Am I in the right place?

[SoSmall]

Hi, Hello to all.  I am trying to change my inner voice right now.  My automatic reactions to people and difficult situations.

I am 34 and female.  I work with the public and deal with many many personalities at work.  When someone is treating me wrong - either by words or actions I do not speak.  it is almost as if my mouth is sealed shut.  I cannot voice my unhappiness.  When someone yells at me - I become small.  So very small. 

When I grew up I had 2 odd parents.  My mother didn't want anything to do with me.  She would go months on end without talking to me.  It was as if I didn't exist.  There was no anger - there was just nothing.   When I was about 20 she admitted to me she had believed her child (ME) would be and act a certain way.  Even look a certain way.  I was nothing like that and after that she only saw me as someone that took away from her free time.  I wasn't what she wanted so she didn't want me at all.  A good example of my mom and I's relationship is around age 14 or so I got up all my courage to talk to her about something.   My father was ALWAYS telling me it was my fault that my mother and I had nothing in common.  So after I told her about whatever - friends at school - or whatever I remember her exact words to me, "What makes you think I care about the pittily little things that go on in your life?"

My father, for as long as I remember, felt the need to point out everything I did wrong.  I was always supposed to know what would make him mad ahead of time and not do it.  Thing is everything made him mad.  I cannot overstate how everything I did was wrong.  When I won honors in a highschool jornalism contest in my city, I was told (yelled at for hours) that it was a waste of time b/c I needed to focus on my math skills to get through college.  Every year Christmas was a nightmare because I never got the right gifts.  One year I got yelled at soooo bad that for Valentines day I went to a huge effort to make it up to my dad.  He only said that Valentines Day was not a holiday to be celebrated by father and daughter.  Even I knew the point was not what holiday it was - but that i was trying to be good. 

I remember about age 5 or so making my mom a card and putting it in the mail box.  I was so proud and couldn't wait to hear her go get the mail.  All I did was get yelled at b/c I was apparently going to confuse the mail lady with my crayon card. 
Once when I waited for the mail lady to offer her coffee because it was so cold outside, my mom said to me, "Why would you do that?  She probably thinks you are so stupid? I bet she dumped that coffee out before she got to the next house." 

So where am I now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt every thought I have.  Or word to come out my mouth.  I hesitate b/c I think it is wrong.  I don't stand up for myself because I learned the best way was to just be small and stay out of everyones way.  I don't know if a board about Narc parents is where I need to be.  I think so. 
The final straw was when I got engaged and my mom belittled me for about 20 minutes over the phone when I told her.  She even went as far as to say she didn't really believe he wanted to marry me and told me she wasn't going to go if I had it out of state like I planned.  That was her real issue she didn't want to travel.  I wanted soooo bad at age 33 STILL to get some love and attention from her.  I had finally had it.  I told my dad, "she was no longer welcome."  -- Then it became an issue that I needed to reinvite her - even though she still had no plans to go - I needed to reinvite her so she would feel welcomed.  Once again everything was all about my mom.  Didn't matter at all how hurt I was - all that mattered was how my mom felt. 

My father continuously told me I should have known better than to put that type of pressure on my mom.  And then asked me how I would feel if my mom expected me to go to a weekend long quilting bee?  Knowing that I would be bored to tears at something like that.  Yes, my wedding was equated to a quilting bee.  I refused to reinvite my mom.  My father didn't come and my sister just sort of disapearred.  I had NO family at my wedding.   

Are these narc parents?  Or just mean parents?  Either way I know how they treated me took my voice away?  I don;t know how to get it back.  How do you practice that?  Things like that happen in real time?  How can you practice for unknown situations? Thanks so much for reading all this drama - So Small

[lighter]

Welcome SO SMALL....

I'm writing your name in caps bc you've come to the right the place...

and you're going to be growing stronger......

and larger.....

finding your voice.

I don't know about all that fancy dxing stuff. 

Seems like the professionals have a hard time with it, themselves.

What I do see in your Family of Origin (FOO) is dysfunction, cruelty and pressure on you to deny that reality. 

It sure sounds like N but that doesn't matter so much as you.... and figuring out how to honor yourself and your feelings. 

I'm listening to you and everyone here knows what you're dealing with, so you don't have to convince anyone. 

We already believe

Again.... welcome.

