Mourning

[axa]

I have written about my anxiety on another thread but wanted to post a seperate thread on what is coming up for me.

I am mourning.  It has only just come to me.  I have been so gung ho about getting over XN that I left little room for mourning.  I need to say that I loved this man.  I had faith in him, I had hopes for us.  I wanted to be his life partner and when the rose tinted glasses came off I realised that that was not possible.  I have no regrets about leaving him but I am grieving the loss of our life together.  I have worked through many stages since I first came here but I now need to acknowledge the sadness I feel for the man I LOVED.  My love was real and true, it was my feeling and rather than feel it I have discounted it, old pattern.  I have replaced the sadness with anger, which has been useful but I need to make room for the sadness and loss. 

I am sad.  I don't miss him, I am just sad about him and sad for me.

axa

[Overcomer]

Ax:  It is ok.  Cry and mourn.  Even if we as a whole pick them bad, that does not mean that there was not real love there.  Unfortunately relationships have a life cycle and if it does not get better it often gets worse or even BAD!  So cry on our shoulders and tell us why wor are sad.  Give us your true gut feelings and we will pick you up!

[axa]

Thanks Kelly,

I am sad for what might have been, I am sad for the trust I misplaced, I am sad that I did not listen to my gut, I am sad because I loved to share and laugh with him, I am sad because I know that I want nothing to do with him.  Guess I am just plain sad.

axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
   I think that Kelly said some very important things. Inside the 'bad" was good, fun ,sweet,loving and closeness. There were wonderful memories . You ,probably, wish that the good was not 'replaced" with the bad and then the relationship failed. You wish that the "good" could have stayed "good,
   You are ,probably,lonely and would like someone to hold your hand in this new phase of your life.
  There is tremendous sadness. There is a loss of hopes,dreams and innocence.There is a loss of a lot more than just this man.
  I think that you are mourning 'life losses" as well as the loss of him.
  I am so ,so sorry that you are hurting,Axa.       ((((((((Axa)))))))))                          Love    Ami

[axa]

Thanks Ami,

I have just skimmed an article on the web How can you mend a broken heart? Revisiting mourning and melancholia.  It is very technical but very interesting will need some time to digest it but what I have just realised is that by being angry I have held onto the relationship.  I have kept it alive by internalising the bad object.  I think what I am experiencing is REAL letting go.  While I hold onto the anger I hold onto the "relationship".  I believe the sadness is an indication that I am beginning to move on from the keeping alive of the "relationship" and feeling my own sadness rather than anger at XN.  Hopefully this is progress.

Thank you for your support.

axa

I want to add that the article says that unless we mourn in a healthy way we can never let go of the relationship.  It is always with us inside, to revisit and not have distance from.  Other relationships I have let go of mean nothing to me now.  I realise how important it is to experience this and move through it. 

[Certain Hope]

Thank you for sharing your grief with us here. (((((((((((Axa)))))))))))

I think that you are so wise to recognize this sadness... and so very brave to express it.
It's very difficult to resolve the grief. I remember reading long ago... that it's like a death, with no formal funeral.

Two years after N was gone, after I'd been remarried for some time and found that thoughts of ex still haunted me on occasion,
I finally made up my mind to face that sadness once and for all. Guess that was the funeral ceremony - burning any pictures and letters of his that remained. The fire then didn't come from anger, but out of that deep grief... and I didn't even know that then, not consciously.
At this point, I do think it's gone! And I feel now like he didn't destroy my dreams at all... only my illusions... and I can see the difference.

Much love to you, Axa

Hope

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  I think that what you said can apply to any relationship. I have never let my relationship with my M go.. I need to do what you are doing with that relationship.You have helped many other people I am sure. Thank you, Axa                                                      Love     Ami

[axa]

Besee,

I think that is the key, compassion, I have had so little for myself.........like get on with it girl, you messed up again.  Taking responsiblity for things I was not responsible for.  I will work on being compassionate for myself.  I have been reading about grieving and realise that I am grieving so much, my childhood, my lost years, my daughter, my dreams and hopes but I am still alive and there are new beginnings just need to walk into the world as an adult now not a victim child.

