sharing with people as a way of healing

[Life is Precious]

Authentic,

Thank you for your post. I am going to try to keep in mind what you said. Thanks for that. But I am having a horrible time of it here.

I am horrified at the thought that I will have to deal with the N.Parents again. Sometimes, they say they would like to visit! What horror! I really don't want to have to see them again. I think the core of this anxiety has to do with the fear that I have that I wonder whether they had incestous intentions towards us, per my first posting. This is my worst fear and I can't really feel safe from this horrendous possibility for as long as they are on the planet. Or can I?

Right now, I wish there was someway that of making sure that they stay there in that third world country and never go anywhere else. I know that as long as I don't have to deal with them again in close proximity, I can cope with everything else in the past, including how my N.Mother tried to use us as bait. But while I can deal with all the hellish facts of the past, I can't keep on wondering if I may be in danger again in the future. That is just exausting!.

I never want to there to be a single chance of them behaving like that again in front of me. This is horrifying to me. I am trying so hard to calm down from this. A couple f years ago, I could not have even articulated this fear. This whole concept like Napalm to me. It's like some burning, caustic thing. I want to pu it out, but I don't want to be in danger of it.

I wish there was a way of protecting myself from them in the future. I want to be safe from them but I also want to confront them. I want to demand an explanation from them as to why my N.Mother did what she did (see my first posting).  When I think they will try and visit the US against my will, it's like I am looking at some impending doom. I know they cannot abuse me medically, because there are laws against that here. But, no legislation in the world can control someone's attitude towards you. And THIS attitude is something I will never want to deal with again. Ever. I am very clear about this.

When I feel this viceral fear, I want to scream at them and ask them whether they wanted to steal my sexuality away from me too, just because they themselves were such emotional garbage? That just because they let me get away, do they now want to try to track me down to try to cripple me with finality?

I want to tell them they can think what they like but they cannot F***ing DARE to touch me!!!! Back off or I will beat the crap out of you!!!

*BIG Sigh*

This really is the bedrock of the fear/anxiety I have. Everything else has been relatively easy to deal with.

God, I've been feeling so anxious as I write all this. Still, I don't feel totally, completely overtaken. I know this is a stress episode. I go through these from time to time. But if I am to do this, I need to feel materially safe when I think these things through. I must know that there is a conclusion to this. That there is final safety. That this feeling of being on a night train to a death camp will end.

This is my worst nightmare of a fear that I am battling. I know that if they had already passed on by now, I would not be half so worried about them. ... In fact, if they were already dead, I think I would say that I really don't know whether they were incenstuous personalities or not. They were might have been capable of damaging us that way but I am grateful that they simply didn't get around to it. If they die tomorrow, then I know that their sick attitudes also die with them, whatever the details might have been. That thought fills me with such relief... dear God! When they are dead, they will not be able to be bad parents any longer. Their thoughts will die with them and this particular sin will simply not exist anymore. I will not have to worry about them anymore.

And this is the relief that I want.

I worry that I will go nuts if I have to deal with them again face to face. I can deal with everything else on my plate. I can handle everything else but I don't want to deal with the thought that I could be in continued danger in the future. That all my efforts to create sfaety for myself may be nullified by their selfish decisions and that they will come over to add more garbage to my plate all over again. I can't let this happen.

Actually, now that I spell that out, it does not look so menacing. In fact, it is extremely unlikely. Hmm. Let me think about this.

So, why am I going through all this? I suppose I am just rehashing old  feelings of being stuck in a dangerous situation without help at ahand. Still, it would be great if someone could tell me that they would stand between me and them and that they would NEVER let them visit here. That no matter what an N.PArents may think, there is a limit to what they can act out. That the time of their false authority is over. That this is not their era.

Knowledge really does change perspective. When I think of the fact that I lived with them for 18 years, I feel so unsafe. The other night, I had been feeling afraid and then, I woke up from a dream and threw up right away.

When I get these emotions, I sometimes do feel that I could kill them if they ever tried to barge into my life here. I don't want to upset anyone by saying that, but I mean it. Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I am so afraid that they will try and take over my life again. I know that they have no plans of doing that but it is still scary.The other scary thing is that I really do feel very capable of throwing them down the stairs if they ever dared to come anywhere near my house or my life here. I mean, I would have to. I cannot just act coureteous, turn a blind eye and let them walk into my house! Just that thought make me feel so much in danger.

