TOLD ME I WAS. I can't turn the clock back, but I can make damn sure I don't spend the rest of my life feeling the same way. I'm determined to feel better about myself.

It's OK to be angry. I hope that phase passes for you, and you can be at peace with who you are now. I should think a lot of the women on this forum feel as you do about themselves, Spy. It's so hard to come out and say it, though. I'm sorry you feel you've missed out. You have missed out. But it wasn't your fault.


Janet

[WRITE]

actually when I was ok looking.. I was too messed up to feel good about myself..

I think it's internal Spyrelle, nothing to do with comparisons to others, which is what saying 'good-looking' really means.

The world's oft-named most beautiful woman Marilyn Monroe hated herself.

I have a poster in my bedroom with an Andy Warhol quote: if everyone's not beautiful, nobody is.

Being happy in your own body and skin is something we were discussing on another thread and you're not alone except this seems stronger and more deep-rooted.

I am sorry you feel you have missed out, what are the things you would have liked to have done that you didn't?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm determined to feel better about myself.

we have to be- in the face of constant fads and pressures about appearance and image.

I think in many ways we were luckier in the UK though Janet, America is much more focussed on these superficial aspects of beauty and I know beautiful talented people who don't think they're good enough simply because they're not perfect!

[spyralle]

I'm in the UK too....  God only knows what I would have been like in the states..  I watch those programmes on sororities where only the beautiful get invited and I can only imagine the pain of rejection some girls must feel.

That's a good question Write..  I guess I would have been out there in the world instead of hiding away in baggy jumpers hating myself, letting arrogant men trample all over me and tell me that I was lucky to be with them..  I'd have been out dancing..  And I'd have been able to find a relationship where I was properly loved..

Spy x

[Iphi]

Dear Spy, I know what you mean.  Someone taught me that feeling and then I forgot that they taught it to me and just carried it along with me.  Did your mom teach you and what did she say?

Have you seen the movie What the Bleep Do We Know?  That's a good movie and I mention it because at one point the main character is screaming "I hate you!" into the bathroom mirror.  But later she loves herself.  I hope you will rent it.

((((spyralle))))

[changing]

I used to have teacher (at maybe 6 or 7 years old ???) who would take me into the teacher's lounge every day to look at myself in the full-length mirror and she would say cruel things to me ( I had only one dress and it was getting old and too small, no coat so when it rained I looked like a little wet rat!). Needless to say, this was hard on my psyche, and I had no way to respond except to apologize for inflicting myself upon the world. My music teacher somehow learned about this, and she and others cornered this wacko woman and told her to knock it off!! She stopped.
I am going today to my Orientation at law school- I have a nice  (not expensive but nice) new suit, new plain lovely shoes and a crisp white blouse. I am not competing with anybody, but I am taking care of myself in a modest but real way!!I still feel shy, odd, and funny -looking (especially with my Frankenstein foot brace, cane, etc) , but SO WHAT!
Spy,go to a makeup department and have them paint your face- everyone does it , just to get the newest fashion shades and techniques, etc. They will do it for free! Start small- buy some moisturizer, mascara and lipstick in your colors- I had no mother growing up, so I had to learn too!Get the best haircut you can afford ( if you see someone with  similar hair that is cut well, accost them, and ask who cut it!!). Your hair will look nice, even when you don't have the time or inclination to fool with it!

I am not an elegent or fancy person, but I refuse to let the evil people keep me in their spell, if I can just see how to extricate myself. (sometimes I cannot, which is how I came to this board- everyone has helped me out of the quicksand!!! Thank you!!!!) I wish that my teacher had been there for you, too, and kicked those who hurt you as a child up one side and down the other, maybe you would see how lovely you are, and how ugly those who hurt you in your innocence were! I want you to see it now!

Go get some mascara, you beautiful thing!!!

Your friend,

Changing

[JanetLG]

Spyralle,

When I felt that I wanted to start looking after my appearance (fairly recently) I got those 'Colour me Beautiful' books from the library. The actual idea came out in the eighties, but the principle is timeless, so it doesn't matter that the books are a bit dated, now, picture-wise. The idea is that everyone's natural colouring fits into a 'season' and that once you've established what yours is, it helps when buying make-up, clothes, etc. It really helped me gain confidence, and I saved a fortune in clothes I'd never wear! I think they've got a website for the make-up that they sell, but the books are better.

