Is there anyone on Board whose 'child' married an N?

[isittoolate]

Thank you again changing
thank you tt, Hops and Hope

All of you have such faith in me, and in her, in the relationship: certainly more than I do.

I'm just having a repetitive attack, after reading the book about KC. Gus is not called an N in the book, but his broken promises, his procrastination, is mentioned and then to see her quoted as saying she felt like 'poor, white trash' was so hurting to me. Then her trying to get rent from Welfare and couldn't until she left him, them finding a nice Welfare woman who cried with her and gave her the rent. Then her leaving and how frightened she was---while I was 45 minutes away not knowing a thing going on. All this is new news to me.
Then Gus persuades KC to live with him, at 13, and was therefore in charge of him and allowed him to go on that ocean trip in an ill-equipped sailboat, at 17. Gus kept co-ordinates every day from satellite calls  from KC,  as he expected the boat to sink. Then when the Mayday call came in, he did nothing.... except call his girlfriend and asked her to look after everything. When all was said and done, the Icelandic Search and Rescue had 3 sets of co-ordinates, one from Gus, one from his girlfiend (a difference of 1.5 nautical miles to search) then co-ordinates from the satelitte phone company upping the search area to over 22 nautical miles.
IS&R was quoted in the book and well on the way out spotted 3 flashing lights, that then disappeared. There is no way those lights came from either the boat, now sunk, or from the men. They locked in that position and had to decide where to begin the search, in an angry ocean that could swallow Uncle Tom, now dead and KC. They chose to think of the flashing lights as some kind of miracle and went there, where they saw floating debris and then the two men. KC's body had shut down and his jaw locked shut and had likely 15 minutes left when the helicopter lowered down to get them.
He could only mouth 'Thank you' when on the 'copter and Uncle Tom's body lay on the floor in front of him. KC had hung onto the body in the ocean for about 1 ½ hours.
Tom had a misguided dream, KC had misguided loyalty to Tom, and Gus was the N who would be the hero for his son, yet allowed him to go on this journey. Two other boys, one was Tom's son left the journey at Newfoundland, as the boat leaked all the way up the St. Lawrence River.

I knew nothing until my daughter sent me a link to the Toronto newspaper's story. I went through most of my shock then, 2004,  and now again with things I never knew.

Love Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I can feel the impact of all this new information you've aquired through the reading of this book.

It's true that shared suffering brings a form of intimacy... but it's not the only sort, and I really do believe that it's not too late to build a relationship with your daughter as two adults who have each endured more than their share.
I wonder how your daughter feels about the book?
Although she lived so much of it, up close and personal, I'm guessing it hit her like a ton of bricks, too... just to see it all in print.
Maybe that is a basis for new conversation between the two of you?

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Maybe one way to approach it is what pride she must feel in KC...
what a strong strong young man he became.

How it could NOT be just coincidence, he also got some of his great strength
from your daughter's mothering, whether he knew it at the time or not.

So your daughter deserves congratulations and support and kudos.

And you are just as proud of her and she must be of him.
And you have NO need for her to say, "You were right."

No "I told you so." That's gone...

love
Hops

[changing]

Dear Izzy-


What terrible things for such a deeply loving person to read- I know it must be hard for you to see afresh what Ns do to the  vulnerable and innocent in their paths, especially  an innocent that you treasure. It seems like your daughter has had a heavy load of shame and guilt to carry, and this has limited her ability to be free enough to show the love, trust and caring to you that you deserve. Izz you are so special, you gave some of your enormous strength and intelligence to your daughter- she escaped a raging Nplus !!!- you have done so much for her and the children. I know that you would have gladly done more, would do more now...You have helped me sever ties with my NH, too.

You Sweetie- your daughter surely loves you, and  the fortunate girl benefits from having you as her mother.

Izzy You Are The Best!!!

Love,

Changing

[isittoolate]

Thank you changing, Hops and Hope

You are so understanding and supportive of me with my new information.

I am glad that I received no mention, as there was no need to, but from 1987-1991 I drove out to that desolate dump and looked after the children until Mags' birthday May 12, my daughter's May 13, but Mother's Day was May 11. I had 4½ years with KC and 2 years with Mags.

I went 3 days a week for 7 hours a day and looked after them, lunch and naps and playtime. That freed up my daughter to get her work done knowing the children were being looked after. Then Boom! That day I was gone. KC and I had 2 talks about death. He was so afraid I would die, then when an aunt died we had another talk about why the burial.-- I used a pea pod from the garden to indicate the difference between our bodies that were buried, like the pod we throw away, and that the peas are the good stuff inside and that is what lives on---etc.  He loved me more than the whole wide world            ........................................................ (afterthought) and Mags more than Cheerios.

I had been with both of them from day one------------------------then nothing. It took me 2 years to 'crack' but that was the last time I cried.

My therapist is away on holidays but back this coming Tuesday.
 
After everything, I believe I am a hard nut to crack! but I could almost feel that tears were on the horizon.