How do I get rid of this physical, vivid fear I feel with my entire body? I mean it is a viceral feeling! I feel this fear in my physical being. I think I just have to stop thinking about this.... I am getting tired!

I really want so badly to feel safe! I think I have to do this before they pass on. I need to learn to trust my current situation to be good to me. I have to learn this myself regardless of whatever eslse transpires out there thousands of miles away.

I am just going to ask God that He makes sure that I am safe and thank Him for taking care of this for me. That is the best that I can do right now. Please pray for me that I will not have to deal with them in the future. That is really all I want. My strenght must come from my material safety now. I can monitor and manage that. The thought of the past and the fact that I got out only by the skin of my teeth causes me so much fear when I just remember that I was a child living in their midst. It's like going through an emotional earthquake.

*sigh* I feel better for writing this, and very tired. Thank you for posting to me in the middle of the night. I really hope I get some sleep. I need it. I'm going to lie down and think hard about the present reality.

((Authentic, thank you for your good words. ))

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((Life)))))))))

I'm so sorry that writing this story brought such a rush of panic onto you. Dear, gentle heart, you could not have written it, I don't believe, if you did not already have all that is needful to be safe within your own space, with Christ in you, the hope of glory.

Your story brings me to my knees, because it is a Godly tale of righteousness and justice, accountability combined with mercy and room for repentance.
N sees the grace of God as license, and not as His power to give new life...  this breaks my heart.
The story just touches me so... I can't express the ways.
But I want you to know that I also pray for such a neutral intervention, a plague of frogs... to be halted only by N's genuine remorse and repentance.
Please remember that those frogs are not yours to tend and nurture. They cannot leap the ocean. They are contained.

And this, for you, from 2nd Peter chapter 1
Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; 
seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness,
through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.
To you, has everything been granted, dear Life. You are lacking in no good thing. Amen.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

I kind of like this one:

I want to tell them they can think what they like but they cannot F***ing DARE to touch me!!!! Back off or I will beat the crap out of you!!!

Sounds like a pretty clear boundary to me. And using your voice.

I doubt they'll come but if they ever did and you decided to meet them face to face, you could do it in a public place and bring an attorney.

I am very sorry you are haunted by your monster parents. I think your inner strength will grow and grow. And if you ever do see them, they will have shrunk to proper size. They'll be older, powerless, smaller, and they will sense the difference.

These kinds of fears for me are worst at night...same for you?

with love (((((Life)))))

Hops

[changing]

Precious-

I hope that you got some lovely sleep. Those Nparents indoctrinated you as an innocent and powerles child. Just as we can recall our favorite food or the cool splash of a favorite swimming place as a child, we can "feel" the sensations of fear and pain again, too. You are safe now Precious, and I trust that you will keep yourself safe now, as well. Things will get better as time goes on, and you learn to trust your own reality. Have a wonderful and peaceful day Precious!

Hugs to you,

Changing

[Poppyseed]

Precious,

I am joining this conversation late.  Many have said what my heart feels for you and what you have been thru.  It is truly unimaginable.  I have known the volume of emotion and the sleepless nights as I try to listen.  I struggle with feelings of being safe.  Wanting it so badly.  Wanting to prevent anyone from hurting me again.  My anger has helped me to feel protected until I could find more permanent ways. I am learning that the safety I seek is right there waiting until I am ready to give it to myself.  And whatever i can't give myself, I seems God is helping me with the excess as I learn to trust myself and my new boundaries and my ability to maintain them.   I appreciated what Hops said about them shrinking to proper size and having so much less influence.  They really do get smaller as self love and self care take proper hold.  I wish you comfort and gentleness as you decided what kind of boundaries you need with these people.  It is hard to cut people from our lives.  Doesn't feel like a kind thing to do.  But I wonder if you need a NC policy, at least temporarily, until you heal and until your borders are reinforced with time and safety.  My T tells me how literally fried our nerves get from all of the psychological stress and pain.  They need time to heal and regenerate so our coping mechinisms work better.  I also find it easier to practice my selfcare behaviors on less extreme people and only interact with my N's when I am feeling strong and unalterable. 

Whatever you decide about the NC thing, I wish you healing and friendship and understanding.