I don't think I'd have the nerve to have make-up put on me , publicly, in a shop, although I think it's a good idea. Working it out on your own in private is, well...more private.

Changing,

You sound like you're looking great! Your teacher was mad, absolutely mad.

Janet



Janet

[WRITE]

I'd have been out dancing..  And I'd have been able to find a relationship where I was properly loved..

and you feel you can't be dancing or loved now?

There's a quote at the start of Vera Britain's 'Testament of Youth' about the lost generation of WW1 which says 'which would you rather have? A happy youth- now; or a happy middle age- later'. It's always stuck in my mind because even reading it as a young teenager I knew I would be the latter...not pick it, but it would work out that way....

I am loved, finally I know I am loved.
Not by a lover or husband, but by my ex ( bl**dy miracle that ) and my son and many friends.

I've let go of looking for a certain 'type' of relationship and I'm tryign to be in the moment and enjoying what i have, and let things blossom there.

Much of the relationship stuff is further 'image hangups' I am finding, especially in the US.
Here if you don't fit a potential partners preconceived notion of who he wants to be with often you stand no chance except for casual relationships. I think other societies are similar, my Indian friend looks for one kind of girlfriend he likes but I know he has a totally different image of what will please his mother and honour his family in the long term.

Maybe we're all somewhat marinalised by our changing cultures- so many freedoms on one hand, the lure of the past on the other.

I watch those programmes on sororities where only the beautiful get invited and I can only imagine the pain of rejection some girls must feel.

I know, the talent contests where talent is the last thing being assessed....

Someone told me recently what hell they went to to qualify as an opera singer, the constant dieting and haircuts and being assessed on presentation. I said well it doesn't seem to have held back Pavorotti...( who is in my prayers this week actually, with his pancreas cancer surgery ) but there was a requirement that people HAD TO subscribe to this model to pass the course.

See, I'd boycott the course, complain, let people know- and go do it anyway!

Pah, how dare idiotic people ruin young lives and careers with such trivial nonsense.

Have you seen the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? 

my son and I watched this, yes I liked it except it isn't clear at the start that it's propaganda for

Changing- your writing style is EXCELLENT! I love reading your posts.

I am taking care of myself in a modest but real way

you know, this used to be REAL style and panache, everything's become way-flash and ostentatious somehow.

I love the classic looks which can be gently personalised...

'Colour me Beautiful' books

someone did mine and said I am browns and dark blues, which are my favourites and suit me somewhat but for me it's the cut and hang of things which makes all the difference between me looking good or clueless...

It's hard to dress in the current heat in Houston; too little clothing is immodest but it is HOT this week. I have little cardigans for inside when the a/c is up too, or you go from boiling to frozen!

[Gaining Strength]

I am responding to your initial post without even reading any replies.  Your post hit home hard for me.

When I was in high school and college I would look in the mirror to brush my hair but I would not look at my face.  I couldn't.  I hated it.  I hated my body too.  I saw myself as very, very heavy and unattractive.  I rarely wore make up and not much ever.

Only in my thirties was I able to begin to look at my image in the mirror.  And only in the past year have I been able to start wearing make up and start fixing my hair beyond the lifelong - wash and wear styling.  It has really made a difference.  I don't know which came first - the start of the healing or the effort to look nicer FOR MYSELF.  I see them as going hand in hand.

I wasted so many years with such low self-esteem.  That low self-esteem encompassed my personality and my physical body.  My sense of myself was way out of kilter with reality and it really stifled me in every aspect of life.  I am definitely no beauty queen but neither am I hideous as I have felt for many, many years.  The more I grow into my healing, the more I like who I am, inside and out.

