money money money ( again )

[lighter]

i am so sorry , WRITE, that you are hurting . I think that your "old tapes" are replaying and causing an already painful situation to feel worse.
  You are not a "failure" if your ex or someone else helps you out.
   It is not about success or failure-- in reality. Your thinking is putting it in these categories, I think.
(((((((((((((((((WRITE))))))))))))))))))))))                                        Love  Ami

Wha?!?!

[Overcomer]

If it is not one thing it is another!  The fridge breaks, the car breaks, the etc.  It always seems to happen all at once.  And if you have kids they always seem to need stuff and more stuff!  If you are alone I think budgeting is easier because you do not have so many hands in the cookie jar.  You are not alone.  I stress about money ALL the time!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

Here's Dave Ramsey's website, as Gaining Strength mentioned... http://www.daveramsey.com/

At the top, there's a link to "Get your free check-up"... Financial Reality Check.

That unexpected insurance bill must have hit you like a meteorite out of nowhere.
 ((((((((Write))))))) I'm sorry... my brain doesn't connect with feelings where budgeting is concerned.
There's no room for them on the chart. When feelings enter into the process, I've noted a rapid decline in common sense, so... total disconnect there.

But Write... I believe that you can benefit from some solid financial counseling.
In the very most non-condemning tone, with all of the love in my heart,
might I suggest that you re-evaluate your upcoming move?
If you're unable to figure an approximate cost for the move, then you don't really know whether or not you can afford it, right?
I would surely feel out of control in that situation...
But you can choose to allow your feelings to move you into some very deliberate, conscious choices to firm up your approach to finances, then that fear gets put into its place, and wise decisiions follow.

I hope you're okay... I have a feeling you're wishing that you'd never posted this... and if that's the case, I am really sorry... because we all need support in this and every other area, at times. And that's okay!! I hope you're okay...

With love,
Hope

[JanetLG]

Write,

I'm coming to this thread a bit late...you've had a lot of good advice already.

When I split up with my NBoyfriend 18 years ago, he cleared out our 'joint account' (the one *I* put money into, and *HE* took money out of), leaving it overdrawn by hundreds of pounds, just before he cleared off for good. The bank came after me ('obviously,' they said, '- you're still here').

So, I had to manage with the house, on my own, lumbered with his debt. On paper, there was more going out than coming in, just with basic things, not allowing anything 'spare' for stuff like clothes, fixing the car, etc.

For two years, I didn't have enough money to even buy second hand clothes from the Oxfam shop.

I *could* have borrowed from my NMum, but I knew that would suck me back in to her control. So, I paid things off slowly and evenly to people I had to.

Yes, it's very, very scary, especially if you are an organised control freak like me, and hate to be in debt.

But years later, I can see now that I managed it, and a debt hole CAN be climbed out of.

You will need, as others have said, to sit down and make a list of absolute essentials, and scrub everything else, and that sounds depressing, but I actually found it quite creative, after a while!

I hope things get sorted for you quickly though.

Janet

[WRITE]

Thanks everyone, just on my way to work and I'll reply in more detail later, but I did sit down last nigth and pare things to the minimum. I can stop picking up the $10 of groceries here and there we all do; I can cancel my gym ( $54 ) since there's a nice little one in my new apartment place and a park over the way; I'll be closer to son and save on gas....

However next month will mean rent on two places for some of the month plus the cost of the removal van.

And I'll have to buy a washer/ dryer as they're not in my new place! Fortunately ex suggested he get them for my birthday this week or I'd just have to wait.

The problem has been there is just always something- every month there seems to be some 'essential' like car repairs, then when I finally gave up on that there was the month I had to put down a deposit on the new car ( and now a monthly payment ); when the dog needs her injections and flea meds and heart worm meds it's $200; the car insurance is due every 6 th month ( $600 ) and is still really expensive because I never had insurance in my name before.

The car finance was more expensive because I had little credit rating because I only just got a SS number....

And since the divorce that's how much my monthly bills have shot up now I have to find my own insurance & buy a car:

$339 ( car )
$470 ( COBRA )
$100 ( average car insurance )
____

$909

I'm running just to stay in place!

