Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
standing up to an N
Dawning:
Has anyone stood up to an N - in this case a mother N ?
I feel somewhere in between ignoring her manipulative behaviour completely/sending her a quick reply to today's email telling her there is nothing wrong with me and I won't have her continue to tell me so OR spilling my guts to her once and for all by sending the long letter I finished writing last week (with the stamp of approval/support from my cousin.)
The danger in doing this is that she will take any response and run with it, using it as a way to get back inside my head. She'll be thrilled with any response. She is angry now cos I have pulled back and not giving her that source of supply and her latest email reflects her need to try and get me to doubt myself again and/or think there is something wrong with me. She's been doing this my whole life. I see NOW that she is very predictable, only now I am controlling my emotions and taking care of myself and certainly not trying to fix her anymore. Still, there is the voice. The voice that is welling up and wants to come out. I am tired of her always, always -since birth - trying to fix me. :twisted:
Any experiences, stories, observations, stuff?
:)
Dawning
Anonymous:
I've been lookin' for a couple of stories to bring up for you Dawning. Not that they'll probably relate exactly, but hey, :D :D They're on the 'healing' thread so I'll go there now and dredge one up and post it at the top of that thread. Might get my thought juices goin' on your request.
Be back to chat later.
CG
Dawning:
Thanks, CG. :)
When I say that I am tired of her trying to fix me, it is always when she doesn't get her way. When she is getting her supply, she heaps praise upon me. But she will change just as fast if I don't do what she wants *when* she wants it and then something *becomes wrong with me.* So how I am *not* supposed to think she is full of sH*t :?: :!:
She sent a string of terrible emails last month when I mentioned to her a personal, intimate event that made me happy. I wanted to share my happiness with her and, instead, she throws all this rage at me! :x
So I pulled back. I remained cool in my responses and didn't get upset even though I had a right to. I got down on energy for several weeks and set about writing a letter to her - edited at least 10 times. I still have the letter and my cousin thinks I should send it. It is not a letter written in hopes of fixing her. I have given up on that.
Yesterday, I got an email from her asking for my ssn. I told her that it was dangerous to send an ssn by regular email and that I would send it by snail mail early next week as today starts a week long series of national holidays here and the post offices are closed. Her response today: "I'll need it asap. Thanks. It's much easier on the heart, (Dawning), to be happy. Give yourself a break!" Please trust me, this is an insidious way of hers to get her way even about something like not getting my ssn when she wants it. Never mind the danger involved (I have heard of people putting their ssn in an email that gets hacked and then someone else has access to your bank records, etc.) But this is a minor case. Several years ago, when I dared to offer my opinion on what my dying grandfather needed, she raged at me. I told her that I thought we needed a little time apart - an hour or so - to cool down and later, that evening, when I went back to her house in a rental car, she took the car keys off the key ring and locked me in the house, took me to the living room where she had lined up a set of glasses and gave me one and told me to throw it at the wall. When I wouldn't do this, she proceeded to tell me all the ways I was deficient as a person. When dawn broke and I went into the room to go to bed, she insisted that I hug her, telling me that she loved me. The next morning, she had a beautiful breakfast prepared and wanted me to talk. I said that I didn't have anything to say (protecting myself here) She, then said, "well then you can help me paint the doors." I did that and then everything was better. I took her out for dinner later (and drinks for me) and that made things even better. But, as you can imagine, I fully realized her disorder very clearly that year. I came back and discussed it with my therapist.
~Dawning.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Dawning ---Still, there is the voice. The voice that is welling up and wants to come out. I am tired of her always, always -since birth - trying to fix me. :twisted:
:)
Dawning
--- End quote ---
Hi Dawning,
What qualifies her, or whose authority does she have to pass comment on you in the first place anyway.
Tell her to 'feck off'. Tell her "I got a warmer glow the last time I passed water, than I've ever had from anything you've ever said to me."
I mean, get mad at anyone who wants to hang their shit on your shirt. This applies ESPECIALLY, REPEAT, ESPECIALLY for mothers. :x :x :x :x
Or how about you say , " Hey ma, (yes, you simply positively MUST use the term 'ma'. They hate it. :D ) I've think you've mistaken for someone who gives a shit about your opinions."
And trying to fix what anyway????? let's see (hahahahaha)
fix you, :? or f##k you up?? (line outa a movie I love, "Your're job is to fix me, not to f##k me up!!!")
Or is she trying to
CHANGE you, or
CONTROL you, or
CONTROL & CHANGE you?
Or if she can achieve a real win, she'll convince you that something's wrong with you so get suspicious of yourself, even maybe mistrust yourself and every bloody decision you've ever made, or maybe even get you to hate yourself?? Get you so you feel sick every time you look in the mirror? Don't know, just askin'?
My mother had me like that at different times. Bloody lovely isn't it. And there wasn't anything wrong with me, that losing her didn't fix. I treated her in the end, the same way you'd treat a bloke at work who repeatedly tells racist or sexist jokes.
Step 1. Made her aware that what she was doing was unacceptable and offensive and I wouldn't tolerate it any more.
Step 2. Told her she had to stop, which she plain just couldn't. Too old and stubborn and narcissistic and evil.
Step 3. Warned her if she continued I'd cut off communication for good. When she couldn't I followed through. End of story. Sounds heartless, but I wasn't the heartless one, she was.
By the way, :D
Do you feel you need fixing?
Do you want to change?
You sound okay to me :D
CG
Anonymous:
HI Dawning, I'm playin' catch-up here, but I gotta say, (please no offence intended), but your mother makes me feel sick. I read your post and felt sick to the pit of my stomach. There was a familiarity in your story that hit me hard, which my brain will get it's hands around later. But I can see, yeah, she's got to make you out to be the sick problem one, hasn't she?
CG
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