I went to Hot Yoga at the Y today.  One part of that yoga is to keep your eyes open and to look at yourself in the mirror.  I do not like what I see.  In the past when I attended these yoga classes I just looked at my hips or arms or more vaguely my shape in the mirror or closed my eyes.  I refused to look at my face or in my eyes.  Today I encouraged myself to look me in the eyes.  It wasn't easy but when I did I told myself, "you are beautiful."  Now I didn't change my perception by doing that but I decided that I will over time.  And then I remembered that as I continue healing there will be a countenance about me that will actually alter my physical appearance and that will truly change into beauty.

I have a habit of offering unsolicited affirmations (it helps me to think them up and then I use them too.)  So here is one (unsolicited) for you.  Look in the mirror, even if you only look at your hair or one specific feature without looking at your face as a whole and say or think, "I am prettier than I think," or "I will like the way I look as I heal my heart" or something like that.  Why not?  Who will know?  How could it do anything but change your hard heart towards yourself?  We are far too hard on ourselves because we have internalized those voices of those who could not love us.  We cannot continue to do that to ourselves.  You wouldn't let me do that to myself and in the same way I won't let you continue to do it to yourself.  That is why we are here.  That is why we are a group - to help and support each other, to reflect back the true beauty we see in each other.  And I do see great beauty in you and I am not alone.

I need to be able to adjust the image I see looking back at myself.  And your post has encouraged me to do that.  Thank you.

your friend- Gaining strength

[WRITE]

Look in the mirror, even if you only look at your hair or one specific feature without looking at your face as a whole and say or think, "I am prettier than I think," or "I will like the way I look as I heal my heart" or something like that.  Why not?  Who will know?  How could it do anything but change your hard heart towards yourself?  We are far too hard on ourselves because we have internalized those voices of those who could not love us. 

very powerful stuff.

I'll try this every day GS, using your words; will report back in a few days.

Love to you and Isittolate and Spyrelle and everyone struggling or anxious tonight.

~W

[Ami]

Dear Spy,
  It took a lot of courage to post this. I want to say that I am so glad that you are here. I am so sorry about what you are going through.
  I. I just wanted to say that this is a  very important and courageous thread . I will respond later  as it is a deep issue that I need to think about  (((Spy))))))    Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks WRITE, love to you too, love to this whole place and all the people who make it supportive and encouraging.
your friend - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Oh, Spyralle.

I can only say I KNOW you are beautiful.

If you care to PM me a photo of you I give you my solemn word I will study your face with an open heart and I will write to you 10 things I find beautiful about you. Tonight.

And that would only be a start.

I would like you so much to go to some warmhearted salon-woman and throw yourself on her mercy. Just tell her I don't know how to see any beauty, will you please in an [understated, glamorous, classic, trendy--whatever word works for you] way, do a makeover? Most good stylists I've know have had hearts like the ocean, and would absolutely be deeply happy to do that for you.

with much real love,
Hops

[Ami]

When I read your thread, I needed to think about it . It was a scream for help. I did not know how to answer b/c I had  a different twist with my N mother.
   My N mother always took great pride in how I looked.She always made me feel like I was beautiful.I feel like I am "allowed" to take care of my outside in any way -- like hair, make-up, clothes etc. In fact, my worth is reflected in how I look.However, most of my trust in my perceptions, emotions and thoughts was destroyed. She tried to destroy it all, but I was spared losing ALL of it. I just lost MOST of it)
  I see that how we feel about ourselves is PROGRAMMING from them. I always had confidence in how I looked b/c I was programmed that way. For some reason, she programmed me that I looked good. However, where she tried to destroy me was in taking away my reality. So, I am REALLY struggling with trusting myself. I am really , really hurting with this, now.She programmed me to think that I was a TERRIBLE, EVIL person. I am seeing from understanding "projection" that it was probably her that was a terrible ,evil person, but in my gut, I don't trust myself anymore.
  I tell my story to show how much of how we feel about ourselves is SIMPLY programming from them.
   IT is SO HARD to undo it((((((((((((((SPY)))))))))))))))))                 Love  Ami

[spyralle]

I just want to say that I have never felt so heard and understood as I do right now.  I haven't got time to post my feelings till later because I have to go to work, but I want to thank you all.  I love you guys..  This is the only place in my life I have ever felt  safe enough to be honest xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx