Deconstruction of a Disordered Argument (or what it's like to deal with BPD)

[dandylife]

Deconstruction of a disordered argument


He has misplaced an email with the names of those he invited to an event.

He cc’d me on the email.

When he realized he lost his email to deletion, he tried to find it in my email.

When I had deleted it, he got enraged.

Him: “I send you the cc of the email so that if I need it I can get a copy of it. I really need someone to do these things around here so that I don’t have to. It really pisses me off that I end up looking like a jerk.” (Pacing around the pool table with the cue stick, taking a shot, slamming the ball in the pocket.)

Me: “There was no reason for me to keep the email.” (Sitting on a stair going down the basement.)

Him: “I have 10 million things to do and no time to do it. You sit there and look at me as if I’m doing nothing. And I’ve got an overwhelming amount of things to do. My stress levels are beyond up to here.” (Ready to go on and on and on..)

Me: I get up and walk up to the top of the stairs to my office to grab some work to do.

Him: “Oh that’s right. Get up and walk away! HOW DARE YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME!” (Screaming)

Me: I walk by him, showing him the tape dispenser I just grabbed. “I have some work to do. If you’re going to be so busy, I’m going to work.”

I work for an hour, then put our son to bed.

He ignores me, gives me evil eye stares and generally is pissy until he goes to bed.

I get in bed and cuddle up next to him. He is stiff as a board (not like that!) arms at his sides, and won’t touch me.

Me: “No cuddling, then?”

Him: “I am just very overwhelmed.”

Me: “Ok then.”

In the morning, I planned on taking him to the airport. He was already up when I got up and he was rushing around packing etc.
Me: “Do you want to talk about last night? Are you still mad at me?”

Him: “I don’t want to get yelled at. That’s all I want.”

Me: “When did I yell at you?” [Stupid, stupid, stupid – why did I say this?]

Him: “Look, you’re yelling at me again. I can’t take this! I work my ass off and then when I get overwhelmed and have a lot to do, you come and scream at me for no reason!”

Me: “But you were the one screaming at me.”

Him: “Look I can’t do this. I just want someone who’s nice to me. That’s all I ask. I will drive myself to the airport.”

Me: “So you are still mad at me, you want to stay mad at me and you’ll drive yourself to the airport as punishment.”

Him: “Just be nice to me.” Leaves the room, goes down basement.

Our son wakes up all cheery. Comes downstairs. I inform him that Dad will likely drive himself to airport so he doesn’t need to rush to have breakfast.

Son goes to say good morning to Dad.

I hear, “OK Son, I gotta go!”

He rushes down the stairs, grabs his suitcase and starts out the door.

Me: “Don’t leave like this!”

Him: “My son tells me I’m driving myself to the airport!”

Me: “Well, isn’t that what you said?”

Him: “Christ almighty, all the stuff I do around here and I’m treated like the lowest of low on the totem pole.”

I watch as he quickly puts his luggage in his car and drives away.

[changing]

Dear Dandylife,

You have been hurt badly , especially since your sweet son is involved. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My NH was similarly withholding of affection and dismissive of me, except in a more crude and violent way.  In my case, NH used these disordered arguments to great effect to keep me off balance, create an aura of fear, and maintain control of our "relationship". I was always wrong, even when he would throw me across the room (physically or figuratively), and threaten to kill me.
Please care for yourself and your son, and don't dwell on the irrational outbursts,  actions, and arguments. Do you have a T to talk with? Again, I am sorry that you have been hurt like this, and hope that you find peace, in your heart and soul.

Love and many hugs from your friend,

Changing

[wiltay]

Dandylife, my sister is a Borderline and she's continuely projecting her own or imagined emotions onto you as your husband does. No matter how you respond you can do nothing about the intense gusts of emotions until they run their course.  Meanwhile you're being accused of all sorts of heinous acts of disrespect and it's extremely difficult (for me) not to react and make it worse.  I've had a book on hold at my local library for a long time now titled Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason, about BPD.  Today there are still eight active holds ahead of me in line, a demand I have never seen for any other book.  Have you heard of this book? It sounds like a good one on the subject and I may just have to buy it.

Bill

[finding peace]

Hi Dandylife,

When I read your post, I was immediately struck by how perfectly you handled that situation.

You stayed neutral and did not engage – which, IME, is the only option when dealing with someone who is angry at themselves, and taking it out on everyone (you) around them.

Excellent! 

Peace

[Ami]

Dear Dandy,
 I hate to say it ,but it sounds normal to me ----BLEH  .                              Ami

[Hopalong]

Dandy, I'm sorry.

There's simply no dialogue. He throws globs of illogic at you like darts.
The man's a human hairpin highway.

I'm staggered by your patience.

It must feel like fencing with fog.

love and sorrow,
Hops

[lighter]

I think I have a new forehead crease after reading all that ((Dandy))

I think I'd just learn to ignore and not engage him when he's being irrational or yelling at me. 

That means I'd probably be living a separate life from him: / 

[dandylife]

Changing,
Interesting - I didn't look at this as my being "hurt". Bewildered, smoke-screened, gaslighted, blamed, projected-upon. I guess I never looked at that myself as "hurt". My bad!

Maybe that's the difference between my BPD n-ish mate. He's hurt by EVERYTHING. I'm an observer. Distanced from my own feelings because of having been abused in the past. And I think he SO senses that. Maybe he even magnifies his hurts to try and get a reaction from me.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with someone who physically abused you. That's the icing on top of the proverbial abuse cake.

((((Changing)))))


Besee,

Oh my gosh! I'd never never ever thought of that before!! He's yelling at HIMSELF. Yes, I can see that now. And you say he needs to learn TO BE NICE TO HIMSELF. He's ALWAYS bitching about being treated poorly. But there's nothing happening in our reality that would constitute treating him poorly. He is treating HIMSELF poorly. Yes. Thanks so much for pointing that out. I wouldn't have seen that!