--Poppy 

[JanetLG]

Precious,

I would agree with Poppyseed, except for this bit:

" But I wonder if you need a NC policy, at least temporarily, until you heal and until your borders are reinforced with time and safety. " (my emphasis)

IMO, NC  has to be permanent to be helpful. If you even consider starting again with them at some point in the future, then that's a kind of 'safety net' in your mind that prevents you from healing enough to truly get over what they did to you.

Once you are properly healed, it's not that you *will be able* to deal with them again, it's that you *won't want to*. It's a big difference. It's a peacefulness that takes a long time to achieve, IMO.


Janet

[Ami]

WOW Janet
  There was a lot of wisdom in your comment about NC. I think that you are saying as long as we "wish" that we could get close to them,it shows that we are tied"in our hearts" . I got that out of it, anyway.
  After we heal,we will not desire and yearn for the contact- Right?I think that when we are "whole" we will not yearn ,anymore. I don't know if people agree or not.
  Life- I wanted to comment on the physical part of healing. I am finding that the toxic emotions ( and energies) stay in our bodies as a type of poison.
  As I heal, I am feeling awful .My body held on to these patterns for me and now I am releasing them from my emotions and body. So, when you are having sleeplessness and stomach problems, it couyd be part of the healing.
   Life, also, as Hops said, maybe you should get a lawyer. Your parents could not violate you by coming to your house if you did not want them, You are not vulnerable like that-- anymore. Maybe, there are things that I do not understand about your situation, but I don't think that they have the actual power to hurt you while you are in this country, anyway. Maybe in your home country, it was different.  I am so glad that you are here and sharing your life with us                Love   Ami

[JanetLG]

Ami,

" I think that you are saying as long as we "wish" that we could get close to them,it shows that we are tied"in our hearts" . I got that out of it, anyway.
  After we heal,we will not desire and yearn for the contact- Right?I think that when we are "whole" we will not yearn ,anymore."

Yes, that's exactly what I meant.

When I started No Contact, I think, now, that I believed she would really 'come round' to the idea of what she'd actually done to me. It was almost as if I was punishing her SO THAT she'd understand and be different. Of course, N's will NEVER understand, and they'll never 'come round' to your way of thinking, either. So, as the period of NC grew longer, I came to realsie that it HAS to be permanent, and I stopped wanting to 'make it better'.

Actually, I HAD made it better - for me. The problem we seem to have, as N-survivors, is that we keep going roud in circles trying to make it better FOR THEM. Trouble is, what they say they want in order for it to BE better, annihilates us.


Janet

[Gaining Strength]

I worry that I will go nuts if I have to deal with them again face to face.

You have the ability and the power to be certain that you never see them again.  You can get through and over this fear the same way you got through and over your OCD. 

There is a book by a psychiatrist, Dr. Jeffry M. Schwartz entitled, "The Mind and The Brain" which details a process for getting over dark or negative thoughts much the way you described you did.  The interesting thing to me is that he specializes in OCD and you figured out how to do it just as he did.  You can apply the same method to your fear.  I have been using this method for almost a year and though I still have a way to go, I have already made great progress and have developed the confidence that it is just a matter of time until I break free completely.

Ironically, as you were struggling last night, I was thinking about some of your previous posts and finding great courage to push myself forward.  Perhaps I was using up your energy.  I believe that after much healing, your psyche is once again digging deep into the unbearable pain stored deep within and bringing it forward because it is time again to do more healing.  I believe that this is coming to the surface because you are strong enough to deal with it now.  So painful as it is, to the extent you can, embrace this pain, it has come forward to be released and you can do that.  You have been successful in doing so in the past, you can do it again, bit by bit until the darkness is completely released.

Do you believe you can do it?  I believe you can. - Gaining Strength

[Life is Precious]

Dear All,

Thank you for your replies. I am only just reading them. I had been feeling so shaky that I was trying not to think too much about these things. Hence, I did not write sooner.

Janet and Ami, I am right where you are, have been since I was 18. I have no particular desire or need to have any contact with them. It is just that finding permanent residency in an English speaking country has been SOOOO difficult. I have been forced to return to the country of my birth and deal with that over and over again.

The last time I didi it, it was 1996. I was so overwhelemed with fear. There was this nun who was a friend of mine and she finally gave me refuge. I spent that entire summer, living behind the closed walls of that convent, in a house full of orphans, rather than live with the N.Parents in one of their several properties, surrounded by servants and all that.

Gaining Strength - what you said is right. I have to tell myself I am safe and keep going.

