Thank you so very much, yet again, Iphi. Reading back through what I wrote here this morning, I just think you did really well in making sense of it! Much of this stuff is still encased in a "little me" who doesn't recognize what's wrong with it... just senses it's not right.
And you did ! You got it... exactly what I was trying to express... and more! What you said about your Dad holding back details is exactly the same with my mother... and I do believe it is about control. She's very vague... will toss out tidbits here and there, but never just give the whole scoop, straight up. Gives me chills as I recognize some of the ways I've mimicked her in years past, thinking that's how it's to be done.. for the sake of managing things in an orderly fashion. Now I see - withholding knowledge is nothing but another smokescreen.
My main desire now is to remedy any residual "ways" of hers under which I may be operating, so that I won't pass that crud on to my children.
Also, I want to address some of this with my oldest two daughters who are now making homes of their own and on whom I am certain to have unloaded some of that residue
Talking this through here with you helps.
Today in my kitchen, cooking away... I was thinking of how my mother never really taught me to cook anything. It was all so complicated and had to be done "just so". Well, I used to chalk that up to her perfectionistic, compulsive ways... but then this afternoon, some pieces started to fall into place. I remembered an incident where she'd made some bread stuffing and I'd seen the "stove top" boxes in the rubbish. Someone complimented her on the dressing and asked about the recipe. She gave some brief reply and I saw that momentary flash of anger on her face - - - that person who asked broke a cardinal rule - ask nothing!! Everything is so top secret! She wouldn't just say it was from a box. Would not. And we're not talking plain old garden-variety pride here... that flash of anger tells the tale. So I think that's why she wouldn't teach me how to cook... she would not let me in on her secrets or shortcuts... even in the simplest of things.
She must have viewed me as competition.
Good grief. Lord knows she hated it when I grew up to be a decent cook... especially when I'd make something just the way my dad liked it, not stingy with the meat or cheese, as she is... always holding back, making it a bit less than what she knows would be the favorite.
Again, I could go on and on... but I won't.
Such a little thing, next to all the many big things she left unsaid and unaddressed, unattended to.. like my identity, my hopes, my life.
There was plenty of muttering in my kitchen today, over so many other negligible loads of hooey with which I allowed my brain to be stuffed. A legend in her own mind, she is, but not in mine any longer.
By the way, she doesn't rage, but her disdain and contempt are withering... at least they were to the "me that was".
So far, I haven't thought of any examples of her actually baiting the hook, but then I think she's an 8-something on the N'ish scale... and then, of course, I was her "accessory" until I moved too far away to fill that role. Quite a distance to toss a line these days.
Dear Iphi... you don't have to try to reply to all this... I know it's minor stuff, but it's the sort of stuff I can piece together without drowning in the bigger swamp... and it's good for me to put it down here, I think.
Yesterday was her birthday. I sent a card, but mailed it late. My husband and I signed it... no letter enclosed. No information.
Told my kids about the upcoming day, but they didn't make a card to send.
I don't push them to anymore. They do seem to know that she's a fraud.
Oh, about that other relative... thank you for your advice! I didn't ask her specifically about her new job, but I did ask whether she felt she'd been there long enough yet (about 5 weeks) to know whether she'd want to do it long-term... or was she going to play that by ear.
I hope that wasn't a dysfunctional question
I really don't know anymore.
I do know that she's involved with Codependency support groups, so maybe her not volunteering any info was her way of dealing with detaching from the outcome of whether or not I'd be interested. Sheesh... gets so that nobody knows what's okay to say and what's not.
Scrambles my brain.
((((((((Iphi)))))))
Much love,
Hope
P.S. to Dandylife... I am so sorry you're dad didn't have the awareness of what a lovely daughter you are. My dad probably would have said the girl reminded him of my youngest daughter... we're special to him because we're "his", not because he really knows either one of us. Hugs to you.
