This is my biggest self-work currently. The money was tied up in there, work, divorce, parenting, studying....I've almost been paralysed at times and unable to make a decision or move.
Whole days pass by during which I skirt around things which need to be done, and I don't do them.
Yet I won't write off the day and call it a play-day or give up my creative endeavours either.
It's almost like I am trying to put myself under some pressure....
I tried to get these thoughts more coherent last night, but I know they're not there yet, so just let me ramble some....
STRUCTURE:
my therapist mentioned lack of structure in procrastination. Working for self means a lot of self-motivation and the little rewards of a work-day ( company, socialising, praise, feedback, financial benefits ) are often missing.
That said I love I can just go for a walk in the middle of the day, or take a day off, or work on what I want. I feel constrained when i have to be chained to an office, and I still only have the same productivity I suspect, except I have to be there longer.
SYMBOLISM:
when I walk into the kitchen and someone left me a huge mess I am reminded of my childhood, we were used as unpaid domestics often, and nothing we did was seen as adequate either.
Ex has often refused to cooperate with domestic regimes, reminds me of a lot of heartache there- it was proof he didn't care when I didn't realise he was so messed-up, I took it personally.
Son is pre-teen....the mess is endless and he can't see it! I hate nagging him though, we were nagged constantly. I want his childhood to be different.
FAILURE:
if I don't start I can't finish...and be judged. So often the things I have delighted in have been ripped to pieces by people who turned out to have more issues than care for me.
As a child I was always trying to produce things that would impress particularly my mother, sometimes I fall into that role subconsiously now....of course nothing ever impressed her, she was very cold, just to try brought out her harsher side. She hated to see anyone's vulnerability or joy in something.
ANGER:
too often I have had to do ( or felt I had to do ) something I didn't want to or something which wasn't right for me.
Somewhere I rebel against any constraint now so that even if I elected that task I feel annoyed to have to do the parts of it I don't like or find difficult....
IMMATURITY:
Some part of me is a child wanting others to do things and facilitate things for me.
I didn't get my opportunities as a child, it's not fair. I still want them now.
Someone could take care of me for a change- when will I be taken care of? Why should I always be the caretaker?
SADNESS:
as a child I remember performing whilst straining to see if my parents were in the audience. If they were and I did badly they were embarrassed and unsupportive and critical or mocking. If I did well they wanted to 'take me down a peg or two' for beaing boastful or 'big-headed'. More often than not they weren't there.
I couldn't rely on the outcome of whatever I did.