I think you are all so right about what you wrote to me. I just have to tell myself that while I  feel unsafe, I am really actually safe. I tried to tell all this to a friend of mine and he cut me off my saying "well, I'm not equipped to tell you much about these things, can't really do much to advise you" and I was just crying and crying and in complete panic mode.


I just don't want them to ever touch me or abuse me physically. That is my final stand. That is my final prayer and statement. This cannot happen.

Sometimes, it just blows my mind what little protection there is out there for so many people. I mean, if I had not received a great education and been brave enough to handle being cheap labor out in the wide world until I came here and got my American residency, I may have been dead by now. I must get over this.

Thank God I am here now.

Thank God I am in one piece.

Thank God that He did not allow them to sexually abuse me.

Thank God that I can learn to control my thoughts and that I can tell myself that I am safe now.

Thank God for the next wave of terror, when I will be able to tell myself that I am safe even if I feel unsafe, and make even MORE progress.

Yes, Thank God for my progress.

And Thank God for this community. You are becoming important to me in ways that I did not know were possible. You are affecting my life and my progress in such subtle ways that I did not even know existed.

I am just going to keep going forward. I pray that the next time will not be so difficult. I just cried for 30 minutes. I felt so war-torn, so beset with a ranging fear.

XOXO

[Life is Precious]

CB123,

It was you who told me about knowing that even though I feel unsafe, I can tell msyelf that I really am safe now. and I AM safe NOW.

Thank you for that. I am completely spent. I just let out a massive amount of panic, anger and stress.

I am trying to take care of myself this evening. I was supposed to go to dinner with friends, but this panic attack completely took over. It sort of forced me to take account of it.

THank you for acknowledging me the way so many of my friends do not seem to be able to, i.e. the 'ordinary' ones who have not suffered and just simply cannot understand the dynamics.

I am tired but I send my best.  ((((( All )))

[changing]

Dear Precious-

I am glad that you are taking it easy tonight and doing what you think is best. I hope you have a peaceful sleep ,and hope to hear more from you when you are ready.

Bless you,

Changing

[Life is Precious]

The NC POlicy

There was a time when I did not contact them for over a year. Their behaviour improved vastly. In fact, it was a milestone. I have had to keep in being in touch while I've been working to get my residency, because that that, there is no real foundation to my freedom. The legal independence has been critical and I am just fed up when I think of how long I had to wander around internationally, trying to make that happen for myself.

They refused to get me my UK citisenship, even thoguht this woul dhave been seay, because I think they did NOT want to give nay of their children any k ind of indenependece or any real resouorces apart from themselves. They are such garbage. Wow. Such evil.

One of the reasons I do keen in contact with them now is that it helps me to keep track of their travel plans and related issues. I talk mainly with their housekeeper and not them. I still have a few legal issues to tie up that requires documentation from that coutnry etc. They have been useful in that. As soon as I finish that, I really do not need to have  any further contact with them .


I just had a long phone conversation with another friend of mine, which was very, very helpful. He  really is very good with this particular issue...  Thank God for those who give me good feedback. (((( All))))

[Ami]

Dear Life,
  You are a story about how God can reclaim a" broken" life. You are a beautiful testament to "God's grace and love. Thank  you so much for being there                                         Love  Ami

[Life is Precious]

Ami,

I always feel that I will never allow anyone to call me a victim or bill me like that. I think people can try to destroy your world, BUT I kept telling myself "I can't die. I can't die. I won't die. I won't be destroyed. I won't let them take ANYTHING from me!!!".

And THAT is how I have come ths way. I remember when people were telling me that it would be difficult to get my work permit, let alone live in the US permanently and I REJECTED thgat. No, I said, if I want it this badly, i can have it. If I truly want it right from the veyr center of my being, then it is already mine.

Gaining Strenght - Yes. I Believer I CAN do it. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.


I love you guys for being there for me. You really are the definition of friendship. You acknowledge the truth and you promote authenticity. Wow. That is just great. I am going do some meditating now and reiterate my affimrations to myself. I feel very scared, but I am NOT as sunsafe as the feelings themselves seem to maintain. I am safe and well enough to actually dare to plumb the deeper parts of this experience.

Gaining Strength, I think you must be right. It must be because I am now in a position to deal with these things that they are coming up. *breath deeply* I am dusting off my shins and going forward again.  I can make it.

(((All)))