what happened today

[reallyME]

I was letting my 18 yr old, pregnant daughter, know that she will need to buy maternity underwear and bras soon.  My husband looked at me and said "YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH HER PREGNANCY!"  I explained that I was just letting her know, to be helpful, and she chimed in with "you don't think I KNOW this?  I'm not DUMB, ya know!"

I finally told h and n daughter, "fine, I won't say another word about anything.  I will not be making appts for you, not going to the dr with you, etc."  N daughter then said "SEE?  Just the way you are acting now PROVES how OBSESSED YOU ARE!"

But, before you all as my witnesses, unless ND comes to me, humbly asking for my help, I'll not make another phone call, appointment, or ANYTHING for her.  I am SICK of every time I now try to BE THERE for my children where I wasn't for 3 years, it's thrown back in my face as a false, cruel accusation, and I am belittled and demeaned over it.  So, they can find another scapegoat to gang up on, my h can take her to the appts or her bf can, but till they treat me nicely, I'm doing NOTHING ELSE FOR HER!

~Laura

[Certain Hope]

Laura,

I'm sorry this isn't going more smoothly for you...
are you excited about becoming a grandma?    Hey, it's a big deal! Maybe nobody there recognizes that... yet.

Hugs to you,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Aww, Laura.
A new little one.

I am glad this lucky baby will have you for her/his big-hearted grandma.
Whole lot of wisdom you can pass down.
(Baby might appreciate it, even if nobody else does!)

hugs
Hops

[Poppyseed]

Hello,

New babies!! They are wonderful.

 Laura, I can hear your pain and frustration as your daughter seems to be rejecting your care and interest. I have two good friends with young (early 20's)  daughters who are having their first babies.  One day at lunch, they were telling me similar situations to yours and wondering why all their love and care and reminders and offerings to help were being thrown back.  I started to remember what I was like in those early adult years.  I wanted so badly to be seen as a responsible and capable adult and sometimes when my mother would "mother" or continue her caring for me, I felt that she didn't see my capability.  I wanted her to champion my efforts, even though I may have seemed immature through her more seasoned and matured eyes.  I loved my independence and still do and love to hear now that my mother thinks I am doing great, even though my way is very different from hers. 

I don't know your daughter or anything about your relationship history with her.  But I do know what it is like to have a history of misunderstanding and standoffs between my mother and I.   Be patient with her. Love her in her immaturity.  She is probably right on track with her emotional growth and with the current excitement and stress of having a baby and trying to discover her autonomy and learn how to become a mom all at the same time.  She sounds young but like maybe her words are code for "please trust me, mom. And please see that i am thinking about all I need to do.  I may be slower and less experienced but I am doing my best."  And you probably are telling her how great she is all the while and maybe she doesn't seem to hear it.  I am completely guessing here.  It is just my take.  I wonder if she would feel more relaxed if she felt trusted to make more decisions and trusted to make mistakes too.  It is hard for us moms to not run and anticipate our children before they fall or make mistakes.  But they do.  We did.  I dont' know.  I am sorry for your frustration. I don't think I would feel any differently if I were in your shoes.  But I wonder how she wouldn't react differently if she felt at least understood by you.  Maybe then she would feel better about recieving your support, which she undoubtedly needs, with more gratitude.   Sorry your efforts don't seem more appreciated.   You really are a great mother and I am so excited for to have a grandchild.

--poppy

[reallyME]

Poppyseed,

Thanks for your comments and encouragement.

The thing is, it seems that when I've told people about my daughter, they say things like "oh she's a typical teen, she'll grow out of it, etc"

Honestly, I'd like to agree with that, except for one thing.  This narcissistic attitude she has, has NEVER gone away.  It's been there from the time she was old enough to toddle as a child, and it's been there since then, and continues.

She is not just narcissistic in her convos with me.  She treats EVERYONE as LESS THAN.  Even at her church, the youth pretty much steered clear of her, because she would incessantly LIE and then swear to the lies.  She is manipulative, a thief, and she treats people just AWFUL at times, unless there is something in it for her!

Basically she sees me as someone who is INDEBTED to her.  I OWE HER my time, money, etc, because after all, I am her mother.  So, when it suits her, I am MOM.  When she decides she wants to be seen as all-sufficient, needing NOBODY, then I'm targeted for punishment and lambasting.

