hi dandylife
I could be terribly wrong, but if he is questionable, have her dump him. but.....................if you feel what you are going is making a better person of him, okay, however, what still lies beneath? You are familar with an N? I wasn't AT ALL when my daughter was 19 and met one. What havoc he has wrecked on our lives.
I am in the midst of writing something to my daughter, as we haven't corresponded in quite some time.
I've had my own problem growing up and am seeing more and more of how a "healthy' life can be lived. What I see now is that all feelings must be addressed or they will sink inside and be hidden forever as emotions unresovled.
I believe this happened to me from my parent s and that I was not prepared to be a mother myself, especially a single mother.
Izzy
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I ought never been born. But I was. And likely as a baby, I was left to cry, whether hungry, wet, just needing comfort. This is only a guess but there were other children who needed the same. I was having feelings I was too young to understand, and to express, except for crying. The unfulfilled feelings settled inside me as negative emotions.
The growing into a toddler, the going to school and times that I do remember, I had feelings but I never asked what to do. I kept the feelings inside and they piled up with all the other negative emotions. I was not important.
I was beaten. I was taunted and ridiculed. I was laughed at, instigated by my own father. My mother sat quietly on the sidelines.
I became a teenage and knew that no one would ever love me. All my feelings now were repressed and turned inward to become part of that big block of emotions.
Any thoughts I had, I kept to myself, even when I was 17 and my sister was being married. Somehow I knew it was wrong for her, but I said nothing. It was wrong for her. Another sister had expressed the same belief.
I finished school and moved to the city to work and I took all my cues from other people, the girls I worked with, my roommate, movies I saw, and a book of etiquette by Emily Post. I did everything and appeared ‘Normal’ but inside I was in pain and I hurt so badly, yet never knew what was wrong. By 19 I wanted to be dead. My belief though is that I wanted that person to die yet I would live and be ’normal’.
I should never have become a Mother. I am now 68 and I know that I have not expressed my feelings as they occurred. Had I done so from the moment I could speak, there might not have been the pile of unresolved emotions? The little baby girl I had, I loved to no end. I was considered by all my newfound friends, all new mothers, that I was the best mother, because my daughter was the best little girl.
I did everything for her, bathing, changing, fresh air, feeding, naps, later on trips to the park, always in clean clothing and well fed, and she had all the other children from the group to play with as they all grew.
Skipping the part about leaving her father, which must have put abandonment issues into her, we lived on our own and I worked. I was able to fulfill her every need, answer her every question, and love her with all my heart.
THEN
I was in a car accident that disabled me for life. I was notr counseled through this disaster, for myself or for my daughter and after a year I came home from the hospital to a new apartment and resumed my motherhood. Meanwhile for that year, she had lived and moved from one place to another four times, counting our new setup. I have no idea if she had questions, feelings, that she asked and /or if they were dealt with properly. If they weren’t, then she would feel abandonment now from her mother. She had a lot to deal with in her first 6 years and was anything REALLY explained to her?
I returned in a wheelchair and I felt that she would no longer love me/know me. In hindsight, we did many things together, but it wasn’t the same as before. I didn’t ‘send her away’ but I saw to it she had activities with children her own age, school, bible camp, baton lesson, gymnastics, COR weeks, swimming lessons. I was at home a lot when she did these activities and was alone. She was reaching the age whereby she must have had feelings to express. Was I not there???? Was I following my own upbringing???? Did I not hear?????? She had her chores; her homework, her music (violin), her friends to visit and overnight, or she went there for overnight. Am I somehow now remembering there was more I ought to have done but didn’t know? Is it coming from SRT Therapy, at age 68?? I am feeling ill. At least it is a feeling!
At her age 16, I suggested it was work time, summer jobs, and make money, manage it and she did, in Barrie for3 years, would invite me to her chicken restaurant. But University loomed and her leaving home. I was trying to prepare….. this would be the most difficult thing for me.
When she met her future husband, I had a gut instinct that something was wrong. Her demeanour changed toward me, even more than before. He seemed too good to be true. He was already a failure and I didn’t know. She was hung up and Charles and Diana, 19 and 31, a fairy tale romance. Now here she was at 19 and Gus 30—and rich, 3 houses, $35,000.00/yr as a firefighter, and he had changed his name. (Those are the things I remember from her initial telling) something was wrong. If he were that rich, he’d have been snagged by now. Why did he change his name because he didn’t want to be the second youngest of 10 children….he wanted to be Number One of his own dynasty: all thoughts of mine, all feelings that I never was able to express. All feelings that dropped onto that overly large block of jumbled emotions that I carried with me for almost 45 years. I absolutely had NO idea that I was a rolling emotional bomb, and should all the feelings become attached to the emotions, I was explode!
...............that's as far as I have written... to be edited..
what says anyone? I am so sad about our estrangement!
Izzy
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