Love
Izzy

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[hannah38]

Izzy,
You wrote, "If he is questionable, have her dump him."

I don't believe in this kind of control over another human being. I believe that this kind of control damaged me.

Yes, she is young. But she is quite old enough to decide what she wants in her own life. He does not affect my life except when he "needs" something and asks. He does not come to my house, he does not impose on my life in any way on a daily basis.

There are times a parent needs to intervene. "You may not eat crayons."

But once they are of a certain age, they are acting upon all the things you have taught them.......and you are reaping your own "rewards" from their actions.

Plus, they need to learn consequences. If I step in and don't allow her to experience a certain thing, will she learn the lesson?

Obviously there are answers for certain things. Is she doing drugs? No Drinking? NO Is he physically hurting her? NO

I do struggle with the answers.


I agree with this. All you can do is love her. You can tell her that you are concerned, but trying to control her actions won't be very helpful.

[pennyplant]

Izzy,  Thank you for sharing your story which is also the story of you healing as you are healing.  I'm beginning to see just how locked-up my feelings and emotions are and have been.  It takes a great deal of courage to unlock them--and I'm working on gaining that kind of courage for myself.

Pennyplant

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

Some days, still, I feel as though I'm cried out.

I mean, there are some things over which I've wept and then filed them away... and I don't know that there are any tears left for them.
So... setting aside the occasional, hormonally-induced chicken-tears-episode, I'm not sure what else there may be over which I maybe should cry (if that makes sense). But I am finding, where the topic of my mother is concerned, for instance, there's still more anger than sadness...  and I don't think that the tears can come until the anger goes... but I'm not sure.

((((((((Izzy))))))) You are lovely and loveable and I'm so glad to know you... you're my kinda  nut,  yanno

Hope

[dandylife]

What Hope said is true for me. There are things I decided - I'm DONE with that. I'm not gonna cry over it anymore. EVER. And I won't. But I'm still taken by surprise - I cry when Mary Ingalls almost dies in surgery on Little House on the Prairie.

I get giddy with laughter and amusement watching the Showtime series WEEDS.

I get scared and anxiety filled when I get a call from the doctor about my daughter's recent tests.

These are all EMOTIONS.

You do have some control over them. Let the ones you don't wash over you and become aware of them. They normally won't harm you - they are simply "signals" like an alarm clock is a signal to wake up. Emotions are a signal to pay attention.

Love,
Dandylife

[isittoolate]

Hello pennyplant

Being on this board we can see we are not alone.
My feelings and emotions are all screwed around. Sometimes I think a feeling might be arriving a day or two late and getting mixed up with another feeling of something that is just happening, but I ought to wait a day or two for that feeling to catch up too.
so if i don't acknowledge the right feeling I get boggled down in emotions that are in the locked box.

Yes it takes courage, but also strength, knowledge, a sledgehammer and a miracle.

Hello again Hope.

Oh, so you can cry, eh? Yes, rub it in! <kidding>

One day I will (want to give me some instructions?) and I don't want it to be self-pity. It will be for my daughter and grandchildren and for all her (their) hardships---like when she saw the cabin burning down and even though the children had followed her outside to help Gus (then a candle upset, I guess) --the book reads,

"Her first thought---the kids. She glanced around the yard. Where were they? She was sure they had followed her outside, but had they gone back in? And in that instant of uncertainty, a tiny piece of  A___M_____ died. She let out a long gutteral wail from the deepest pit of her stomach, magnified by panic, desperation and guilt"

Wow! Did that get to me, then I remember thinking how a part of me died when I was dismissed.

i am a hazel nut!

Hello again dandylife

I think someone took an egg beater to my emotions and they are all mixed up. I am really trying to recognize my feelings and act on them before they get stored away.

When I first came on Board, someone said I had really been 'mauled' by life. I guess no one told me lion's are dangerous and I kept walking into the cage. Been pretty on track though for the last 5 years trying to figure out what was wrong!.

Thanks all
............for everything

Love Izzy

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[changing]

Dearest Izzy-

I want to thank you for the lovely flower that you sent in your reply to me- a pink rose, almost lotus-like in appearance. It has been in my memory all day, like a sweet melody one hums absent-mindedly while working in the garden. Thank you, you sensitive, artistic creature! It really made my day , and set a happy tone in my twisted psyche!!! I pray that you and your  loved ones become ever closer, day by day...they are missing so much when they are away from you.

Your friend,

Changing

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

When I think of innocence lost... of a child, never hugged and held, who only wanted to be touched with gentleness...  that makes me cry.

Do you think (or feel) that there's something wrong with weeping for yourself?

Love,
Hope

P.S. The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35   -    "Jesus wept."

[isittoolate]

Dear changing,
That is one of the prettiest roses I have. I am so happy you liked it.

Thank you for your prayers

Love
Izzy

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[isittoolate]

hi Hope,

The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35   -    "Jesus wept."

That part I knew, but about crying for myself?? I dunno--maybe it'll depend what sets me off when I get set off, if I ever get set off!

©¿©

Love Izzy

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