Thanks

axa

[Hopalong]

Axa,
Your post has helped me so much. I ditto Besee every word, please be compassionate with yourself.

I realize now that I haven't properly grieved the last exNbf (two years since we broke up). Since it ended, I have gained 20 pounds, isolated, and buried myself in the hunt for work (thankifully over) and the care of my mother.

Last weekend on a whim I joined an online dating service, immediately a man responded and I am avoiding answering him. He mentioned my appearance twice, in positive terms...and I turned that into a negative. I had a rush of anxiety I haven't felt in ages, began stuffing myself. He seems appropriate, interesting (a music teacher) and there's probably nothing wrong with him at all. My fears were my responses to:
--his having been on that service for several years (I'd seen his profile years back)
--his having talked about me looking "warm and feminine" (what's wrong with that?)

I immediately decided these were red flags. And I have no clue.

love
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

I got an anxiety attack when I read your post..........projection, dear Hops.

Ok, a couple of things

1.  I think it is brave of you joining a dating service.  I think that putting your toe back in the water is a desire for a normal relationship and/or a way of making new friends.

2.  I think it is bound to be a scary experience.  In theory I know how to be etc but if I had to put my knowing into practise with a real live man not sure how I would fare.  I think the cycle of anxiety and overeating is something to think about.  Who knows if musicman is ok or not but your reaction to him seems very strong.  I think we have our Nantennae out there to such an extent it is hard to know whether we reading things into innocent words or not.  Why not have email contact with him for a while and see how that goes. God, I am useless Hops, I want you to be safe, I would love if you had a respectful partner who could share with you but how does one know the ok ones.............. 

As far as him being on the service for years, well, you and I have been around the block a few times so I would not hold that against him.  His words "warm and feminine" well if someone you trusted said them to you would you feel anxiety.  I want to say to you take your time and trust your feelings.  It is hard to get a sense of someone from a few emails.  He could be a raging N or he could be a really sweet man and only time will reveal the truth.  You are in charge of you, remember that.  However he is you can take all the pain and learning from your years and put them to good use by protecting yourself.  You also have a right to a chance of happiness and it is important, I think, not to sabotage that opportunity. 

How about thinking of it as this is someone I may become friends with or not and as I get to know him better I will make a choice about him.

Clueless really xxxxxxxxxxxx

Axa

Want to add this.  My sister and her partner spent yesterday with me.  They have such a loving and respectful relationship, not perfect, but oh so good enough.  There are good guys out there just hope they are not all taken x

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Axa.
My reaction was definitely more about my fears than about reality, I think.
I should give him a chance.

I liked his face and he's 10 years younger, which is fun.

Hops

[axa]

My sister's partner is 14 years younger than her and they have been doing just fine for 20 years!

Have fun and watch out for Hopsie

axa

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Mourning is important. I mourned, too, for a long time... realizing that I never really had a mother. I wanted to go back and have what I never did get. You won't ever have what you had dreamed and wished for. That is sad. And you do need to grieve.

Love, Beth

[JanetLG]

Hops,

I hope you can trust your intuition (which is very good, IMO).

By the way, I met my husband after he advertised in a 'Lonely Hearts' section of our local newspaper.

We each thought we would NEVER get a 'serious' relationship out of it, before we met.   

It's a brilliant way to meet people, beacause the basics of shared interests can be sorted through BEFORE you meet, rather than afterwards, which can be disappointing, to say the least!!

Janet

[Tweety]

I need to say that I loved this man.  I had faith in him, I had hopes for us.  I wanted to be his life partner and when the rose tinted glasses came off I realised that that was not possible.  I have no regrets about leaving him but I am grieving the loss of our life together

(((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))))
Oh Axa....... I'm in the same boat. Yesterday was my 1 year anniv of the "end"with my EXBF. Its still hurts. I'm still mourning, or I should say I just started to "mourn" swung from hurt to anger. Now I'm just saaaaaaaaad. I'm mourning the loss of the dream . I wish I could give you some comfort.......I loved him and hated him, no in between , very hard to come to terms with that for me. I'm reading right along with you for help as well.
Love Tweety