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sossmall)))))))))))))))))

Yes, you are in the right place. I wouldn't dare give a diagnosis, but I do believe that what we discuss here and the coping techniques will help you tremendously. It takes time to change the voices that run in your head (the tapes). We hear our parent's voices when we know they are wrong, and it takes an effort to change that voice to YOUR voice.
Your parents were wrong in every way. Whatever their reasons, they had a child they should have loved and cherished, and they did not. No child deserves that. And no child should have to scramble to try to do ANYTHING to please.
It sounds that in spite of your awful upbringing, you are a smart and accomplished lady. So... the next step is to "unfreeze" yourself and learn basic life skills... that is what we do here.

I look forward to hearing more from and about you.

Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Dear So Small,

You will find your voice here, I believe, beneath all the feelings which clamp your jaws tightly shut when confronted with difficult people and disturbing situations. This is a wonderful place to practice... expressing your own views, insights, struggles, and finding support and encouragement from so many people who have faced similar situations. The more you are able to give voice to it all here, the easier it will come out in "real life", without all those "stoppers".  I think you'll find that there aren't so very many unknown situations, just a few basic scenarios... and in each of them, it's a matter of having your own boundaries firmly placed and recognizing when someone else has encroached upon those. It's not easy... but I'm sure you can do it!
So glad you're here... welcome!

Hope

[Iphi]

Yes SoSmall I believe you are in exactly the right place.  I'm so sorry you had to undergo such experiences.  I was just thinking last night about how I have a similar problem.  When someone is abusing me to my face, I can't defend myself.  In fact I feel empathy for them.   Maybe you know what I mean.  It's pretty messed up.  The way I see it - living well will definitely be the best revenge. 

[Hopalong]

Welcome SoS,

I just want to give you a huuuuuuuuuuuuge hug and tell you how precious, beautiful, important, wonderful and smart and amazing and good-enough you are.

Regularly.

Breaks my heart how f****ng selfish and witholding your parents were and are.
What would it have cost them to hand you a little bit of love? Too much, evidently.
Their hearts are withered and pickled, far as I'm concerned.

But I'm glad you're beginning to let go of that particular (big) hope.

Letting that hope go (for your parents and your past to be different) is the ONLY way to let the present in.
But it happens in stages, with a lot of practice and a lot of support.

This is a wonderful place for both. Life DOES get better.

Hops

[Sela]

Hiya So Small,

I just want to say.....welcome!  and I am also very sorry that you had to live through all of that.  That was just awful and no child should be treated in such a manner!  Your parents did not deserve you!! (but you kept trying to do right and get their approval........It's so unfair and impossible.  They won't change.)

Sorry ((((((So Small)))))).

Glad you found us and hope you will keep working on that inner voice because it's one thing you can change!

Also, that you will learn to use your voice to take care of youself the way you want to!!    Those two things alone will help you to grow bigger!!

Sela

[bigalspal]

Hi SoSmall,
Your parents sound so hurtful!
Makes you wonder if they are mentally ill.
You are definitely in the right place!
I have/had (my bio dad & the stepfather I called dad are dead) parents like yours. I could/can never do anything right.
My NMother is very hurtful & critical, too.
Her latest husband is a "lap dog", even disowning his own kids because mother doesn't like them.
I became exact opposite as you. I talk waaaay too much, hoping you will find SOMETHING about me that you will like. All that does is make me look pathetic.
I'm a virtual hermit. I just had surgery, but that's not the reason.
I don't trust people to not hurt me, so I keep to myself, except on this board where people understand exactly how I feel.
I wish for you the ability to have that "AHA" moment that I've had. That it's THEM not YOU that have the problem. But that doesn't make it any easier to bear when your parents are so darn mean! I always took everything to heart, figuring if my own parents didn't love or value me, then who could?
I'm not sure we can ever get over feeling that, but being here & sharing that pain can help.
Another "AHA" moment for me was knowing that I was not alone in the way I was treated.
Not that I wanted others to suffer, but knowing that I wasn't alone made all the difference!
Just stay close to us on this board & let it all out, & you'll be surprised how much it will help & how crystal clear things will become.
Love,
Bigalspal

[JanetLG]

So Small,

Welcome to the right place for you - you will definitely find a lot of support and understanding here.