Wiltay,
I have read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. It's very detailed and very very good. There is also an accompanying workbook that is very helpful too, that's sold seperately. I worked on that while I was separated from my husband. I would recommend it, yes. You're right - no matter what you do when they are in a "rage", it doesn't matter. You can be the most loving, kind person, and you will be accused of being the devil himself. It's exasperating, shocking, and just a huge heart let-down when it happens. But, these people have another side to them that can be very vulnerable and that's where I keep getting drawn back in.

CB,
Sorry to give you a reminder of what was familiar - I'm so glad you are out of there! I already talked to him, he called from the airport - got lost on the way there he was so upset even though it's only 12 miles from our house and he's been there 1000 times. He was quiet and reflecting when I talked to him. I told him I hated that he was upset and I loved him and that seemed to do the trick of soothing him.

(((CB123)))

finding peace,
Thanks! I read the best book, called Powerful Non Defensive Communication and I LOVED it. I'm still not very practiced at it, but am beginning to recognize in my communication when I'm coming from a place of defensiveness - and that nothing good ever comes of that. Control, control, control. But the only problem with that is we're never 100% perfect. I screw up, too. I say things I immediately regret.

I actually say things and am aware of it as I'm saying it and the tone and bitchiness of what I'm saying and sometimes I still let it fly. Do you do that ever? I just lose that control and then I am ashamed after and it always comes back to bite me in a comment from my H who'll say "You always yell at me." or "You're so mean." "You're so cold." 1 out of 100 times I'm cold and I'm COLD. Hah!

Ami,
You've wrote before about some things that seem similar to my situation. Do you think your husband might have Borderline traits? I'd be interested to know if these behaviors are universal for BPD.

Hops,
Thanks for the prop-up. I wasn't looking for support for myself here, but it sure feels good to hear it! I just thought this was such a great example of the many many behaviors that BPD/N people use to gaslight their victims.

He was mad at himself, mistakenly deleted an email. Found me an easy target to blame so he wouldn't have to blame himself.

He yelled at me, but said I was yelling at him. (projection)

He devalued me. (You're so mean.)

He made himself the victim. (You're so mean to me. I work so hard, I'm treated badly)

Grandiosity (I work so hard around here, I shouldn't have to deal with this mediocrity)

Aggressiveness (shooting the pool balls so hard they jump, very loud)

Using a total innocent to make a point (my poor son who had no clue)

Emotional blackmail (I'll drive myself if you're going to be this way!)

I tried my best to not let him get away with these things. I am committed to doing this with each incident from now on. - I will try and remember the exact words he says and write them down before I forget.

good lessons!

Besee,

good point - I'm here and I'm vulnerable now - unpacked - committed - etc. Yes, now he can let loose and feel I won't leave at  this point. He did even say to me in the past week or so, "Just leave!" when he was mad. I just shrugged when he said it, saying we have to work harder at this relationship if we want it to work.


Lighter,
Yes, I may be less engaged in all this at some point if it continues. My daughter is 18 in April. My son turns 10 in Nov. I am moving to make myself more and more independent IN CASE it's needed again. Thanks for the reminder that I'm NOT stuck here. No matter what, I always have myself to depend upon.

Thanks all for your advice and understanding!

Love,
Dandylife

[axa]

Dandy,

OH My God, it took me right back.  Reading your post really got me back in touch with that stunned feeling I used to get.  Like it was all so crazy that it was not possible to make sense, my brain would be whizzing away trying to put the pieces together but there was just no logic.  In the end I could not bear it any longer.  I felt these kind of conversations where like being physically assaulted and I just had enough.

I am sorry you are part of this madness.  I am sorry your son is around this crazy stuff.

Take care of yourself

axa

[dandylife]

Axa,
Yes, I appreciate that angle of looking at this, I really do.

If I were "in the market" and looking for a relationship that's good for me, obviously, I'd turn and run as fast as I can from this situation.

However, I put a little boy to sleep at night who loves his daddy - who plays guitar and pool and goes to cub scouts and gets some wise advice from a man who is protective and very intelligent.

In other words, I already at one time made the choice to be in this relationship with this man. Just because he has a personality disorder does not make him "unworthy" of love, caring, and consistency. On the other hand, I must be vigilant, too, and watch out for behaviors that ARE damaging and NOT forgivable.

I feel I'm walking a thin line. But I'm not the only one in the balance.

I've never had an instinct that told me my son was in any danger of mental or physical abuse. And I truly feel a genuine desire on H's part to participate fully in this relationship and at least TRY and understand, communicate, and love as fully as possible. Those things are not in question.

I think it's more the highly stressful moments. Where he loses control and slips into his protective sleeve.

That's when I get this strange sense of bewilderment. And I do tend to start doubting myself - which is one of the signs of abuse in a relationship.

I just hope that there are things here I can learn - and then pass on to share with others in the same situation. That would be cool.

I want the bewilderment to turn to certainty - and go OH That's what's happening and here's how it's dealt with.

Perhaps I'm very naive.

Dandylife

[axa]

Dandy,

I understand you are a loving mother doing the very best for her precious son.  I think the post just reminded me so much of what I was dealing with.  I wish you all the strength in the world.  I think we all can only do the best we can in whatever circumstances we are in.

Sending you hugs and strength,

axa

[Ami]

Ami,
You've wrote before about some things that seem similar to my situation. Do you think your husband might have Borderline traits? I'd be interested to know if these behaviors are universal for BPD




Dear Dandy,
   I hope to God that I don't.                                            Ami