I found this board and am hoping, by the messages I've read so far, that there is support here. I have a complicated situation. Part of me wanted to respond to "has your child ever..." but I decided to just post it here.
I've married a man whom I love to pieces. I married him over the severe objections of my father and his wife. Because essentially, for the entire time I dated this man, they have disliked him. My father doesn't like him because he is rather uneducated (though he is quite strong) and my father's wife said I would be "settling." He is very damaged and has a turbulent history. His lost his mother at an early age and experienced severe abuse. Nonetheless, he listens to me a lot (which I love), we have in-depth conversations, he prays with me, we both love the wilderness. It was a very difficult relationship in the beginning and we broke up--I couldn't take his N-ish behavior. During the break-up, my father's wife urged me not to return to him, citing his "antisocial behavior", "big huge personality disorder," and on and on. I have felt this woman to be very controlling, she is often haughty, if you attempt to tell her she has been rude she says you are projecting... and her behavior escalated after he spoke up about her rudeness. She said she refused to have a relationship with someone who "said those things" about her.
Actually, I too was upset with him because he said to my father that she was rude and I had asked him for a long time not to say anything. He says he will never forget how my father stared me down and intimidated me. I do think my father genuinely loves me, but I have often felt that if I don't do what he wants me to do then he becomes furious. "Fine! If you don't want my advice, then get out!" He is a smart person, and has a very caring spirit. At the same time, he doesn't deal with my living my own life well. My fiancee said some ugly things and said he wouldn't give me the ring if I wanted it and he'd not ever marry me, I felt I had to choose, and I ended up walking out that night.
My father's wife offered me a place to stay which I, after much reluctance, accepted. It was my father's house, after all. She later made much to do about my being there and her invitation and how she wouldn't have made it if my fiancee wasn't so terrifying. During this time, my fiancee did have a temper fit (he is Italian, too) and my father was frightened at what he heard from someone else. My fiancee did not come to the house or call, so there was no contact directly. During this time, she said I had had a "close call," in almost marrying him, said that one day he would hit me (which he wouldn't and she said if I believed that then...--he has never hit me and actually despises men who batter wives because of his father's behavior), and basically said that he was a sociopath. My father was paying for therapy which I allowed. She kept bringing up how much money my father was spending on me and how I had "no excuse" to get involved with this man. I basically felt I heard the message that I "owed" them because of my father paying for therapy. Actually, I accepted it as reparation but his wife seems to think that I am spoiled. I thought carefully about the situation and decided to terminate therapy that was too expensive for me to afford. My sister also needed therapy, but she refused to have my father pay for it. I see now why!
I decided to terminate therapy, get a counselor I could afford on my own, and marry this man. Which is exactly what I did. I sent a loving note to all my family. I got a reply stating that my father was withdrawing his financial support (which I didn't expect after marriage anyway) because "my husband insisted" which was not the case. I had told him about a private conversation between me and my then fiancee in which my fiancee had urged me to end having my father pay for treatment, offering instead to pay for it himself. My husband never made a statement to my father directly. So, I felt this was an odd explanation. At any rate, because I had already terminated treatment, I didn't respond to this.
I feel like this entire icky story is on my heart. I just appreciate those of you who might give me some encouragement.
