Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The Difference betweens Words I say and the Feelings I feel
surf14:
Zen Boy;
You asked for insights concerning your behavior; I have just a couple of questions you might want to ask yourself although I think your best avenue for insight is through the therapy you're pursuing.
In terms of your need to criticize your wife and act harshly towards her and push her away, this has to be coming from poor self esteem. Look at your relationship with your mother; was she loving and validating? Most assuredly not. Did she ,odel to you how to love? If you can't love yourself aren't you going to be threatened by your feelings of love for your wife? I'm sure your feelings towards her made you feel vulnerable and caused you to want to strike out at her and hurt her at the same time you felt love for her. Your behaviors are N-ish in their flavor so maybe going to some of the online information about narcissism and looking into its origins, how it develops and manifests, might be helpful along with working with your therapist to try to correct this if possible. If you don't correct this I guarantee you will have a life of unsatisfying and disrupted relationships.
I'm glad you are trying to understand this but I hope it goes beyond trying to salvage your relationship and is coming from a genuine desire to evolve into a healthier person. If your motivation is a last ditch attempt at saving the marriage you're still into toxic control which is at the heart of the problem, and it ultimately won't work. I wish you luck.
Surf
Guest Today:
Zen Boy,
Here's my two cents: Change your behavior. Change how you feel about others (especially your family and those in intimate relationships) and then AFTER your change has been successfully implemented, take credit for the good work.
If you give yourself too much self-congratulation for thinking a constructive thought, for recognizing the problem, you may find that you've stopped too early in the change-process.
It's not enough to say, I know I screwed up. The burden for change is on YOU. If you want to be different, then choose to be different. If you want to act in a new way, then think a new thought.
It's not easy. It's not easy for anyone on this board to make a real, consistent, effective change. What this board exists for is support for individuals who have had unique, yet similar experiences. Yet each person here is responsible for their own changes.
What is it that you want? It's like the old saying, do you want to be right? or do you want to be happy?
It's up to you Zen Boy. Do you want to be the type of man your wife could have loved? Successfully make the change in your SELF and sometime in the future you may be surprised at the unexpected happiness and warmth the world will provide to you.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Hey Zen boy,
Where to begin?
Let me start by not appologizing for a word I am about to say!
Well, I think it is pretty easy to guess who your wife might be.
I don't believe for a moment you are here by coincidence... Do you want your W to read your posts? Do you want to envoke some kind of emotional response in her? Or do you want this, her supportive community to take part in your pittiful manipulation! Are you hoping we will tell her "aww, he is so sorry... He really wants to change..." Well, you can forget it!
We here are pretty danm familiar with the behavior you are exhibiting right now. Your words are very convincing. I have no doubt that you actually feel pretty miserable. But We, here, are not easily fooled.
Want some advice? If you really want to start supporting your wife, find your own online community and stop invading and manipulating her safe space! Even if you don't "intend" to manipulate her safe space, how do you think your presence here makes her feel? Probably not happy and safe in dealing with her feelings!
Second, one of the myths about Narcissism is that one can't feel remorse. In fact, N's can feel remorse.
But here's another suprprise. You never loved her to begin with! No, you loved yourself. You projected some fake image on your wife so that she would be exactly what you wanted. You still don't love HER for who SHE is. You may think you respect her on a conscious level, but you have deep seeded issues with disrespect. I think you are just devestated, as a Narcissist would be, when his sense of entitlement is rocked. Your image of yourself is that you are a pretty good guy. So, your feelings about your loss of entitlement over her are disguised as remorse for hurting her. Because this way you can still feel like a good guy has made mistakes. You have your conscious motives and thoughts which keep your positive image of yourself. But selfish motives are guiding your behavior.
You want to repent? Stop making excuses, stop co-opting her support networks. Just leave without anymore manipulation. Keep going to counseling, read books. Be honest with yourself. But don't expect anyone connected to her to be a part of your support group or your healing.
--- End quote ---
Here Here! Touche! Spot On! Bravo! Applause Applause Applause!
CG
Anonymous:
You can start with honesty.
Think about joining an abuser's recovery program.
Think about finding a new counselor who works with Narcissists and abusersr.
Give your wife a fair settlement in the divorce
Don't try to win her back. Don't try to explain yourself.
Be glad she saved herself.
Respect her space and her requests.
Good luck
lynn:
--- Quote from: Guest ---You can start with honesty.
Think about joining an abuser's recovery program.
Think about finding a new counselor who works with Narcissists and abusersr.
Give your wife a fair settlement in the divorce
Don't try to win her back. Don't try to explain yourself.
Be glad she saved herself.
--- End quote ---
This is right on target. I agree completely.
lynn
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