I believe my dad is a cerebral N of the neglectful type. Sometimes though, I'm not so sure. I am hoping to share some specific interchanges from past years and get some different perspectives because people here really get it. Also, I just want to put it out there in front of people who know. These will be the things that really hit me.
1. Here is a recent one. My husband and I moved to a town that has some historic interest. Every time I spoke with my dad, he would tell me about the history of my town. This happened about three times. The next time I said, "Yes dad I know about how the town was founded. We have a founder's day every year. I live a mile from the town museum and the foundation documents are online." He was furious. He doesn't know anything about our house or our neighborhood and has never actually asked me what my town is like.
After that last conversation, when he says the name of my town he does so in a contemptuous, mocking way.
2. He came to my college graduation but looked put-upon and aggrieved the whole time. I had to push his wheelchair though my sister and cousins and aunt and uncle were there and could have done so. Afterward he was impatient to leave and wanted to know how long I would take to pack up my dorm room. I had thrown my stuff into a couple of trash bags ahead of time, because I anticipated this.
3. The two above occasions - 5 years ago and 15 years ago - are the only times he has visited me. He did not visit in college other than dropping me off for freshman year. I've never asked him to come because it is like a heavy unspoken thing in our family that you never ask dad for anything or to do anything because it is unthinkable to burden him that way. He used to say it would be terrible for him to travel and he can't do it. But in fact he does travel to visit his family and in past has expected me to drive him and help him make these trips. They were hellish trips throughout which he berated me and commits weird acts of sabotage. I've sworn never to convey him anywhere ever again - it leaves me feeling mauled.
4. When I went to college and afterward when I moved away, he didn't ask me if I needed anything or take any interest in that sort of thing at all. He has no interest in my life or doings or concerns and no knowledge of them. On day in high school I was cooking dinner and he was sitting at the kitchen table. I was upset because he never asked me anything about myself or seemed to know anything about me, so I decided to tell him all about my day in great detail. It became clear that he wasn't listening, so at a certain point I included being kidnapped by aliens in my narrative. Eventually he looked furious but never said anything/continued to ignore me. But of course then it was my fault for... doing whatever.
5. I used to think he did a lot of things for my sister and me because he would take us on all sorts of outings and get involved in activities. But in retrospect, every single activity and outing was of his choosing and if one of us (usually me) tried to say 'no' or suggest an alternative then there was a rage. But it confuses me because in this way it seems he wanted to act like an involved parent. But I think he wanted to play the role and also be in control of two little people and gather NS from us.
6. My dad is very educated. Over dinner and at various other times, the conversation is dad talks about interesting things and we listen. We are allowed to ask intelligent questions. This was always the way when we were growing up and still has been when I visit as an adult. This seems okay to me, and as long as he is happy it can be enjoyable and he is a good talker - but if there is a departure from him being the center of attention the mood shifts. Sometimes viciously.
7. He expects servitude unquestioningly. He just starts ordering me about when I visit. BUT, if I help him in some way that he is not directing, it infuriates him.
8. When he came for our wedding, he went out to eat with my in-laws. My MIL told be that he ignored my SIL and yet expected her to push his wheelchair and attend to his various needs. My MIL was upset that her daughter, who has advanced degrees and a high powered career, was treated like a servant. Tell me about it.
9. When I was in 4th grade I had long division homework and was having trouble. I asked him for help and when I didn't get it right away, he gave me a lecture on interesting (to him) things about calculus. When he wandered away, I cried. I felt so stupid. It's not the only time it happened, but it was the first and really stuck in my mind.
10. He had an enthusiasm to teach us to play piano, which he excelled at. He set us some scales and an easy tune, but when neither of us mastered these exercises right away he 'gave up' telling us it was pointless because we lacked ability, diligence and work ethic.
This things just haunt me sometimes. For a long time I put down the more recent behavior to his disability and the burdens of his life and excused him. I excused him basically from all responsibility. But he also demanded to be excused from all responsibility. It seems this made me an enabler. But also, especially after he got ill - which really began to happen when my sister and I were in junior high school, it was like no one could say no to anything or have any other plan that wasn't selfish. It was like becoming ill meant he was justified in having his way all the time, and at the same time was a complete release from anything he didn't want to do.
The illness has made it very hard for me to disentangle. Also it still feels at least partly wrong to think he should be responsible for his own behavior, or have responsibilities to people in his family.
Also, when I write this stuff I hear him, and sometimes my sister, in my mind denying it all and telling me none of it is the way I am saying it is.
