My Feelings

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

My heart aches at the many children who are not given expression because their crying or innocent behaviors are stiffled by ignorant caregivers. 

Growing up we were required to be emotional flatliners.  It all hit me in later life (the constipated emotions that had been held back  ) and just about killed me.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

tt

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I still need to finish reading all the info at those links. Alot of "stuff" is coming out and coming together, but not in such a way that I can express it in words... yet. Especially not concisely     


These quotes you posted are amazing:

Feelings are the only means that an innocent infant and a toddler have to communicate with..When the feelings are expressed in the form of crying and or anger and a parent or guardian stops the child from completely expressing these feelings, the feelings become repressed, stuffed into our body forming Emotions. Emotions are feelings that have been suppressed/repressed in our very early years, primarily during our infancy and toddler years. 

Iz, my mother has always told her version - that I never cried as a baby.
I think she's lying.

A major inner  turmoil forms early when we are taught by our adult caregivers actions not to allow our self to feel our feelings

Indeed!!   By their actions. Oh boy. Much to absorb.

Kiddo at band practice again and she'd probably appreciate a ride home. Gotta zoom.

Big hugs and thanks, Izzy.

Hope

[Overcomer]

Iz:  Sometimes I think we "put our guard up."  Build those walls - high!!  Protect yourself from your daughter's rage.  Protect yourself from being hurt.  But I am optimistic to know that you had a heart flutter with that guy....at least you can FEEL.

Do you want to cry?  Or are you afraid if you cry, you will not stop?  The other day I watched The Green Mile with Tom Hanks.  THAT will make you cry.  Try it...

Sometimes I just cry out to God and let myself cry.  Why?  Why?  Why??  Why did you get in that accident?  Why did you get involved with psycho...?  Why doesn't your daughter understand you and love you??  WE love you.  You are a wonderful, smart woman......what would we do without you?  Especially when it comes to computers??  Now THAT is something to be happy about.  I do not know too many 68 year old women who rock on the computer like you!!

[isittoolate]

Right Hope,

I've spent some time on one site but am not absorbing it all, yet  I see there is a wealth of information to deal with when I have the peace and quiet to do so. Thank you SO much for those links!!!! will go to link 3 next as it, whehn I peeked, is talking the same as link two,

Thank YOU Hope

Hi OC

What you said at first, right! The Green Mile I've watched twice in maybe 5 years-----------I can see why---but no tears from me. I used to love having a movie send me into tears. I watched Madame X in the hospital in 1969 and I cried for a long time---for  her finding out her own son, a lawyer, was defending her and she hadn't seen him for many, many years and he thought his mom was dead, yet felt a connection to Mme X...............................of course I was freshly parted from my daughter.

Well I love me and I see my talents, even to the computer savvy at 68, and my daughter doesn't ever give me a compliment.  It's as though I am being punished by her! But lately have been simple comments about a game we were playing---but now she has stopped for a few weeks.--gave up and won't admit it? I'm still trying when I have the time.

Her? That is a puzzle for me. Well just wait until I get it all together and remember and am Perfect---- 

Thanks OC

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[Certain Hope]

Iz,

I am too drippy to absorb much now. Oversaturated. Kidlings return to school tomorrow and I hope to drip dry.

Kelly,

The Green Mile is one of my favorite movies.

Love to you both,
Hope

[isittoolate]

Hi

To put together some of my posts here, I am more than ready to believe the feelings that were not allowed to be felt, or that I was to scared to express, is the emotional blockage.

When I was being ridiculed or taunted, I could have gone to my mother and told her. Now whether that is the extent needed, I don't know. Or even have yelled and screamed at my siblings, bercasue that was pat for the family anyway. That might have been enough. That would be the equal of speaking up for myself in later years, which I was too afraid to do.
==========================
1.)
To this day, his anger is so deeply buried that his surface is passive, sometimes like there's no life in him. He’s terrified of his own or anyone's anger. All his life's energy, his spirit, is buried deeply with his anger.
 
2.)
The pain of shame comes when you believe that something in life has damaged you, perhaps permanently and beyond repair. Maybe you were abused, ridiculed, or neglected as a child. Maybe your family hides some dark secret, or you have been involved in some activity you deem subhuman. Whatever the cause, you see yourself as defective and worthless, and every day for you is a "walk of shame."

The pain of shame forces you to fear being exposed for who you really are. Thus you do one of two things: you work desperately to be perfect, to be above scrutiny, or you withdraw from life and don't even try to measure up.
 
3.) Emotions are feelings that have been suppressed/repressed in our very early years, primarily during our infancy and toddler years.  

