My Feelings

[isittoolate]

Hi all

For those who don't know, my feelings have been buried fo(all of my?) 68 years. Too many traumas beginning with my physically abusive father who raged incessantly, right on through the car crash, the estrangement and living with a psychopath. I left him 5 years ago and am 'almost' through talkiing about Ns and Ps. I want to pay attention to my progress and ability to 'voice' myself.

One day I saw a little 3-legged klitten in a TV commercial about abused and injured aniimals. I got a lump in my throat, but didn't cry (I haven't cried since 1993.)

I took my car to the fix-it shop and had a thumpity-thump thump attraction to the mechanic. ( Being that I am always attracted to the wrong man, I suspected those kind smiling eyes where the same as my psychopaths were, and hiding something. He was flirting and talked too much. He said he brought that service station back from near bankruptcy and was so happy to finally own his own business--misleading or a lie? I took my car in today and he is no longer there. The Real Owner is there.)

I had an adrenaline rush --first in a long time and I don't know if that is connected to feelings.

When I last cried in 1993, coincidentally it was my sister who came out here just recently who was the one who popped along that day. I couldn't stop crying. It was about my daughter, so sister well remembers and when I said,when they were here, that that was the last time I cried, she went bug-eyed and asked "REALLY??"

My therapist sees and senses progress but I think I need a jackhammer to get through. I was the super-sensitivve child of the 5 kids.

Love Izzy

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[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

Is there anything I can do to help?

My feelings are in a bit of a rumpus due to perimenopause combined with actively digging them out (I think).

The other day I pulled up alongside a semi-tractor load of live chickens, all rumpled and packed together in their crates.
Of all those hundreds of chickens, only one was looking me in the eye... and I cried.

From not being sure I could feel anything too deeply to crying at the drop of a hat has been quite a system shock.
I do, however, have extra "Puffs" if you ever need some.

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Izzy,
   I think that you should find stories or programs that make you cry. I think that the first step is to just let the tears flow. As they do, I think that you will start to identify the 'frozen " feelings.
   I remember in the book Animal Farm, when Boxer( the horse) died, I cried and cried. Boxer was unswervingly loyal. He only saw good . He worked his fingers to the bone b/c for those he loved
  He was so innocent and his innocence killed him. When he died by trying to help others--- no one cared.This was  the short version of my life with my mother.
    Find animal stories, Paul Potts( who i know you like) or any other inspiring things and let them in(IMO).
                                                                                                                      Ami

[isittoolate]

Thanks Hope,

I don't know what would make me cry, but it wouldn't be a chicken---kinda sad, kinda funny.

All the stuff I say is in my head but not in my heart I can say, "I know I love my brother", but I don't physically feel it!

That's why my Izzy, is isittoolate is it too late at 68 to change all these years of thinking and not fgeeling--tough job for the therapist. I will have to set a $limit$ on treatment

I sense that if all the feelings came rushiing in, I wouldn't be able to deal with 68 years worth

Thanks for the offer.
Love Izzy

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[isittoolate]

Hi Ami
Thanks. I know the movies and stories that would make me cry every time--but no longer! I know the sadness but there are no tears.

And reading about active Ns hardens me even more, so I try to stay away from those posts..... hardens....or keeps me on an even keel that I was not alone in my experience with a P.

I am alone and content and that is not right!

Love
Izzy



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[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I don't know what's okay to say... is it alright to ask questions and poke a bit here to try to name the feelings around some of the events in your life?

That's where I began, once I realized that the activity in my head wasn't lining up with what was in my heart.

Love,
Hope

[lighter]

Izzy.... I don't know how to jackhammer through all those years but....

it does sound like you're making progress to me.

I think you might be able to cry the next time you see that 3 legged kitten commercial if you pay attention to what you do to STOP the crying. 

The lump was crying trying to happen..... you stopped it..... how?  Most people take deep breaths or think about something else. 

Just falling into the tears and thinking about even sadder things is painful but getting out, even a little.... is a start.

[teartracks]

Iz,

The other day, I tried making my bed the way you describe making yours.  Girl you have that down to a science.  You are so smart.