What you put up with in your childhood was wrong, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. My mother sounds like yours - I was an irritation to her, she'd rather not have had me, and she was threatened by any achievement on my part, because she felt it detracted from her.

I'm sorry your wedding was overshadowed by HER needs. N's often do this, unfortunately. I wonder if she was dismissive about your husband-to-be's intentions, not because she REALLY doubted them, but because she realised he meant it and so she was losing control of you? That's what happened to me. Dreadful thing to have to deal with, in the run-up to what should be one of the best days of your life. 

Keep posting, whenever you feel you want to - there are some really supportive people here who can help you with all sorts of things!

Janet

[spyralle]

Do you know what hon.... Whatever your parents are..  There is something bigger and far more relevant and that is YOU...  Stick around here and you can slowly work through your fears same as we are all doing...  your childhood sounds as mad as mine.. but I am learning that with good friends you can start to break free.

Keep posting SS

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ami]

Dear So Small,
  You sound so precious. You sound so -not small-to me. You sound very intuitive and insightful. You survived ' intact" for all the suffering that you went through.
  You are in the right place, My Friend. You need to find your voice . You made a good start in that beautiful introduction. Welcome, So Small .                                 Love and a Big Hug      Ami

[Tweety]

Welcome ((((((((((SO SMALL)))))))))))))
You are most certainly in the right place.
 I'm so sorry for all your pain , and for feeling small.  You sound like you have started  to become willing to let go of the hope and dream of your parents ever being what you needed them to be,Thats a BIG step. Little by little each step get easier, There is a tremendous amount of support, validation and love here. Bravo for having the courage to step up and be "Big" here. 
I already see NOT SO SMALLNESS IN YOU
Keep comming back,
Love Tweety

[SoSmall]

everyone is so sweet.  I liked everyone's response but one really stood out to me.  Someone made a point that it isn't relavant who my Parents Were but Who I AM!  Well, atleast that's what I took from it.  And while I am doing my best to be everything I can be and succeed on my own terms.  Sometimes in my heart and soul I fall back to being that small little girl again.  And I hurt thinking about why didn't they do this or why did they do that?  But I really need to continue to focus on me.  I would so love to be an N for a day! 

I want to say I hope to give as much - if not more - than I take from this board.  I don't feel to comfortbale responding to people right now.  I am so full of questions myself - but i realize in some ways I can be of help.  And I hope people will understand if I ask more than I speak right now.  Maybe one day I will be able to be a big voice and help others.   

[teartracks]

Dear SoS,


   Someone made a point that it isn't relavant who my Parents Were but Who I AM!  Well, atleast that's what I took from it.  And while I am doing my best to be everything I can be and succeed on my own terms.  Sometimes in my heart and soul I fall back to being that small little girl again.  And I hurt thinking about why didn't they do this or why did they do that?  But I really need to continue to focus on me.  I would so love to be an N for a day! 


What you got there was a very good message and very good councel.  I'm so glad you came on board.  Sorry for the awful hurt you have carried all these years.  But Who You Are is the important thing.  It sounds like you've done some serious thinking about how things were while growing up.  I pretty much lost all my memories of growing up.  I guess my mind was so overwhelmed it just went someplace else to 'be'.  I was a quiet mousy child.  I'm still trying to figure it all out.  This place has helped me a lot.

What an interesting idea, I would so love to be an N for a day!   Do you mind saying why you'd want that? 

Welcome,

tt

[dandylife]

SoSmall,
One thing you said resonated so much with me. That when you feel berated, criticized, you feel you must be silent.

My N husband was very aggressive and loud when he got angry (he's borderline with lots of N traits). He would get really mad, stomp around and scream. One day he came at me when I was in an enclosed space in our basement. He just started coming toward me aggressively.

I shut down completely. Literally went to the floor and just sat there, hugging my knees. I didn't emerge for I don't know how long.

Later in therapy, my wonderful therapist explained to me that I had the choice here to rage back and get violent or to shut down. I am a gentle calm spirit and I didn't have it in me to do it back to him. Actually the therapist asked me point blank, what did you WANT to do at that point when he came at you? I said "Kill him." He said "AH, you couldn't do what you truly wanted to do, and something protective inside took over and you just went into a shell."

Now I've come very far and my voice is a great....not weapon...but protective device? Shield? I've learned to use it so that I don't get in situations like that anymore.

Much love and hugs,

Dandylife