A major inner turmoil forms early when we are taught by our adult caregivers actions not to allow our self to feel our feelings

4.) In the recovery process dealing with feelings IS NOT A " BLAME GAME". Even though the origin of emotional trauma can be traced to our early childhood as a result of actions of our caregivers the original " act " can be attributed to in most cases as “Innocent Ignorance". 

 "The responsible course of action is to take the responsibility ourselves to heal our emotional trauma and do not pass the abuse onto anyone else!  Not even the alleged originator and especially do not dump it on innocent children!"
I am not blaming anyone, as we do the best we can with what we know and what to do with it. I know I made mistakes with my daughter, and I’m not sure the therapist can connect my head thoughts to all the emotions that are trapped inside.
========

My itching has stopped, almost.

I have to check back, perhaps in family emails, but when my brother first said he was coming, it was alone. I was okay! Then instead of his being alone for that 5 days of horseback riding, my sister announced she was coming. I'm sure that is when I said "Damn!" to myself.

I do know that from that time on I was "nervous" or some other thing and I have scratched for the last 8 months for sure, but before too. I didn't want to speak to soon, but it is 2 weeks tomorrow since they left and the itching abated on the Monday. My skin creams are clearing up the dry skin now--never seemed to work before.

Today I am writing my brother, as he begged me to, to tell him how I felt about the visit. Today is his 65th birthday so am writing today instead of tomorrow. I am sending the black text to him. it took me awhile to put together what I think he can understand , but I didn't mention my sister.

Any Opinions?

May I click Send?

Love
Izzy

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[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I wonder... why not send him the whole thing, and not just the part in black?

Love,
Hope

[Certain Hope]

Iz...

To explain my last comment, I've made some great errors in trying to determine on someone else's behalf what I think he can understand. That begins a whole circle of internal thinking and dialogue which basically acts to keep anyone else out, from my experience.

Love again,
Hope

[isittoolate]

hi hope,

I cannot send the whole thing as in the long run I am saying that my sister was the fly in the ointment and made me itch and when she left it stopped.

Just the black part with hopes the underlining is understandable to him, plus we did talk  here.

That email has been on my mind for 2 weeks, and I have NO idea about his reaction.

xx
Izzy

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[Certain Hope]

okay, Izzy... I don't guess you wanna hear my buts

I guess that would be pretty bad to suggest that contact with your sister makes you itch.
hmm...

On the other hand, you did say that you'd itched for 8 months previously, so did you really say that your sister caused the itch while you were together?

oo
Hope

[isittoolate]

I knew for 8 months that she was coming.............. and I know my mood changed when I heard that, I thought it would be my brother alone.

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[Certain Hope]

I knew for 8 months that she was coming.............. and I know my mood changed when I heard that, I thought it would be my brother alone.

ohh... I didn't realize you'd known all that time, Iz!

Personally, I don't feel that revealing the cause of the itch equates with blaming your sister, just reveals the degree of discomfort you have with exposure to someone who... has created harm in your life.

Do you have some thoughts in mind about what your brother's ideal response would be, Izzy? How would you like him to respond to the quotes in black?

If you're tired of my questions, please advise... I often don't know when to quit.

Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

Yes, that long and I know that whatever came over me when I learned my sister was coming, happened with her announcement. I cannot remember now, and i wasn't in therapy then

I just want my brother to understand what I have said and try to have and idea why I am and have been the odd ball, the enigma, why I always asked so many questions, why I never cried at either parent's funeral--I'm sure it was noticed.

and

When have I ever had support from a family member???--never, really

Just when they get together, if my name comes up, I would like him to support me. I might not know about it, but I can dream, can't I? If/when he replies to my email, I might have an idea if what I sent was "greek to him".

Love
Izzy

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[Certain Hope]

Yes, that long and I know that whatever came over me when I learned my sister was coming, happened with her announcement. I cannot remember now, and i wasn't in therapy then

I just want my brother to understand what I have said and try to have and idea why I am and have been the odd ball, the enigma, why I always asked so many questions, why I never cried at either parent's funeral--I'm sure it was noticed.

and

When have I ever had support from a family member???--never, really

Just when they get together, if my name comes up, I would like him to support me. I might not know about it, but I can dream, can't I? If/when he replies to my email, I might have an idea if what I sent was "greek to him".

Love
Izzy

((((((((Izzy)))))))  There is so much feeling in what you've written here... especially within the "I can dream..."

I am praying that your brother speaks Greek.

Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

Hope

I feel as though I have done all I can do when it comes to family, getting it straight,

and

my daughter and me.
My grandson called me, we talked for an hour but he is the almost 21 yr, old who lives with his N father-- my daughter's ex.
He was involved in a tragedy and there is a book out now, see below

He said he would send me an autographed copy (Chipman) but that is a promise from an upcoming N---I ordered one from amazon anyway.

all I have left now is my therapy and see what happens there!

Love Izzy

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