I'm sorry, but I do not view my daughter as just another rebellious teen.  Her issues go wayyyyyyyyyyy deeper than that.

~Laura

[Poppyseed]

Laura,

Sorry.  I didn't realize that your daughter was struggling with the N tendancies. I will try to be more sensitive to that.  Forgive me.  I don't always remember the details of everyones respective stories.   That is a circumstance that seems very difficult to me.  I am so sorry that you have to deal with that disrespect in her behavior.  My son has ADHD and I sometimes struggle with things he can't see and his definance of me.  He is quite young though.  My heart goes out to you.  I am glad you are setting boundaries.  Hopefully some day she will respect them. 

Poppy

Ps.  Children, i have been told are resiliant and moldable.  Does your daughter respond to education about her behavior in any way?  Is she teachable if the circumstances are right?  Is there a chance to help her avoid the N trap for her own sake and happiness? Maybe being 18 would add maturity so she could receive it?  Hmmmmm....guessing again. Sorry.  You have probably tried everything.  HUGS!!!!!

[reallyME]

Poppy,

I love you for your sweet spirit and candidness, as well as your desire to try and help.  You seem like such a genuine person to me.

I have tried what feels like EVERYTHING with Anna, yes, but I do want to answer your questions here.

First, Anna has NEVER been moldable in any way, shape or form.  She has always done things her own way.  Any time I tried to deter her from things, there was a knock down drag out FIGHT.  EVentually, I gave up at some point, cause she became physically dangerous at around 4 and a half years old...even to the point of causing physical bruises on me and ripping open her sister's back with a huge set of janitor keys.  I saw evidence of PROJECTION in Anna from childhood...when I'd scold her, she would turn and start hitting and punching HER SISTER.  We used to think that was so oddly cute, till we realized that it continued through to adulthood.

 

Does your daughter respond to education about her behavior in any way?  Is she teachable if the circumstances are right?  Is there a chance to help her avoid the N trap for her own sake and happiness? Maybe being 18 would add maturity so she could receive it?  Hmmmmm....guessing again. Sorry.  You have probably tried everything.  HUGS!!!!!

Does she respond to education about her behavior?  SHe will look at me, roll her eyes and say "Tsk, you're SOOOOOOOO paranoid!"  or she will say "oh puuuuuuuuhlease, I know I'm beautiful and you want a piece of me.  EVeryone does!"

She is not teachable at all, by ANYONE.  If a teacher corrects her, she will lament to me about how "that teacher is such a WITCH.  She actually thinks I HAVE to do the assignment?  OH PUHLEASE! GIMMEE A BREAK.  I'm gonna PASS school, no matter what!  They don't even CHECK our papers!"  (sad thing is, in the schools they DON'T CHECK THEIR PAPERS...SCHOOLS HELP PERPETUATE NARCISSISM IN MANY CASES...ESP THE ENTITLEMENT ATTITUDE)

Chance to help her avoid the N attitude?  Not likely, though I haven't quit again yet.  I have been in contact with her school counselor since BEFORE she started school.  He has kept in close touch with me, looking for a perfect time to snatch her into his office and eval her.  The thing is, now that she is pregnant, there might be more of a possibility of confrontation while she's at school.  I see this year as my LAST chance to help her.  If the school fails me, as the church unfortunately already did years ago, well then, that's it until ANNA goes for help herself.

*I'm off to an OPEN HOUSE for my 8 yr old, Amber now

Blessya'll and talk soon

~Laura
~Laura

[Poppyseed]

Wow! I am amazed at what you have had to deal with. My heart just had to sit still as I tried to absorb what you have endured over these long years.  I will add the both of you to my prayers.  Sounds like God needs to help her, your D, with her life somewhere and somehow!  You are patient and long suffering with her.  That is true.  I want to believe that something can get through to her.   I will continue to check in with you.  I am going out of town tomorrow.  We rented a cabin at a mountain lake for the Labor day holiday.  It is a badly needed vacation!  I am refusing to think anything about N's or marital trouble or problems in any degree.  I am going to veg! And read! And play in the sand.  See you and everyone else when I get in next week.

Chow,
Pops

[reallyME]

Well, tonight my daughter was telling me how she didn't want to be my child.  I said "you can resent me all you want, but that is one thing you cannot change or dispute.  you are my child.  Her response, "Don't remind me.  I hate that fact!"