Thanks everyone, I look forward to reading in more detail later.
You're all wonderful XXXXX

[Iphi]

I'd like to recommend the book Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach.  Also he wrote Start Late, Finish Rich.  I like all his books, but they can be a little repetitive once you read a couple. Anyway he has good practical advice and his writing style is so upbeat, encouraging, positive and motivational that you put the book down and feel exhilarated to go out and figure it all out.

[Hopalong]

I understand Write...I'm so grateful you're offering us a chance to be Dave Ramseys for each other!!!

I have to stop buying lunch from the cute store across the way. Two lunches and a snack a week there is $15, easy.

My MAIN thing is I have to stop hiding from the paperwork and pay the darn bills. I literally avoid it. I am responsible for all my mother's financial management as well as my own. Economically, I fear the time when she is gone, when all house expenses including mortgage will be mine. My income is half what it was when I moved home to take care of her because of the job upheavals.

During the day, here at work, I'm organized and functional most of the time. When I go home and retreat to my (teenage) room...I become irresponsible. I take care of my mother carefully, go upstairs and it's like, I'm 14 again...escaping into reading, TV, and the board.

I feel shame about it.

Hops

[Hopalong]

A very significant if silly money-memory for me is that as a little girl, I got an allowance of 50 cents a week. I fell head over heels in love with a stuffed toy, a basset hound, at a local store. Every week when we went there, my parents would allow me to ask the saleslady to let me hold her (Bessie). I was in serious love. And I saved my money week after week. I had about $4 saved when my birthday came and when I woke up, there she was on my bed.

I remember vividly this strange strange feeling. Here she was, the object of my adoration, mine at last, and oh I was glad. But I also felt a strange sinking sadness or disappointment. I realized it was because I had wanted to do it myself. I was gaining so much from the experience of saving, and feeling I could actually purchase her myself.

Out of the best of intentions, my parents set me back a bit. Ridiculous to be annoyed at them in the slightest...they simply didn't think about these psychological things about growth and hadn't been taught to I guess. But I remember how deflating it was.

Hops

[Overcomer]

Hops-Do yourself a favor and sign up for online bill pay.  I just in in and change amounts if needed and they say the bills.  I do not even pay for postage.

[Hopalong]

OC, hon...
Speaking of shame, I do have an online bill paying service.
They send me the email and all I have to do is log on, decide the amount, and click Pay.

And I only get a few bills.

I have no excuse at all.

Iphi, thank you for the book suggestions. I may get the Start Late one! And I love Dave Ramsey too, he adds such joy to the notion of paying down debt, so you feel empowered rather than scared.

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dearest Hopth,

Methinks, mayhaps, t'would not be forsoophing for one such as I to dwell but a moment in thine ruby slippers...

I'd be feeling marooned in Oz ( a familiar dream-like state) where time stood still and only my earthly tent participated in the daily rituals of existence.... true life on hold, until such a time as... well, you know.

My vision is blurred by the fog of things past, which lingers within that abode... where hopes and dreams and fears beset that teen who is no more... shades of rebellion, expressed or not, grief for that which is lost, and shame for that which has been found...  well, you know. Okay, now I'm scaring myself.

Sweet Hops, dreadful anticipation creates so much more destruction in the psyche than the actual tackling of those numbers in black and white.
 Perspective... 100% of the battle... and sometimes in a physical sense... even just doing the actual paperwork in another location... and if no computer is available, so be it. But I do think it's that house.... that room... and that whole limbo-like, was-blurred-with-is atmosphere...

A portable accordion-style file box, clipboard, and a calculator and you're doin high finance from Point Lookout, with only the scenic view through the windshield and nothing but relief when it's over.

Love,
Hope

[Overcomer]

Well like G S i need to practice what I preach-the Queen of procrastination

[Iphi]

Oh I would so hate to be in my teen room - horrors!  (((((Hops)))))  

My suggestion is pay the bills at work because in that location you feel more productive.  Don't even set yourself up to fail by trying to do it at home where it becomes a psychological mountain.  Tip the playing field in your favor.  Do it at lunch or before or after work.  Set yourself a task or an outlook appointment.  But I recognize completely that this is about much more than just the act so in all things, be kind to yourself, above all, please.

