Forcing myself to write

[sandra]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((spy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You need to take care of yourself, your Mum has looked at those wonderful photo's of your Grandson and realised that she is missing out and the only way that she may ever see him is to start being nice and sweet to you and your daughter...........be careful Spy this sounds like a trap to get her own way.

Its her way of getting what she wants..............the last letter to your daughter was only last week and you were conveniently forgotten about...............and her last letter to you called you wicked...you couldn't be wicked if you tried..

Take care Spy you are loved by so many..........especially that lovely little grandson of yours

lots of love

Sandra

[Poppyseed]

Hey Spy,

How are you my dear?  I am sure that I am joining this conversation late.  I hope that you are feeling more centered.  I was listening to your first post and feeling the panic in you to run and save.  I have seen myself in that same panic.  It is a strong flag to me that I am in the game when I panic that way.  That I am reacting to the manipulation.  I don't know what your mothers genunine feelings are. Maybe they are manipulative and maybe they are genunine.  But, I know that when I am centered in myself.  The others in my life can fluxuate emotionally and I don't feel that sense of panic or the push and pull.  I feel instead a sense of empathy and clear lines of responsibility.   If they need something from me, I can evaluate calmly what is needed and offer that from a place of love in my heart.  I am learning that if I feel remorse, it is my responsibility. As it is for your mother now.   Sounds like to me, though, that your Mom is looking for you to take care of her feelings.  And you don't have to. Even if she is sincere. Sounds like her past behavior has made it difficult for you to trust her with your love and care.  Sounds like the care she is demanding is the codep kind.  That is never love even though I have given it thinking it was love.  I alway lose something in the giving. When I give with real love, it is perhaps rejected at times, but I never feel the loss of self. 

My heart is with you.  Stay centered.  Hear yourself and what you should do from that internal voice.  Not from panic.  Give yourself permission to not take care of her but to take care with yourself. 

--poppy

[Certain Hope]

Dear Poppy,

This is such wise counsel... I will remember and put these truths into practice, as well. Beware the panic & the push-and-pull and we can remove ourselves from the manipulation game. That co-dependent sort of "caring" is so familiar it has a strong, magnetic pull... but we must resist!!  Thank you.

Love,
Hope

[changing]

Wonderful Spy-

I hope that you are having a grand day today. As for your M's communication, I and so many others on this board have felt similar emotions in response to missives from  the Ns in our lives. We crave a newly established normalcy, a real trrust and mutual love in  the relationships that we have heretofore only experienced as recipients of N behaviors, which preclude all loving and honest interactions. The wise, experienced and caring advice that you have received on this board would have served me well when I was in the throes of emotions similar to what you are describing, and having them distilled like this on your thread is quite beneficial. I add my own best wishes for your happiness and wholeness. Take good care of yourself Spy!

Many hugs to you and yours,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Hi Poppy,
I just want to thank you for putting this with such beautiful clarity.

the care she is demanding is the codep kind.  That is never love even though I have given it thinking it was love.  I alway lose something in the giving. When I give with real love, it is perhaps rejected at times, but I never feel the loss of self.

Hops

[finding peace]

Hi Sypralle,

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.  I hope that everything is ok.

Peace

[spyralle]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for all your replies.  Everything isn't ok really..  Course I couldn't help but reply to the letter and I have really examined why that is..  I think it's the fact that N's have no insight..  She really thimks she is ill and hard done to..  Oh I don't know really..  My head is all confused and messed up and I just feel lonely lonely lonely and overwhelmed..  It seems as I take steps forward I get dragged back..  I hate this weekend..

Spyralle x

[Certain Hope]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for all your replies.  Everything isn't ok really..  Course I couldn't help but reply to the letter and I have really examined why that is..  I think it's the fact that N's have no insight..  She really thimks she is ill and hard done to..  Oh I don't know really..  My head is all confused and messed up and I just feel lonely lonely lonely and overwhelmed..  It seems as I take steps forward I get dragged back..  I hate this weekend..

Spyralle x

((((((((Spyralle)))))))))  I'm so sorry you're feeling this deep loneliness. Reading a letter from my mother leaves me feeling cold and lonely, too... and sorry for her lack of insight, and angry at her manipulations, and so many other conflicting feelings.

I just want to say to you that this is not a pass/fail test -  whether we respond to them or not, whether we feel "whatever"...
because I think that's where the overwhelmed-ness comes from: from a sense of being unable to reach a firm and final decision re: how to respond... or even whether to respond.

Over the past couple weeks, I've come up with numerous ideas of how and how not to deal with my own mother, but still haven't chosen one and acted upon it. In the meanwhile, another weekly letter arrives in the mail and the whole cycle of anger/pity/emptiness resumes. At one level, I know that I'm the only one who can call a halt to this... but in stopping it, I'm afraid of losing my own feelings... about alot of things, not just her.
So looking at this whole mess as a process, I feel like I have to be willing to take it slow and easy. Whatever I say or don't say to her is not going to be the ultimate change-maker... it's all the self-talk going on within which needs adjustment. Hope that makes some sense... I'm with you over here and I know it's far from easy.

Big hugs and love,
Hope

[reallyME]

Ok Spy, first of all, N's tend to write nice letters in order to reel you back in as a supply source.  They don't play fair and they aren't interested in cultivating a nice, loving relationship with you either.

Second of all, if you absolutely cannot stop yourself from wanting to talk with N "mother" here are a couple of suggestions:

1.)  Record the convo.  That's right! Get out a little tape recorder and record your entire convo with her.  After the phone call, write down a quick journal of what happened, how you felt, what your next actions will be, and any other thoughts.  Listen to the tape of the convo, and really HEAR her voice, intonation, and notice how you respond or react to her.  Use this as a case study for yourself and maybe even to play for yourself next time she tries to lure you.

2.)  Have a trusted friend listen in on the convo on another line or on a 3-way convo.  I used this technique once to trap a former BPD friend.  A mutual friend of ours told me that BPD was bad mouthing me for a long time to her, just like BPD would do her to me.  Not wanting to believe it to be true, I decided one day, to have the mutual friend 3-way with me on the line (silently).  After I heard for myself, BPD ripping me to shreds behind my back, I then picked up the phone, called BPD, and proceeded to confront her word for word with what she said.  Needless to say, she didn't have much to respond with...she had been CAUGHT RED HANDED!

Just some ideas.

Be careful.

~Laura