I remember a time in my life when I taught myself not to cry.  There was so much going on, it seemed like I was bawling about one serious matter after another every day.  I'm the type that when I have a good cry, I feel terrible physically the day after.  I didn't like that feeling and I didn't like the way it made my eyes look.  I have small eyes and after a good cry, I sort of looked eyeless.  Anyway, my reason for not crying was different from yours, (or maybe deep down it wasn't) but the thing is, I over corrected to the point where nothing made me cry. Somehow what I'd intended to be a discipline to ward off the aftermath and the way I looked morphed into a kind of brittleness and hardness.  I can't explain it.  In order not to cry, one must deny the depth of their feelings.  I became rather feelingless.  Somewhere along the way,  perhaps when my boys died, I went about unlearning what had started out innocently enough, but which had grown past anything that was reasonable.  I so hope you get your feelings back.  No one is a rock or an island.  I hear you loud and clear.

Love,
tt

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

Were you very shy as a little girl?

Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

Thank you authentic, Hope, lighter and tt,

Authentic,
I wouldn’t doubt that I am holding in a bottomless pit of anger, but I never get angry. It is likely from the beginning with my father and dysfunctional family. My parents are now dead and come Aug 18, all 5 of us are 65 or over.
I am likely in the age group of the mothers or fathers that some of you young whippersnappers post about!! Eh?
I don’t feel the anger, so don’t think of it as a crutch. My ‘contentment” gets me by.

Hope, 
Thank you
Yes you can poke, but there might be something that I won’t know, don’t know, will never know and some things that are not printable.  Yes I was super shy!!

Lighter 
Thanks
I know that kitten could have made me wail in another lifetime, but just the lump came this time. My therapist was pleased.

Tt 
Thank you
Did you make your bed my way? Sitting in the middle??? Gee maybe I ought to patent that??? HA!I look like hell when I cry too REALLY bad, red and all swollen, but sexy eyes the next day. OK!! Just now I realized that if I wept and wailed it was never in front of anyone---wow! Always alone—no one ever saw the mess. My Goodness—you never know when you’re going to hear yourself speak.
Lordy—when your boys died………………….
Me—when my daughter’s N dismissed me from their lives, 1991—took me 2 year to ‘crack’……………………….

Love to all
Izzy


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[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I was extremely shy, too.
Here's a self-test   http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm
to determine whether you'd be considered a "highly sensitive person".

Although I'm much more outgoing at this stage of my life, I was amazed to see that nearly every one of those statements is still true for me. If the same is true for you, then perhaps it's not so unusual for you to feel contented alone?

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Izzz,

There's a weird but interesting couseling organization, semi cultish, called Co-Counseling or Reevaluation Counseling. I tried it for a few months and loved the people, but wound up quitting because I couldn't hack the organization's history or people's discomfort with any challenge to some of their wackier theories.

Can't believe I'm suggesting this, but for this issue, I think they'd be good for you. They do cry. And not alone. And it might be a real oasis for you.

love
Hops  PS--I also recommend reading Old Yeller.

[isittoolate]

Hi Hope

I did a 10
I am far more outgoing now than when a little girl
I know what I want re people and respect and work and I have earned the respect, admiration and trust of these people.  They are my only face to face contacts. We joke and laugh. We commiserate. My head knows it all and what to do. I help the people who don't know what they're doing or where they are going---but this is only about an hour a week at the Office--all else I being home. Here I often have to call people and I am pleasant.

I don't think of myself as a phony because I mean what I say and do.

I wonder if God put that rock in there for my feelings so I could survive this long? --a helpless little girl who knew nothing and would never learn until fear drove her to succeed. I believe that the fear of failing was my impetus, but still a part of me wasn't into some of the things I did.


Makw any sense????

Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Yes, it makes sense, Izzy.

If you put a photo of that helpless little girl before your eyes for a few days, you may find that she's alot closer than 60+ years away.

If you want to...
just doing that had a strong effect on me lately.
I can think back to her now and score 26... probably 27 if I had any idea what I'd be like without caffeine.

P.S. on edit - Fear of turning into my mother was my impetus. Same thing.

[isittoolate]

hiys Hopsie

Old Yeller was in my thoughts today too, and Bambi, and Madame X (Lana turner version), An Affair to Remember, both versions, thinking of how lonely I was that I cried, at age 19, thinking about losing my daughter and my grandchildren, no go.

I will Google that Co-C, or Re-Eval thingy--I'm in Canada. Are they?

I thought of taking in a kitten-a 3-legged one, but soon it will be a cat, and cats have servants. In this case, me.I loved I love baby pigs, but hated the big boars and sows.
I love dogs, love their loyalty, but No for this building!
No squawking birds! I see plenty when I'm out--even ducks from the lake wander all the way to my street.They are freindly and peaceful.
Fish are like watching the grass grow!
No snakes, no spiders, no frogs, no hamsters, NO PETS! NO MEN!

Hoh Boy!

love Izzy





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