[WRITE]

That reminds me I still haven't done my expenses....

I don't know what it is that puts us off these things, but probably the negativity surrounding doing it in the past. My ex is still ( in the present ) not far away waiting for me to screw up! He even said to me that he will have to sort things out again like I routinely make a mess of stuff and  in all our marriage I can only think of one time the money got messed up and we didn't have enough until payday, so I don't really screw up, it's just I'm semi-conditioned to think I will i guess.

I pay every bill as it comes in Hops, always have done so as to not to confuse what's mine and what isn't. It's just literally there isn't enough this next month!

I've been doing sums:

the removers will be $300 plus, a bit less if I simply hire a van for one day;
I've just sent in a cheque for $1250 premiums for health insurance to the end of September;
the extra rent will be $521

That's $2000 more than usual- i guess anyone would be a bit flummoxed...

I just went to the bank and took the money from my son's account for a game he had last week, closed a savings account I forgot about with $220 in it and paid in a work cheque and cash from around the house, so my current account is fine for any more cheques I have to cover until Sept 1.

Be careful signing up for payments though- I told you about my recent issue with my bank where I'd given someone authorisation and basically the only thing i could do to cancel it was close and re-open my account! I thought the teller was messing with me but it's quite common apparently.

It's made me want to change accounts, except they are so good with me because I've been going there for ages, they gave me a credit card when no one else would because I had no social security number!

Economically, I fear the time when she is gone, when all house expenses including mortgage will be mine.

will you be able to sell up Hops, liquidate some of the assets?

You will need, as others have said, to sit down and make a list of absolute essentials, and scrub everything else, and that sounds depressing, but I actually found it quite creative, after a while!

okay Janet, creative it is! I think I am accepting that I will have to cover my Visa bill over two or three months especially if anything else happens....

I have no cable, the only things I can cut now are the gym, eating out, socialising and buying books. I think those will save me an average $250 though.

I have piles of books to go at, and there's more at ex's, and he has cable, I guess I could video movies here if I wanted to.

There's comedy channel 39 with Friends and Sex in the City and Will and Grace and stuff if I really want to watch TV!

And plenty of work to do frankly.

I have a lot of food in which we got for hurricane season.

I know it could be much worse too, that's what i meant GS not that I don't matter just- I could also be struggling for my son. At least ex covers any expenses he needs, and can easily afford to.

Maybe it's all a lesson in me being more appreciative and careful?

Thanks for all your wonderful ideas and support, i really feel much better now I've tackled it mentally.

It's not the end of the world ( that's next week....just kidding I hope  )

[JanetLG]

Write,

Here's some 'creative' solutons to :

" the only things I can cut now"
- the gym,
-eating out,
-socialising
-and buying books.

Walking and running is free. Running up and down the stairs is still free, if it isn't safe to run in your neighbourhood (I don't know where you live, but sometimes it's not safe for women to exercise free from hassle in the street). Get one of those indoor trampoliny things? Very cheap on eBay, because nobody uses them for long!

Eating out can cost a fortune. Cookery books from the library are free, then invite people to your house for dinner, then they have to invite you back! Have themed evenings. Ground rules are that no-one spends over a certain pre-agreed limit, to stop 'showing off'.

Socialising. Do you mean drinking? Can't help you there, as I'm one of those boring people who don't drink.  If its theatre or cinema, then allocate money for, say, one trip out per fortnight, so that you choose carefully - you don't have to wear a hair shirt ALL the time while you're saving money.

Buying books. Hmmm, my weakness too. But libraries are chock full of the things, and it's usually free (unless you keep them for months by mistake, believing they've become yours just because you like them so much). Swap books with friends, too, possibly?


Challenge yourself about how much you can save on little things. Have tins or jars for small change - I used to put every pound coin I got in change in a china piggy bank, and REFUSE to count them up till it was full - I was amazed when I eventually did, because it paid for an electricity bill!


I'm sure you'll manage, because you've already bothered to work out that things ARE tight at the moment. It's when your head's in the sand that things can get nasty. It'll pass, honestly!


Janet